Double or Nothing

By David Glenn Cox

Sometimes, you just have to give the devil his due. Just sit back and watch with admiration at the artistry of someone so adept at manipulating the spoken word for their own benefit. When last we caught up with J.R. Majewski, he was running for congress as a Twumper Republican in Ohio.

A juggler, only with words. All that you would expect from this sort, flag waving, neo fascist long on emotion and short of substance politics. QAnon supporting, conspiracy theory loving, first class liar. He claimed to be in one of the first units into Afghanistan, but his military record showed that he never got any closer than Japan.

There was a moment when the campaign reeled as J.R.’s military claims where exposed as a false. For most of us, it would be the end of the road. But when you’re good Buddy, you’re good. J.R. now claims his records say that because (Cue 007 theme music) his military operations were classified. You’d have to go to Mar-A-Lago for his real military service records.

His public military records are only the reflections of a ghost. A man who doesn’t really exist. A man walking between the raindrops. A strawman to throw the enemies of America off the track. Why maybe he’s even mud wrestled Osama Bin Laden, but that’s on a need to know only basis, and you don’t need to know.

He might have been one of those unknown warriors, fighting unknown wars in the mud of some gawd awful butthole of a country. In a secret war going on while you sat on your couch benignly eating your Cheetos, munching on your sandwich and binge-watching Netflix.

“Don’t be ridiculous, you fool, of course, the records say I’ve never been to Afghanistan! Do you want THEM to find out? The records say I’ve never been to Moscow either. Never been aboard the top-secret CIA submarine and never infiltrated into Tehran living secretly as a woman. The records don’t say a lot about me. You are lucky I told you as much as I did. I’m kind of humble and don’t like to talk about it, all that much.”

J.R. has none of the campaign ribbons that even Navy Seals wear. You almost have to admire the guy, pulling such a whopper from his back pocket. While trying to save himself from the last whopper gone all flat and lost its bubbly. It kind of makes you want to keep on watching, just to see what he comes up with next.

“Blofeld, I should have known it was you all along.” That’s right Mr. Majewski; we meet again. Where was it last time Mr. Majewski, Tangiers or was it in Istanbul? “It was Paris, where you stole the only women, I ever loved. Do you expect me to talk Blofeld?”  No, Mr. Majewski, I expect you to die! Ha, ha, ha (maniacal laughter)

It’s the Music man scolding the parents for not having more faith in their children’s musical abilities. Upon hearing reports of J.R’s prevarications the Republican money pump was promptly shut off. Maybe because they were outraged that anyone would ever lie about their military service in this great country of ours. Or maybe, they were just looking for a reason to shut down this lone nut with a gun anyway.

He wasn’t a Party darling, but a Twumper. There are a lot of RINO’s in the Republican Party, you know. You can’t trust anyone anymore. The Republican Party hasn’t turned the pump back on, so maybe there is still a chance there will be another chapter in J.R.’s saga, I’m sure.

About the time he was dropped behind enemy lines and had to get this special ring and throw it into a volcano. All while, all manner of weird creatures were after him and these little, short barefooted natives he was helping. They weren’t very bright, these third-world imbeciles, but they were on our side.

Maybe his old buddy Twump could use his telepathy to declassify his service records. And prove  J.R. Majewski as a private loading luggage on passenger jets in Japan, was nothing but a paper fiction. A ruse to throw our enemies off the track in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Helping Captain America to clear Japanistan from Islamic terrorism, one Samsonite suitcase or general’s duffel bag at a time.

J.R.’s got nothing to lose now that the party has pulled the plug on him. Go big or go home, double or nothing.

Here in Arizona, the Republicans have brought back the Abortion ban from out of the territorial past. Just in case women have already forgotten who it is, trying to take their rights. One third of America approves of deporting legal aliens on charter jets, while two thirds disapprove. Ron DeSantis no longer leads in Florida reelection polls and Beto O’Rourke draws closer in Texas.

Twump draws closer to QAnon, though his advisors are discouraging the one finger salute. I, on the other hand, do have a one finger salute. Majewski like Twump, just throws out another lie after the previous lie has grown stale but does so effortlessly and with such great artistry and imagination. Learning at the foot of the master.

“There’s a man who leads a life of danger. To everyone he meets he stays a stranger. With every move he makes, another chance he takes. Odds are he won’t live to see tomorrow. Secret agent man! Secret Agent man!” They’re taking away your number giving you a name Majewski!

I guess that’s probably why people in the witness protection program don’t run for Congress either. Too much of a chance of bumping into the past. Duel personalities bound to collide.

Either Majewski, the secret air force agent working on classified assignments. So secret and so sensitive that a complete alter ego record of his military service was devised for his own protection. Or Majewski, a lowly shoeshine boy and luggage handler. This Walter Mitty character wrapped in the flag who was really Underdog, but he couldn’t tell you about it, because it was secret! You decide.

The fine art of prevarication has been with us since the days when Caine told god to “Go find him yourself.” (You so smart) It is an ancient art to be preserved and is easily polluted in this Internet age of ours. I’m not pro prevarication in general but have found it useful myself, while speaking to police officers and members of the court. So, I can’t honestly say that I’m 100% against it.

But every once in a while, you just have to stop and give the devil his due. You could stay up late every night this week and you’re not going to hear a better whopper than this one. “My military history is classified. But if I could tell you about it, it would knock your socks off! Ever hear about the time I mud wrestled Osama? Yeah, me too, but I can’t tell you about it. It’s classified.”

“I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not tell a lie; I can, but I won’t.” ― Mark Twain