Take Your Time

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

I remember this kid brought a TV weather map for show and tell once. Back before weatherman had graphics and animations, they had highly stylized paper maps of the United States and a magic marker. And as they did the TV weather report, they would write or draw on the map a smiling sol or frowning rain clouds. A snowman shivering or a beach umbrella, go nuts with it. That’s the way it was done back when the world still ran on vacuum tubes.

Going back even further, they taught us in broadcasting class. How in the early days, a radio announcer wore a tuxedo and spoke melodically, with his one hand cupped behind his ear. “From high atop the beautiful hotel Herbert Hoover, we bring you now Guy Lombardo and his Dirty Naked Frenchman Orchestra for your listening and dancing pleasure!” That’s just the way it was done, it was the industry standard.

By the 1960s the AM radio Disk Jockey was king, “We have stacks and stacks of wax and only coolest sounds daddy-o digging on some new Frankie Avalon!” Assassinated by FM radio and little to no disk jockey. That’s just the way it was done. It was in the early days of cable news. They hadn’t quite got it all sussed out yet and would sometimes offer new and breaking content. The old-fashioned Bernard Shaw reads the newscast as the cruise missiles flew through Baghdad. It was all brand new; no one had really seen a war “live” on TV before.

One of the outcomes of the Russian aggression against Ukraine is to see all the media outlets toe to toe, covering the same news story. If you want to know what is going on in Ukraine, ignore all media reports from the United States. Not left not right, not fast, but half fast. Negative, negative, negative. Kyiv was doomed! Any minute now, POW! It’s all over but for the crying. I’ll now turn it over to our resident expert panel of resident panel experts to discuss agreeing with me, already in progress.

I’m watching news stories on YouTube that I’ll see on cable news two days from now labeled as “Breaking News!” Really? Did the Pony Express dispatch rider finally arrive? The information market is no longer exclusive. Two-day old news is no longer acceptable. They have 24 hrs. to fill and fill it they will. By taking your fingers and pretending to pull something apart means to “stretch” to take your time and repeat stuff a lot.

We’re following this breaking news story out of Ukraine, where Vladimir Putin and the Russian Army have ruthlessly invaded Ukraine. I take you now to our special correspondent. “Yes, I’m here in Ukraine, where Vladmir Putin and the Russian Army have ruthlessly invaded Ukraine. It all began back on February 24th. Maybe you’ve been living under rock or been in a coma or working in the oil fields or something and didn’t know. But back on February 24th the Russian Army ruthlessly invaded Ukraine, roll the tape Fred.

Be with us later tonight, for our News Special Worldwide Broadcast Exclusive; “Russia’s Ruthless Invasion.” It all began of February 24th when Vladimir Putin ruthlessly invaded Ukraine. “I remember where I was back on February 24th when Vladimir Putin and the Russian Army ruthlessly invaded Ukraine.” After 24 hrs. we had all decided that Vladimir Putin’s ruthless invasion of Ukraine would probably succeed.

It’s like the bowling alley; you have set up the pins before you can knock them down. Now, we held a staff meeting; and it was decided the Russian invasion would probably succeed, so you stick with that. A college student figured out that if the Russian Army needs X tons of supplies per day. And only had X number of trucks, it would be mathematically impossible for the Russian Army to resupply. We turn now to our panel of experts to tackle this boring subject of statistical mathematics. “Yes, it appears the Russian Army is having some sort of logistical problems.”

“You know Gloria; it was back on February 24th when Vladimir Putin first needed to worry about trucks. Back before he began his ruthless invasion of Ukraine.”

Not so much news reporting as news presenting. They tell you about the news. We’re gonna tell you about the news and how you should feel about it. And while we’re at it, we’re gonna throw in a butt hurt load of annoying commercials at you. And you slugs will like it! Don’t you think a prescription medicine with its own musical jingle based on an old light pop/rock tune is swell? I want musical medicine with its own advertising budget! “Won’t you fly high and ease my hemorrhoidal symptoms, oh free bird!” True or false, Insurance companies have a standing wager on who can insult the American intelligence on television the most?

Independent media reported the Russians were digging in at Chernobyl. Satellite photos were available online. Yet the US media only reported the story after the Russians had left the plant. “Yes, that’s a big, big story. Let’s run it on Friday! After the blind man takes twenty years bicycling across South America story. Everybody likes funny stories on Friday. Brawndo has what plants crave!” That’s Jacko brand, the most effective genetic pregnancy test in America cause, “The kid is not my son!”

World media with world biases. Who knew the Indians were so close with the Russians? But I do love me some Russian propaganda. Those boys do it old school hard, “The Russian ship was damaged when the ammunition caught fire.” Yeah, right after being struck by two big fucking cruise missiles! “The crew was safely removed from the vessel (by the force of the blast) and are recuperating in Smithereens, a small Black Sea coastal resort. The vessel was then towed to the bottom of the Black Sea for safe keeping, awaiting minor repairs and redeployment.”

Manufacturing a product like cheese whiz. Having a big white board to arrange all the news stories in their proper order and suitable time slot. Shouldn’t “Ukraine is Doomed” come before “Ten Reasons why Ukraine is Doomed? Or “On February 24th the day we always remember as the day Vladimir Putin began his ruthless assault on Ukraine!” We have 24 hrs. to fill, so take your time.

Russians surround Kyiv! Russians pummel Ukraine! Evidence of War Crimes Unearthed in Ukraine! Desperate Struggle in Mariupol, President Zelensky Vows Victory over Russia! New Clues in the Hunter Biden Laptop Scandal Exposed!

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