By David Glenn Cox
Clarence Thomas fears Americans could be losing respect for their institutions due to “Cancel Culture.” If irony could kill, someone had better call the paramedics. Bernie Madoff is worried about “Honesty” on Wall Street. The Houston Astros fear someone might be stealing their signs. But it is the illegitimacy of their cause displayed in the feeding frenzy of Pol Potian legislation and Torquemada rulings. The race to be the most draconian conservative state.
In Louisiana, they want abortion legally categorized as murder. So eventually, the state will be able put a woman to death for getting an abortion in the Frist Degree. To protect the sanctity of human life of course and to prevent repeat offenders. In Tennessee, that left over space between Alabama, Kentucky and West Virgina and Arkansas aka “The genius factory.” The Governor proposes outlawing Abortion drugs used in the privacy of a women’s own home. Oh, it is very much the state’s business. Maybe, we’ll just kick in your door and have us a look see.
The Tennessee the book room attendant adds a new wrinkle. If a pharmaceutical company ships a prescription of such cocktails into Tennessee. The pharmaceutical company faces the criminal penalties and not the women. Let me ask you a question here McGruff, while you’re taking a bite out of crime. Who exactly are you going to arrest? The kid in the mailroom who sent the order or the clerk who took the order off the Internet. Are they going to chase down the CEO and tackle him on the golf course and put him in silver bracelets?
What if it’s a foreign company McGruff? Are they going to get Interpol on the horn to issue and all-points bulletin for Mumbi? Why didn’t anyone ever think of this before? All we have to do is outlaw the drugs! Problem solved! Just make drugs illegal!
“Yeah, the reason I pulled you over is because your taillight is out. You know this a high pregnancy area, don’t you? A lot of fornicating females of childbearing age hanging around here. I see you’re a female of childbearing age. Do you have any abortion drugs in the car? Would you mind if I searched the car? We got an abortion drug sniffing dog back at the station house. Trained at high taxpayer expense! You might as well fess up because when we find those drugs. There’s gonna be one mighty sorry incarcerated shipping clerk in Cincinnati.”
What cancel culture could Clarence be talking about? January 6th perhaps? Where the propagandized inbred orange Hitler Youth attacked the Capitol and tried to Cancel Democracy, them? Or the blue haired ladies against freedom, cherry picking the school libraries in the public schools they don’t support anyway? Give it another fifty years, and you’ll have to go down to Post Office to pick up some request permission for sexual intercourse forms.
“Purpose of Sexual Intercourse” ( ) Procreation ( ) Recreation * Strongly discouraged
“Give a brief description of your sex partner’s genitals”
“Other than homosapien, describe your sexual preferences.” List any sex acts considered “fornication” or unnecessary arousal, under the terms of the state Constitution or official state Bible.”
Legal Notice: Anyone attempting to obtain sexual intercourse permission slips without being legally married under the eyes of God. Will subject the printer of this form to up to 90 days in jail!
“Now look, we issued you five permission slips last month, and still no pregnancy. Now tell the truth, you guys aren’t really trying you’re just fooling around, aren’t you? If there’s oral sex involved, don’t tell me. I’m required to report it. And don’t even think anal or I’ll be filling out paperwork all night.”
“Look, maybe you’re not doing something right. We can’t just keep issuing permission slips for nothing but entertainment! Chop, chop, Jesus is waiting! We have a government publication, a kind of self-help manual. But not that kind of self-help, there aren’t any pictures or anything. The book graphically describes how the man takes his “thing” and inserts in the women’s “thing.” Then they dance laying down together for not more than five minutes. Then after God’s surprise, they watch TV together or go to sleep.”
I’m forced to ask you this but, “You’re not using birth control, are you?” Have you seen the pamphlet? “Birth Control is Still Murder! Or my favorite, “Condoms – The Silent Baby Thief!” You see, under the theory of any interference at all between God’s sperm and God’s egg any interference at all, is legal murder. It’s only in your body, but it still belongs to God and the governor. He’s just letting you use them. The average teenage boy is serial killer wiping out whole nations of millions of potential humans.
Our prisons bulge with salesclerks guilty of selling erotica like hand lotion, suggestive magazines and cosmetics. The very precursors to the sex act. For suspicion of attempted murder. That clerk should get twenty years!
But the absurdity never ends. Many of you may remember back when that fine publication, “The Weekly World News,” first told us the fascinating story all about Hillary Clinton’s alien love child. This is back before the Weekly World News went all liberal and stuff, and we all cancelled our subscriptions.
Well, Quark Clinton is now twenty years old. He’s a handsome lad of nine feet tall with dazzling blue eyes and six fingers on each hand. He entered college with perfect scores in both the ACT and the SAT. He’s the captain of the basketball team and hasn’t missed a free throw in almost two years. Quark Clinton jokes, “On Neptune, the basket is three hundred feet away. If you missed from this short distance, they’d make you play with the scrubs.”
Quark is also teaching two courses, Applied Nuclear Physics, and French Poetry of the middle ages. Yes, you see, there is a reason why Quark must work to pay his way through school. Despite his stepdad being the former President and his biological mother, the former Secretary of State with millions of dollars in the bank. She doesn’t pay a dime towards the education of her own alien love child! No, she shuffles that responsibility off on to the hard-working American taxpayer. Quark is attending school on an affirmative action minority scholarship. Quark applied for financial aid as the first Neptunian/human hybrid enrolled. His status as a minority hybrid ensured his free college tuition.
Quark says, “After school he’d like to try his hand in politics.” With his engaging personality and ability to telepathically control the thoughts others. (just like his mother) Young Quark should do well. And Quark jokes, “and don’t start any of that birth certificate crap. I was born here on this planet and if you don’t believe me! You can ask my mom!”
My first thought about the Quark story was that I should write it up as a straight news story. Then place it on conservative pages and see how long it would take before seeing a Meme about it repeated on Facebook.
Our top story tonight, “Penny pinching Hillary Clinton, forces her own illegitimate child to work in a Sweat Shop!” Why whatever institutions could Clarence ever be talking about? Boy, there’s just no limit to that Hillary Clinton, is there? I’ll bet that kid ain’t really that smart.