The Wandering Eye

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

An eccentric orbit can only become more eccentric. It is immune to criticism or critique, and its speed comes primarily from the heat of its eccentricity. In a slingshot orbit that can only move in one direction and have only two possible outcomes. Either the speed will build, until it breaks its orbit and flies off into the dark universe, never to be heard from again. Or it slows, losing momentum, until no longer held in its orbit and drifts harmlessly away.

Like everything else Donald Twump has touched in his adult life, he’s screwed it up. (Don’t say mushroom.) The Republican Party is no exception to this rule. He’s taken America on a drunken snowmobile ride through the Piney woods at night, at full speed after drinking tequila all night on the Sonny Bono trail. It’s hard to show up later and top that sort of stunt. You can’t just be an extreme Republican anymore; you got to be out of your fucking mind crazy, just to get noticed.

“Excuse me sir, I wonder if you might have any spare change. Oh no, its not for me sir! I’m raising money sir to send immigrants by bus to Faux News in Washington, for a television spot sir. I’ve asked them sir, but they said no. They said, “You’re the one running for President.” You figure out a way to get them up here.”

I do have a job sir! I’m the Governor of Texas. You dig? The Governor of Texas, and you don’t get to be the Governor of Texas by writing checks sir. You get to be the Governor of Texas by getting other people to write checks. So, anything at all will help sir. Well yes, you could call it begging if you like sir. I prefer to call it enhanced solicitations to avoid investigations!”

Why, if you were some Reich wing billionaire sir, that wanted to say, rent a bus sir, and send it up to Faux News in Washington. Why, whose business would that be sir, right? There are no campaign finance laws against sending a bus load of your friends from Central America up to Washington to appear on television, now is there? The immigrants said, they were going that way anyhow. And if we could just drop them off at the front door of Faux News, they’d be especially appreciative and make their own way on from there.

Madison Cawthorn, for those who’ve always wondered, “Whatever happened to Dennis the Menace? Didn’t he die Vietnam or was that Jerry Mathers?” But Mad Caw is being taken to task for taking credit and taking part in a photo shoot, touting the Infrastructure bill (Complete with oversize novelty check) that Mad Caw voted against.

And it’s really not fair. They’re just picking on him because he’s the new guy and incredibly stupid. There are nine other house Republicans who have taken credit, in word or deed, for Infrastructure projects they voted against. It was just the other day when treasonous senator, Josh Hawley complained about the aid package to Ukraine.  That aid package that he voted against. What the hell was the hold up? It sure was taking its sweet time in being delivered.

We’re way past Laugh-in and on our way to Hell’s a pop-in! You can hold two opposite views at the same time. A Republican candidate recently commented that rape should be considered an opportunity. Much in same way a near fatal auto accident should be viewed as a chance to buy a new car huh?” They got some dandy new models out now, and you could even go electric, wouldn’t that be great?

You can say anything now, anything at all. “My name is Quebart. I am a cyborg from another galaxy. And I want to be you’re next Republican Congressman. I have come from a galaxy far, far, away to instill conservative family values and scan your libraries for dirty books. I will lower your taxes and praise Jesus, ruin public schools, check genitalia in public bathrooms and make the Gays go away.”

And there is a man, no kidding and no fooling around, who appears at the C-PAC  conference every year, who claims to be from Venus. (Conservative Venusian values!) He will tell you all about it in his new book for only $19.95 Wanna try his Venusian Covid Cure? They say it’s better than cattle wormer! He has a set of DVDs that he sells to teach you how you can be from Venus too. So, you can learn all the important stuff that all the important Conservative Republican Venusians in the know, know.

Imagine Marge Failure Greene is standing in your town square reading from a scroll “The Democrats” (Lined out) “the Liberals” (Lined out) The far leftist (Lined out) the pedophiles! Yeah, that’s it! They are all pedophiles! And some are Zombies too! Space Aliens, mutants and Zombie Vampires wanna be’s that live in the secret underground desert compound funded by George Soros and Fidel Castro. Marge ignited fight recently after implying the Catholic Church was run by Satan and covering up for pedophiles.  Throw shit at the wall, until something sticks.

If you look closely, sexual abuse happens in every church, temple or Synagogue. Anywhere the pedophile can get your child alone. While you are bamboozled into trusting that nice man. I had a family member that worked as a church secretary for a large Baptist church. But it could have been any denomination, even yours. A man in a nice suit walked in one day and asked to speak to the pastor.

He left with a large check and a promise of silence from a parishioner sexually assaulted by the youth minster. Later in the day, another walked in. The youth minister’s office was examined, and they found lots and lots of pictures of naked and familiar looking little boys, Including a wall calendar. The jig was up, and the church was broke. The youth minister was the son of a prominent generous and wealthy member of the flock. So, he was gone immediately, along with his financial support. In two weeks, the church was closed permanently.

The orbit has becomes so eccentric that there’s no turning back now. Twump blamed everything on everyone real or imagined. Twump took the conversation express train downtown to the Crazyville stop. MS-13 and Puerto Rican missiles, I mean North Korean missiles. Paper towels for you! And for you! Don’t crowd me, there are paper towels for everyone! Ever since the Ivermectin, I’ve had cravings for salads.

A pyramid comes to a point because it is the only possible outcome as each side builds upon the last. Garbage in, garbage out. Crazy in, crazy out! If Twump says, he saw a wolf on the path. Marge says she saw three wolves. They were nine feet tall and had antennas and had grenade launchers on their heads.

Bubba Abbott says he has bus load after bus load of immigrants, all ready for prompt shipment. Faux News has cameras, but we just need gas money! Florida’s answer to, What is: “Mass Psychosis?” Generalissimo Ron DeSantis suspects there is a golden goose in Florida disguised as a mouse. He has a baseball bat and plans on beating the shit out of that mouse. Anything at all to try and attract the wandering eye of the low IQ voters, we call Republicans.

“And if elected, I will lower your taxes, ruin your public schools and allow your infrastructure to deteriorate. Now, there are some space Aliens out there friends, who say that they are the true conservatives in this election!  But when push comes to shove, you’ll find they won’t dip their tentacles in the Hoofnagle!

They are young and inexperienced, and since I’m over five thousand years old. You can trust to me get it right the first time. Sure, we had that one little famine on the last planet that wiped out most of the population. But you can trust us, we won’t let that happen again!

“Sure, he’s from another galaxy in outer space. But he has real good conservative credentials. He favors burning down all public schools and outlawing sex entirely! And he’s for hunting down all those pedophiles! And besides, I’m afraid the Democrats might do something crazy, if they get into office!”

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