Badly Handled is Badly Done

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

They’re coming out of the woodwork now; the good, the bad and the ugly. A former Twump White House aide says, when she tried to turn in her notice after the election. Mark Meadows dropped hints like, “What if we aren’t leaving?” Corroborate that, and you have a basis for a treason charge. Loose lips sink ships and coup d’états. The first rule of Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club. Premeditation, planning and conspiracy, all rolled into one little careless statement.

History is such a good teacher, because Nixon never went to jail. Nixon got sick (cough, cough) and went away to one of those hospitals for rich people hiding from the law. Now, Nixon’s underlings, they went to jail. And from a distance you can smell the stew beginning to bubble. John Eastman will probably spend time in jail, and Mark Meadows shouldn’t make any extended travel plans either.

It’s always struck me how they played at insurrection and treason, like it was a game. Tweeting off messages of sedition like the Hardy Boy’s at Camp Run Amuck. Like the tweets would just vanish into the ether and could never be recovered. That the security cameras would never see a gaggle of red baseball hatted idiots, traipsing through the Capitol after hours.

Like a bad penny, John Bolton is back. Famous for his once wild extremist Reich wing political views and bushy mustache. He’s now considered almost, and some would say a “rino.”  His views haven’t changed any, only against the backdrop of Twumpism, Bolton appears almost rational. Like he doesn’t even believe in Leprechauns anymore. But it’s like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Bolton was too hot for the Reagan Administration and too cold for “W.”  With Twump, Bolton thought “Here was his chance.”

Only, it’s hard to be the craziest mother on the planet. When everyone else in the room wants to be the craziest mother on the planet too. You’ve got to howl louder than all the other howlers to try and get ahead. His extremist views in Twumpville, were now considered too mundane.

Twump demanded loyalty, to the point of burning a mass card in your hand and wanting Bolton to put his neck on the chopping block. The higher up you go the more that is asked of you. But Bolton learned in just outside of a year, that working for Twump was like herding cats. And so, he moved on to a book deal (Like everyone else) and his old job of rabble rousing on Faux News. But he soon discovered, he had been Twump listed and moved on over to CNN.

Bolton is a good stick to put in the ground to measure the distances of shadows on the moving goal posts of the playing field. Bolton’s extremism makes him a constant; whatever he says is the extremist view.

This is one of Bolton’s best forays into madness, and I’m almost certain that this one will make the highlight reel. Bolton maintains that he is an expert on coup d’états and has participated in many coup d’états, all over the world. And January  6th wasn’t a coup attempt. According to Bolton, it wasn’t organized well enough, like a coup attempt ought to be organized.

A CIA officer says that Bolton is full of it. He’s just puffing the goods of hypothetical plans made over drinks after work. Trying to make himself an expert. “I say so, therefore, I am. That’s the secret of  good television Tucker. Self-styled experts with a sense of madness and a touch of wild filigree.” But it’s the best defense of Twump that I’ve heard so far. “Oh, it couldn’t have been a coup. Twump was far too stupid and incompetent to pull off anything like an actual coup.”

Strangely, my views intersect with Bolton’s but differ on the outcome. We agree this coup attempt was basically amateur night. Almost to the point, where it couldn’t even be called a proper coup. The big ape simply summoned a convention of angry little apes to come to Washington, for the express purpose of inciting those chimps and chipettes to riot. To create a disturbance against their government as pressure and as a cover, so as to try one last time to overturn the election.

The plan was to incite an armed mob to riot, so as to steal an election.  Now, that’s not what you’d call real precise coup planning. (At ten o’clock, you turn the bulls loose in the China shop.) And while Bolton doesn’t think it meets the official threshold of a coup d’état, I do.

Bolton wants to give them the benefit of the doubt. “Look at em! How they drove that car 300 miles to get here is a miracle in itself! Coup d’état? They could barely find the Best Western motel on their own. Look at this poor slob from Alabama, he brought homemade Molotov Cocktails in a cooler. The glass jars cracked and leaked all over the cooler and they won’t be able to use that cooler at the church picnics anymore. And you call that a coup?

Sure, they were chanting “Hang Mike Pence!” But it wasn’t a coup attempt, just high spirits that’s all. They were all real excited coming to town and all. And who among us doesn’t get excited and break into Federal buildings or do battle with the police from time to time? Can you really call face paint and buffalo robes and a few dead cops, a coup attempt?

Yes, the mob was armed and yes, Twump knew the mob was armed, and he liked it. It was good. And he didn’t want their weapons taken away from them, because they weren’t pointing them at him. He wanted them to point and shoot at other people.

That would be a proper coup attempt. But the Twumpian morons and miscreants didn’t catch on to Twump’s detestable drift, due to their basic suburbanite sensibilities. (Make with the violence already dipshits! The cameras are rolling!) No more talk of hanging Mike Pence! Get busy and start hanging, and Twump savored that idea. That’s what he really wanted. He wanted blood and violence and dead bodies in the street. The reality star wanted a bloody TV extravaganza for his season finale.

But like everything in the Twump orbit, it was done ham handedly or mishandled entirely. Even badly handled coup attempts are still coup attempts. Twump failed to incite the mob to the necessary level of violence.

And his apologists will claim that this failure is proof there was no crime. You don’t get any time off your prison sentence because the getaway car broke down in front of the bank you robbed. No one should feel sorry for you because your next-door neighbor worked at the bank. Badly handled is badly done, but still done. Stupidity isn’t an allowed in court as mitigating factor, until you reach the level of mental retardation.

“If you don’t know where you are going,
you’ll end up someplace else.”

― Yogi Berra

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