Revenge of the Nerd

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

I wasn’t surprised by the defeat of young Madison Cawthorn in his primary election. If you ever wondered where the edge of the Republican Party universe is at. Well, now you know, anything up to Madison Cawthorn is considered acceptable. After that, if you dare cross that line, they don’t want to know you anymore. He had the smell of fluke about him almost from the beginning. Jack Kennedy’s youth worked for him and not against him. But then, Jack had the good sense not to ask where the cocaine fueled orgies were being held in front of the cameras.

“Gee, which one of you guys is the cocaine dealer? I’d like to purchase five dollars’ worth please!” I went to school with lots of Madison Cawthorn’s, and I imagine so did you. “Mr. Poindexter, I’ve compiled a list of everyone who talked, while you were out in the hall! And David threw a paper wad at me.”

Hall monitor, crossing guard, drinking fountain attendant and student council. The kind of kid that would have an autographed picture of Jim Jordan or Rand Paul up in their room. A peculiar little fuck with a chip on his shoulder the size of Wisconsin, called permanent childhood.

Similar in many ways to paranoia, only they see themselves being persecuted only because they are so special. And it’s their specialness that’s causes their persecution. You all envy and hate their specialness. “Mr. Poindexter could have asked anyone, but he asked me!” Come on, be honest, who among us hasn’t made the simple honest mistake of trying to board an airliner with a loaded handgun?

It’s alright officer, I’m a congressman! I don’t need a driver’s license. It was like I was telling the other officer who pulled me over for speeding the other day. I’ve been busy being a congressman. “Hoo, and it’s hard work too!” His verbal gaffs and nutty as a pecan forest politics, brought him undeserved and unwanted attention by the electorate.

His cocaine fueled orgy remark, really alienated him from his party. Too new to know or to understand, that Republican voters will believe anything. Once granny hears about this, no more checks! And she’ll give it all to the TV preacher!

But let’s take a moment to visit Mr. or Ms. Imagination. You’ve just been invited to your very first cocaine fueled Republican orgy, and you don’t know what to wear. Sponsored by General Dynamics and the NRA, with pharmaceutical  grade cocaine graciously contributed by the American Medical Association. Now, let’s see; the average age for a Republican congress person, less Maddie, is around 107. Oh boy, I bet this is going to be some kind sexy orgy. Oh, you betcha!

This has got to be a fun group. A bunch of naked old men wandering around the room eying the prostitutes and Marge Tater Greene, fingering the finger food. Repent ye Sinners! Or this could be thy eternity! You couldn’t get a hard on in that room with a candy dish of Viagra and a motorized erector set. Now remember everybody; this is our special secret! So, don’t go telling anyone!

But Maddie conceded defeat early, almost like he knew it was coming and wrote his concession speech on Monday. Short and sweet and to the point, “you won’t have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore.” That part honestly surprised me, where was the whining and complaining? Where was the lunatic Maddie, we’ve all come to know?

Well, now he’s back, and he’s madder and pissier than ever! “Mr. Poindexter! I’ve compiled a list of all the Republicans who were mean to me while you were out in the hall. And I’ve compiled another list of my true good friends!” He plans to expose all the Republicans who were mean to him. “Now, you’re gonna get it! I’ll show you! “It’s time for Dark Maga to truly take command!” (Dun, dun, dun, da!) Add maniacal laughter, optional. “What are we going to do tonight, Brain?”

“When the establishment turned their guns on me, when the Uni-party coalesced to defeat an America First member very few people had my back,” said Cawthorn. “These are honorable men and women who are the type of friends anyone yearns to have.”

Boy, I hate that when the Uni-party coalesces to defeat and American firster and points guns and stuff. But that Uni-party, I guess that means a party of Republicans and Democrats working together in an unholy alliance. Back home, we just call that everybody. Or a general consensus of the public has been reached, finding that you shouldn’t be here anymore. “Mr. Poindexter! The Uni-party is picking on me!”

Good Guys: Tucker Carlson, Marge Tater Greene, Paul Gosar, Matt (Looking for love in all the wrong places) Gaetz , Steve Bannon and the National Rifle Association.

Bad Guys: Everyone else.

The time for “gentile politics as usual” is over, declaring that it’s “time for the rise of the new right, it’s time for Dark MAGA to truly take command.”

Excuse me, but wasn’t that a scene from a Batman movie? “I’ll clean up Gotham City! And then, I’ll get them all!” (Maniacal laughter not optional) No one ever doubts the MAGA inquisition!

“We have an enemy to defeat, but we will never be able to defeat them until we defeat the cowardly and weak members of our own party,” 

Excuse me, but isn’t that a scene from Mein Kampf? We must get all those November criminals who stabbed us in the back! Only then, can we rebuild Germany.

“Their days are numbered. We are coming.”

No, you aren’t coming, you’re going. A first-class nonstop ticket in your name has been provided for the evening train to Obscurity. Plus a complete set of Samsonite luggage. Plus Rice a Roni The San Francisco threat. I find it hard to believe that young Madison could ever organize and lead a revolutionary fascist movement. (In his dreams perhaps.) When he couldn’t even get re-elected in a safe Republican district near the Tennessee border.

It all has the aura and the odor of a delusion. Either he believes it himself, or he thinks you’ll believe it. “I’ll go with the elves and live in the forest, and they’ll teach me their elvian secret ways and then I’ll become their wizard. Then, I’ll return to take my revenge on them all! With terror in their eyes, they will all finally realize, that I was right all along! They never should have picked me last in P.E. I’ll show them, I’ll show them all! Make fun of my science project, will you!

The conversation ended there, as none the stuffed animals he was speaking with were capable of an intelligent reply. There was only silent acclamation of acceptance for the plan by all. It was settled then; revenge would be sought against all our enemies! “Soon! They’ll all be sorry!” I can hardly wait to see his superhero costume. Don’t forget the little mustache!

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