Friday Fun Facts

By David Glenn Cox

 Friday fun facts, because sometimes this stuff it too much for me too. I think I’d be more outraged, if I didn’t have to listen to all the speechifying between the witnesses. So, Friday fun facts. Do you know why sailors wear bell bottoms? I heard this the other day and had never thought about it before. Sailors wear bell bottoms, so they can more easily roll up their pants to swab the deck. Do you know why the pants had a button fly? To keep the sailors from masturbating, silly. So, they couldn’t so quickly button their fly if someone approached.

I was swimming in the pool doing the backstroke when a small leaf was caught in my wake and followed me. The idea suddenly hit me, those low-down fishy bastards. All this time, I thought they liked us or at least held some distant evolutionary admiration for us, but now I know the truth.

Maybe a thousand times in movies or travel logs you always see these friendly porpoises riding in the boat wake and acting cute. Now I know, these are dolphin freeloaders and wake surfers and probably all the wrong kind dolphin society to affiliate ourselves with. They don’t want to associate with us just surf in our boat wake, gnarly dude.

Probably what the Navy dolphins were trying to tell us all along. In Ukraine, Russian soldiers are said to be trying out a new strategy in the field called; kill the officers! A Russian Army General showed up in Ukraine on a fact-finding mission. Apparently, the general didn’t like some of the facts he found and began to raise his voice, get all huffy and throw his weight around.

The homeboys responded by pulling their machine guns on the General and his entourage, and politely suggesting they reboard their helicopter before somebody becomes a causality. In a standoff of well-armed men pointing guns at each other, slow walking the General, as he walks backwards towards his helicopter.

It must have looked like the end of a James Bond movie. The evil Russian General and the rogue military outfit, as this wasn’t just a couple of soldiers. This was the official position of the unit’s leadership. “If you don’t get outta here, you’re going to get hurt!” Always great when some General flies in from out of town to buck up the troops, by dressing them down.

“Why look here men, you’re dying too much, and I want you to stop doing that right now! Hunger and thirst and equipment shortages are just a state of mind! Why horse feathers, everyone knows a southern gentleman can whoop ten Yankees. Even if they do have weapons and missiles and drones. Get out there and show em what you’re made of! I mean fight, fight, fight!

All of us back at home really admire your willingness to die senselessly. For nothing at all, but a madman’s wet dream. And someday, maybe under a grand ceremony some sunny day, your name will be etched into marble on a monument. And left to weather in a city park or a playground, as a pigeon restroom in some forgotten part of the city.

The Russian battle plan seems to be coming into focus. The Russian Army will loot Ukraine into submission. Anything that fits in your pocket is fair game. The private stole a video game, and the corporal stole a computer. The private stole a kid’s bicycle, because he’s thinking of the little nippers back at home. Daddy went to war son and stole you this bicycle! How wretched are these people? “I’ll treasure it always Papa!”

A favorite item of Russian pilferage seems to be clothes washing machines. And it’s not that I don’t envy washing machines myself, only it’s the logistics involved. “Look here men, we’re carrying way too many washing machines! Now those of you living in villages without electricity are requested to leave your stolen washing machines behind. You can take along your stolen flat screen TVs, but you’re gonna have to ditch the Maytag.

But the Captain steals a BMW and the Colonel steals farm equipment. No telling what the Generals steal, but I’ll bet it’s better than a Speed Queen. Looting is not uncommon in war time, but the Russian’s seemed to have made it their specialty and primary function. The officers don’t dare confront the men about it, because they are afraid of them.

A fear not unfounded, after telling your men you are only going off for exercises for a couple of days. And then dropping them into a hot war zone for a couple of months by surprise. Yep, all the military manuals would agree. Choose your next order very carefully. The men are prone to be on a short fuse after that happens. There is no rule in the Russian army manual, that states an armored personnel carrier at war, can’t have a washing machine or two riding on top.

If a Russian soldier can’t steal a washing machine or a flat screen TV or a computer game, what’s this War all about for them? It’s not that they steal; that’s so bad. It’s what they steal, which makes them look so pathetic. “Oh boy! Yu-Gi-oh cards and Beanie Babies! A complete 2002, Top’s Baseball card set! And look everybody! Video tapes! Take as many as you want! “Different Strokes Season 3! What are you talking about Willis? Titanic and the Lion King!”

The wife asked me to keep my eye out for new coffee table, something in oak maybe? What is going through the mind of a man a thousand miles from his home stealing a washing machine?  “Won’t the wife be surprised when I show up with this strapped to my back? That is, if I survive the war.”

What does it say about the desire to have a luxurious washing machine? A desire so strong and willing to go to any length not to let go of it like a dream. Like “The Old Man and the Sea,” willing to do anything to hold onto that washing machine and strap it to the side of the boat. Knowing he’ll never make it home with it. Just so he can say he had a luxurious washing machine once, even if he never got the chance to use it.

Their ancestors were once proud Vikings, now reduced to common thieves. I think it’s another sign that the universe isn’t expanding anymore. And things and people are starting to run backwards as the universe collapses around our ears. Will Rogers said, “We’d be the first generation to drive to the poor house in a new car.” The Russian Army faces Armageddon with whiter whites and brighter colors. If you think the washing machine works good now, just you wait until our village gets electricity!