By David Glenn Cox
It’s a moment in time. A time to take photographs as the Hindenburg approaches the mooring mast. The Grand Finale of the Reagan revolution with a Twump hangover. The James Webb space telescope is operating and proving conclusively that God has no understanding of Real Estate. “Location, location, location!” And where does he put us? His precious creatures created in his own image. (I bet he says that to all his creatures.) In the good universe or in the seedy Universe Six out by the airport?
The Webb telescope costing vast sums of money will prove once and for all of the Bible’s divine accuracy. Looking back through time, you can almost see Moses’ writing down notes from the Temple of Karnak. Listen to the Shaker’s sing with beautiful voices and nice furniture at every day, low, low, discount prices. Plain enough for Mennonites’ but something a Methodist could still be proud of. But God has put us in the backwaters of the universe for a reason. Maybe, he she or it is ashamed of us? It’s alright, if that’s the case. I’d rather know the truth now and move forward accordingly, than to be misled.
I suspect, it’s highly likely, this God has other creatures “made in his image” in the good parts of the universe. We’re past suburbia and off the bus route here. Plain old simple country folk living off the dirt roads of the universe. With a two-timing God, afraid to let his friends know that he’s affiliated with us. His drinking girlfriend. The hicks in the styx.
Finally, it will be possible to prove that the world is a mere, 7,000 years old a week ago last Tuesday. That’s what book says happened. But there was also a book about Hercules. As you might remember, his father was a god too. And his mother was a mortal woman too. She was a good and pious woman, because Zeus didn’t date any skanks, hoes or psycho babes. But since Hercules was of mortal birth, he was required to prove himself worthy to sit with the Gods up in the clouds. He must perform twelve labors and then he can ascend into the sky, to live with his father on Mount Olympus. What? You don’t believe?
Faith is defending ideas you can’t defend any other way. Sure, it sounds farfetched, but open your heart. Let the love of Zoroaster, or Hercules fill your hearts brothers and sisters. Jesus saves, Moses invests, but only Hercules kicks ass! If you want someone to right your wrongs today, and not forty years from now, call Hercules. No one seriously regards this as religious text anymore. It’s found in the library under mythology. Primitive ancient beliefs held by primitive ancient people, people who believed in magic spells and witches and pixies in the barn, that made the cow go dry. Let’s let those people run the world for a few hundred years.
It is the procession of humanity to build and learn and create, then declare it all heresy and burn it to the ground. That ancient ship’s computer found on a shipwreck in the Mediterranean was probably considered heresy or a tool of the devil. That’s why archeologists had never seen one before. They’d all been melted down to make religious artifacts. Their users placed under house arrest, until they recanted and admitted to consorting with the devil knowledge.
The eternal struggle of light versus dark. Ra playing draughts with the moon again. Experts say less than 25% of all treasure lost by all the Spanish ships in the Caribbean has ever been found. The abundance of treasure is due to the Spanish taking their astrologers advice for the best sailing times for the trip back to Spain. Their answer came back, “hurricane season, definitely hurricane season.”
The Oracle of Delphi was listening to our prayers surreptitiously from behind the wall. What a jip; you mean that she’s not really magic at all! She really can’t see into the future? All this time, just taking our money and telling us what we wanted to hear? It is written that the good Christians who sacked the Temple of Mars, smashed the oversized statue of the God, and then paused. Certain in their righteousness, but still fearing a lightning strike or some other form of retaliation from above.
It was illegal to teach the theory of evolution in Tennessee. And someday, god willing, it will be again. A violation of law to even let the words cross your lips. How dare you teach our children science. I bet, if we outlaw the truth, the truth will get discouraged and just go away. Then we can believe in the same myths and legends as our fathers and their forefathers before them believed. Legends about being swallowed by a sea monster while still alive or being fed mana falling from a star cruiser in the sky. Sea’s parting and people water skiing without a boat.
It’s not hard to believe God is avoiding us. We’re a lot of fun to be with but just not kind of civilization you want to settle down with. A little too dim in the crankcase and subject to go overboard at the slightest provocation. (Why didn’t Johnny Depp use a dating service?) That’s what money is for.
Two thousand years and we still don’t understand the true meaning of Christianity yet. Over consumption, over-population, and environmental degradation. That’s it, the true meaning. Sure, it sounds crazy, to a non-believer I suppose. But God has a plan! He’s told us all about it ahead of time (Spoiler alert) about how the world ends. Or more precisely, how he plans to exterminate those bad people he finds irreligious. In a horrific act of wanton vengeance, genocide and pith, his plan is to destroy the whole Earth with fire!
Well, doesn’t that sound like a very good idea to me? But then, I’m not very religious. I only go to the book burnings and the crucifixions around the holidays. But I never take a day off, they can flog you for that! God hates the lazy almost as much as the boss man does and for the same reason.
“If I were to construct a God, I would furnish him with some way and qualities and characteristics which the present lacks. He would not stoop to ask for any man’s compliments, praises, flatteries; and he would be far above exacting them. I would have him as self-respecting as the better sort of man in these regards.
He would not be a merchant, a trader. He would not buy these things. He would not sell, or offer to sell, temporary benefits of the joys of eternity for the product called worship. I would have him as dignified as the better sort of man in this regard.
He would value no love, but the love born of kindnesses conferred; not that born of benevolences contracted for. Repentance in a man’s heart for a wrong done would cancel and annul that sin; and no verbal prayers for forgiveness be required or desired or expected of that man.
In his Bible there would be no unforgiveable Sin. He would recognize in himself the author and Inventor of Sin and author and Inventor of the Vehicle and Appliances for its commission; and would place the whole responsibility where it would of right belong: upon himself, the only sinner.
He would not be a jealous God–a trait so small that even men despise it in each other.
He would not boast.
He would keep private his admirations of himself; He would regard self-praise as unbecoming the dignity of his position.
He would not have the spirit of vengeance in his heart. Then it would not issue from his lips.
There would not be any hell–except the one we live in from the cradle to the grave.
There would not be any heaven–the kind described in the world’s Bibles.
He would spend some of His eternities in trying to forgive himself for making man unhappy when he could have made him happy with the same effort and he would spend the rest of them in studying astronomy.” – Mark Twain