By David Glenn Cox
News Flash – (5 Star) Hard charging house Republican squid leader Kevin McCarthy, is actually a bonafide craven liar! Don’t let the children hear you talking about this. Let them have their illusions. This shocking revelation came to light of an audio tape of Kevin saying the exact opposite of whatever he ever said publicly. Twump was to blame. This is all Twump’s fault! It wasn’t an episode of the Twilight Zone; it did really happen. I remember it; I saw it with my own two eyes. The old smoke and mirrors routine, “Why, whatever insurrection are you talking about sweetie?”
Like the Zapruder film showing where the bullets came from. The McCarthy tape pierces the stage play and takes us backstage behind the scenes for the real nuts (emphasis nuts) and bolts look. Panic on Republican Main Street! “Holy shit! He really did it to us this time! We’re all doomed! What are we gonna do now? Now that the orange fucker has finally pulled the old crazy switch!
I know, let’s change our names and skip town! Or we could say we we’re out of town hiking on the Appalachian trail. Or maybe our bodies were hacked by Alien clones sent by Hillary Clinton and George Soros, and that we just got them back with the help of Jesus. Or we could pretend like it never happened and try to gaslight the American people. Because, well you know (Ha-ha!) They are mighty stupid. They will lick it up like puppies under a dripping ice cream cone on a hot summer day.
But you know, there’s always that one guy. That one guy who shows up right after the shit hits the fan, confidently eating an apple and certain that he has all the answers. That guy everyone secretly wants to punch in the mouth. (I never met a man I didn’t like, but your case I’ll make an exception. – Groucho Marx.) Matt Gaetz says Kevin McCarthy should have asked him for advice. “Oh shit! Oh shit! What am I gonna do now? Twump’s done gone crazy and started an insurrection, and I can’t find Matt Gaetz’s telephone number! What am I gonna do?”
Asking Matt Gaetz for advice is why they make trigger locks for handguns. If you’re asking Matt Gaetz for advice, you’re pretty damn close maybe just one step away, from all hope is lost. “Gee, I wonder what Matt Gaetz would do in a situation like this? Where’s my phone? “Hello Matt! I need your help. I have a very serious problem, and just don’t know what to do about it. Thanks Matt, I knew I could count on you! And I will try and calm down.” Here just let me turn on the Matt signal to illuminate high up in the sky our need for your assistance.
Matt says Kevin; I’m much smarter than you. Now watch, while I diss your intelligence, while still keeping my lips firmly attached to Twump’s bare buttocks. Later, I drink water and sing! Matt has exposed the double secret lie only 15th degree Republicans and above know about. Kevin was disloyal to the Twump, and you know what that means don’t you? It means it’s golden opportunity for Matt Gaetz to knife Kevin McCarthy in the back, all Pwaise Twump! “I’ll kill for you master!”
But the real secret Kevin exposed that is the Republican leadership dislikes Twump almost as much as the Democrats. “Look what he’s done to us now! I mean, it was real good that he done that. Now wish it away into the cornfield. The man’s out of his head, nutty as a fruit basket and that’s just the sort of leadership America needs today. They won’t speak agin the name of Jehovah in public, but they wish that he would go fishing and not come back. Twump and all his little Twumplicans.
There are seven Republicans running in the primary for the new house seat in North Carolina. A seat especially designed to dislodge Madison Cawthorn from Congress. The seat was designed by Republicans and for Republicans but was geographically out of bounds for Cawthorn. It was hoped that would be enough to get rid of him.
The Packard brothers saw their first Model T Ford and said to themselves, “Shit, I could do better than that.” Which explains why six other Republicans are running in the race. A longshot incumbent! You know who doesn’t get invited to the orgy to snort cocaine? The guy who talks about being invited to orgy to snort cocaine.
Marge Greene appeared in an Atlanta courtroom to round of applause. Like everyone who appears in a courtroom or professional wrestling arena. Just by coincidence, the courtroom happened to be filled with Marge Greene supporters. So, she gets a round of applause, (Put the sign down Fred.) just for showing up.
“In, insurrection? What’s that? Is that where the Jewish kid turns 13 and they hold a party? Oh gee, January, I can’t remember that far back. I’m not involved with any insurrection; it was the Democrats involved in an insurrection! Because I’m rubber, you’re glue, what bounces off me sticks to you! You can’t handle the truth! I’m not on trial here, you all are! The system is on trial here! Attica! Attica! You’re all under arrest! Citizen’s arrest! “State your name and badge number for the record please.”
Little orange Billy Mummy points his accusing finger at you! “Alright, who said that? Somebodies going into agriculture, when I find out who said that!” It was real good that you done that Donald, Real good. It’s a good life, a real good life. Watching Donald make things before wishing them away into the cornfield. “Oh god no, it’s Steve Bannon! Wish it away Donald! Wish it away! It’s real good that he done that. Real good. The Republicans are all still afraid of the monster. Afraid that they might offend him and be wished away into the cornfield.
“You’re traveling through another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. A journey into a wonderous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. Your next stop, the Twilight Zone.
Tonight’s story on the Twilight Zone is somewhat unique and calls for a different kind of introduction. This, as you may recognize, is a map of the United States and there is a little town there called Twumpville. On a given morning not too long ago the rest of the world disappeared and Twumpville was left all alone. Its inhabitants were never sure whether the world was destroyed and only Twumpville left untouched, or if the village had been taken away.
They were, on the other hand sure of one thing. The cause. A monster had arrived in the village. Just by using his mind, he took away automobiles, the electricity, the machines, because they displeased him. And he moved the entire community back into the dark ages, just by using his mind.” – Rod Serling