Magic Real, Court Affirms

Falling through the universe at the speed of life Photographer: Drew Angerer/Bloomberg via Getty Images

By David Glenn Cox

It is to be expected but not to be tolerated. Planted news stories of imagined importance for some reason for someone. News Flash: Ralph Cramden was removed from the Raccoons and Fred Flintstone ejected from the Loyal Order of the Water Buffaloes. A story of interest only to other Water Buffaloes or Raccoons, presented as a story for all!

USA Today (newspapers aren’t dead, but we’re trying) publishes a story that according to the big Hooba Jupe in San Francisco. Nancy Pelosi has been informed by the Archetype Bishop that due to her vote on reproductive rights. She will no longer be deemed worthy enough by the church to receive the holy sacrament of blood drinking and ritual cannibalism. (Still real, every show! 2,000 years! Accept no substitutes!)

Why sure, there are lots of Catholics out there, so the story is fair game. No word yet on the Archetype Bishop’s opinion of dating teen prostitutes or trying to overthrow the government. The Bishop takes a political action, for political reasons calls his friends at the newspaper and then wraps himself up in religiosity ridiculousness.

Imagine a priest posting notice on the door. The following Parishioners are behind in their tithes and won’t be allowed church sacraments until this deficiency is rectified. Don’t make me tell you again!

What kind of church or cult would call out a Parishioners views publicly? Who else has the Archetype Bishop named specifically, for their supposed transgressions? Why didn’t USA Today give us the complete list of the unworthy in the eyes of god, as judged by a long-time employee? Surely, in an arch dialysis the size of San Fransico, there must be at least one or two more other sinners out there, worthy of mention.

Pelosi is lucky, what with the prolonged drought and California’s tough environmental regulations. The church/cult is no longer able to publicly burn those at the stake who disagree. Gutenberg invented the printing press and Bell invented the telephone. The Archetype Bishop calls  his friends at the newspaper, and they do the burning in newsprint.

God has an opinion on politics! But he couldn’t be here tonight, so he sent this guy. Vote Republican or you’re all going to hell! Many people (USA Today readers especially) tend to read the headlines and ignore the bulk of the article; you know who you are. I don’t blame the Church/cult for trying to get free media advertising.

I do blame a so-called professional news organization, for being played like a cello to pitch far right-wing political views. As “Also in the news today, Nancy Pelosi was publicly condemned by the Archetype Bishop of San Francisco, as the demonic spawn of hell.”

When you use your religion to peddle your politics, you have no moral code. When you use your politics to peddle your religious views, you have no ethics. “So, see your local Dodge Dealer today, and tell em Jesus sent you!”

The Archetype Bishop gives no opinion on child poverty in Mississippi or Republican proposals to starve babies at the Mexican border. No, that’s somebody else’s job. One demon spawn at a time. One headline to splash, “Pelosi behind in Library fees!”

During the good ole days the Holy father could issue a Papal bull and deny her soul eternal rest. She’d have to spend eternity in purgatory with all those unborn babies. Because you see, according to the Church/cult, the souls of those unborn babies are also unworthy of eternal rest. They don’t know the name of Jesus and so are condemned forever because of it. Rules are rules.

Sure, Jesus could make an exception, but he won’t. Oh sure, he seems all nice and everything at first, but down deep he’s mean. He could pop over into purgatory and introduce himself around to all the unborn babies. Because you see, Jesus knew you before you were born, but because you didn’t know him back, you get to spend eternity in purgatory. Sucks to be you baby! First, you’re aborted and now this debacle. Tripped up by a technicality.

The church stands four square against abortion and all practicing Catholics everywhere should adhere and avoid having abortions. That should be the limit. Preach to your flock! Tell them all about it in the church bulletin. But I’m not a practicing Catholic, I was born Catholic, but it wore off and it left a stain.

Let’s pretend instead that this is the 21st Century and we aren’t waiting for Thor’s hammer to drop. Moses dividing the lobster tank as a parlor trick, will get you thrown out the Red Lobster. The lifeguard at the pool will still blow his whistle at you if you walk across the water in the diving area. Anyone seen any good magical signs up in the sky lately?

Eons ago in our deep dark past, people actually believed that there were fairies and pixie’s who would live in your barn and cause evil. Shamans and seekers plied the trade of fairy and pixie infestation eradication for the coin of the realm. The suckers believed and gladly paid. It was common knowledge that you didn’t go fucking around with fairies and pixies in your barn. Everyone knew that!

Then our ancestors became Christianized and were taught there was no such thing as Elves, fairies, or Pixies. Don’t be stupid! Just ignorant heathen superstitions, espoused by ignorant superstitious heathens. Laughable constructs of a primitive people afraid of the dark. Everyone knows that those aren’t pixies, those are demons sent by Satan! He’s trying steal your soul and drag it down into hell! The drugs, the alcohol, the rock and roll music and fast women just weren’t enough temptation huh? Satan now has to make a personal appearance, in your barn to seal the deal!

But, if we spray holy water while mumbling a meaningless incantation, that will make the demons all go away. Works every time! Satisfaction Guaranteed or double your demons back. I don’t know if Nancy Pelosi even has a barn. I sure hope not, or she could be in for an awful lot of trouble. The Archetype Bishop has spoken.

“A God who could make good children as easily a bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every one of them happy, yet never made a single happy one; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; who gave his angels eternal happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it; who gave his angels painless lives, yet cursed his other children with biting miseries and maladies of mind and body; who mouths justice, and invented hell–mouths mercy, and invented hell–mouths Golden Rules and forgiveness multiplied by seventy times seven, and invented hell; who mouths morals to other people, and has none himself; who frowns upon crimes, yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man’s acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally, with altogether divine obtuseness, invites his poor abused slave to worship him!” – Mark Twain

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