By His Own Hand

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

It looks bad for the Republicans, but it is actually much worse than it appears. Alaska’s one seat in the House of Representative has been held by a Republican for over fifty years. How oh, how, could Democrats possibly ever have a shot at winning that seat?

Why it would take a miracle or the Republicans would have to have done something incredibly stupid, like nominated Sarah Palin to run for the seat. Fun fact or frightening fact, Sarah Palin lists her age as 58. I would have guessed 68. The similarity in appearance to Waylon Flowers and Madame is frightening to most small children.

Little Jack Daniels was only five foot one, but he packs a mean punch. She’s had a hard road since her nomination for Vice President. Everyone blamed her for the loss of the Presidential election when it wasn’t really her fault at all. It John McCain’s fault, for picking her in the first place. She was listed as a reality star which seems odd to me as someone who barely visits reality, could be called a “Reality” Star.

Sarah’s past performance has jaundiced the electorate. The Alaskans who don’t remember her as the Governor who quit her post mid-term. Remember her as the flame out of a Vice Presidential candidate. Don’t quit your job and then have the temerity to ask for another job. Palin faces an uphill battle against her Democratic rival who knows stuff about local issues. “I’m still big! It’s the liquor bottles that have gotten smaller.”

The little horn follows the big horn, for it is written. Reich wing activist and Twump rectal Apostle, Looney Laura Loomer, refuses to admit defeat after losing the Republican primary in Florida’s 11th Congressional District. She tearfully blames “Big-Tech interference.”

“I’m not conceding, because I’m a winner and the reality is our Republican Party is broken to its core,” Loomer told supporters. “What we have done tonight has really honestly shocked the nation. We have further exposed the corruption within our own feckless, cowardly Republican Party.”

Are you shocked? I’m anything but shocked. Let’s break this down, “What we have done,” Lose. “We have further exposed the corruption” (by losing). “Our own feckless, cowardly Republican Party.” (Fuck all you guys, I’m going home!)

It was just the other day, I had mentioned the Republicans were going to have to fight with each other, before they could have their Uncivil War. What Looney Laura is actually angry about is her lack partisan support. When the Looney says, “Big-Tech interfered.” You’re supposed to say, “Oh yes, Big Tech interfered!” When she says, All the elections are crooked! “Oh yes, save us, save us!”  

Instead when she says that she was robbed, and no one chimes in with support. Because the lie is passed its sell date and so, there is a pause in the conversation for uncomfortable embarrassment, whenever someone makes a reference to it.

But the news for Republicans isn’t all bad. Just kidding, the news for Republicans is all bad!

Even when the Republicans win a race, it’s bad news. As a suspected child sex trafficker Matt Gaetz won his primary race. In a district where they just don’t give a shit about what the world thinks of them. Gaetz will remain the clown prince of Republican politics.  And will stain the backdrop of their moral correctness with his moral turpitude for at least two more years, or until finally sentenced.

A new study finds the average Texan pays more in taxes than the average Californian, despite having no state income tax. The old nickel and dime them to death routine. The kicker that really sweetens the pot is that Texans, don’t get jack shit for their money! Poor services, bad roads, and low wages. There’s a hole in daddies’ arm where all the money goes.

Huey Long once said, “You’re always going to have taxes, and the state is always going to be in debt. So, it isn’t the money; it’s about what are you getting for your money.”

I love this story about Huey, so don’t stop me if you’ve heard it before. Huey Long built 3,000 miles of paved roads in a state with less than 300 miles when he was elected, and was criticized harshly by his opponents. A reporter took Long to task, complaining that according to reports, Long’s roads were narrow and poor constructed. Long glancing down the new highway replied, “According to my reports, there didn’t used to be a road here.”

Fuel prices have fallen seventy days in a row, thus stripping Republicans of any opportunity to whine and screech like a bad bearing. My F-250  dually is costing me a fortune in fuel when I pull my travel trailer!  Nothing seems to be going right! “How can we blame Joe Biden now?” Even the inflation numbers are coming down, damn it!

North Carolina’s first ever Republican Nazi Lt. Governor, Mark Robinson says, “Gay people go to elementary schools to teach children what to do in the bedroom.” You must be at least this high, to believe such nonsense. A black man hurling firebombs at minority groups. What’s wrong with this picture? “All those in favor of building the new plant in North Carolina, clean out your desks!”

Robinson wants to eliminate the state board of education and eliminate the teaching of science and social studies in North Carolina schools. I wonder, if it just wouldn’t be easier and more cost effective, to just stop teaching the kids to read all together. Why teach them to read just to tell them not too? Tell em, just come to church on Sunday and the preacher will tell em all about what Jebus said.

And Hershel Walker is asking the question which has plagued us as Americans for far too long, “Don’t we have enough trees around here already?”  I suppose he’s right; trees can cause forest fires and forest fires prevent bears. California would have so much less trouble, if they would just cut down all those pesky trees and rake up the branches.

What he’s blathering on about is urban forestry. Planting more trees in cities to try and control the temperature. Atlanta was becoming a heat sink which was affecting the weather. Farmers are dependent on weather, you know. The reason the ancient Mayans developed irrigation was because after they cut down all the trees, it stopped raining. Short sighted, narrow minded and just plain ugly.

Former Pwesident Twump, in shrewd legal move by his team of semi legal professionals. Will sue the Justice Department for coming into his home and reclaiming documents which had been legally requested, but not returned. With this clever legal move Twump will make headlines while almost guaranteeing that formal charges will placed against him. By asking for a special master to look at the documents which already known to be top secret. Twump will be convicted by his own hand.

I told you the news was all bad… If you’re a Republican.

“Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.”
― Groucho Marx

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