Sargent Trumpers Lonely Hearts Club

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

Donald Trump is suing CNN for defamation of character (that’s a stretch). In actuality, it has a promotional quality usually budgeted to the advertising department. They can’t just put you on One American Idiot network or Faux, unless you got something good and juicy to say. Anything at all, except for maybe Bigfoot stories.

“In my historic lawsuit for…for…for more money than whatever the amount that Faux is being sued for. It’ll be the biggest lawsuit ever.” This is the counter puncher counter punchering, This is classic Ed Wood, fighting the mechanical octopus (w/o motor)in the swimming pool projection.

“I’m still fighting everyone! Look, I’m suing CNN for comparing me to Hitler. Boy, wait until I get them in court. It’s gonna take a lot of money of course, but I know I can count on my friends to help me fight this historic fight for our freedom!”

Until he becomes as predictable as the bus line. If there is a way to make a buck off it, he’s going to make a buck off it. I swear, his funeral will probably be held in Madison Square Garden for $1,500 a ticket, for the cheap seats and offered at home on a pay per view. Special Opening Act, Kid (you’re kidding me.) Rock!

He’s got to sue somebody or do something to stay relevant and what better way than by becoming a victim! Everybody is out to get him, and CNN compared Trump to Hitler. That’s preposterous, Hitler was a combat veteran, that’s what that weird little moustache was all about. The only moustache you could wear with a gas mask, as a signal he was a veteran. He worked himself up from nothing, wrote his own book and loved dogs. Nothing at all like Donald Trump.

Ah, but it’s the comparison of two similar subjects from two different eras. Comparison is the way the human mind works. Aaron Judge hit 62 home runs, why is that important? There is no face on the moon, that’s your brain doing that. We see faces in windowpanes and faces on trees and even Jesus appears on tacos and waffles occasionally. It’s human nature, “I think the County fair this year was better than the fair last year.”

Trump will have to prove CNN maliciously lied on purpose, when they called him a liar on the air. “How dare they call my lies, lies? I’ll sue! I’m just an honest businessman out to make America a better place through narcissistic self-promotion.” Trump will have to cite examples of where CNN categorically defamed him on purpose, by proving his lies to be true. So, lame even a traveling tent preacher couldn’t heal it.

There is no such thing as bad publicity in Trump world. “Take your time fellas, no hurry on the lawsuit. Let’s just milk this cow for a while.” Reports say the crowds grew restless in his Michigan Trump rally and some of the hoosters began to leave before the fourth quarter. Just the same ole, same ole, grueling Trump stump speech, all hour, and six minutes of it. Just more of the same. Now, we have a new subject to talk about. “Hey everybody look at me! They’re out to get me!”

Imitation is the sincerest form of Country music and the second most sincere are Conservatives. Living under the paranoid delusion that everyone is “Woke” and out to get them. A new dating website has arrived, just for conservatives. Conservatives spurned on local “Woke” dating sites with terms like Cro-Magnon, chauvinist, and bigot, they abandon that well for “The Right Stuff” Get it? Pretty clever huh?

I can just image the profiles; “Hi, my name is Matt; I mean Mike. I’ve got a good job in Washington. So, money is no object. I’m looking for cheap tawdry sex and lots of it. (I’m a basket case) I’m willing to pay! Age no problem, no car, no problem, no license, no problem! Call Me Today!

No mention of whether The Right Stuff (Get it? Pretty clever huh?) will include alternative relationship listings. “Hi, I’m a closeted Gay man and Senator from South Carolina, looking to meet same for new experiences.”

“HelLO, Mi nam id Herschel. I don care what you look like! I don care if you’s married. The first abortion is always on me. The second one we go 50/50.”

“Hi, I’m a doctor running for office in Pennsylvania. Must be willing to meet in New Jersey.”

Ahh, but who will they date?” “I’m looking for a man to use me as his narcissistic play toy. And devalue my opinions and generally treat me badly.  Alcoholics and drug abuser’s welcome! Three of my six ex-husbands claimed I was bi-polar, but two of my ex-husbands I made up myself. So, their opinions don’t count.”

Hi, my name in Marjorie. I’m looking to meet (more) new people. I just got a divorce, so it’s a brand-new experience for me going home after sex, and no one is there waiting for me. Not into to being touched by ten-foot poles, so don’t ask!

“Hi, my name is DT. I’m  in a polyamorous arrangement, but always looking for some fun on the side. I’m tall with blonde hair, and my skin glows with orange radiance. I’m fit and built like a Greek God. My likes include golf and collecting stolen documents. My idea of a perfect date is… the wife not finding out. “Women often tell me what a big dick I am, I mean, I have, I have.”

Forced into a subterranean alternate universe and forced to live below ground. Their opinions and prejudices are not welcome on mainstream dating sites. So, they’ll go where the weather fits their brains. Because it must the dating websites and not them, right?  Skipping over the ocean like a stone. Something tells me the Neanderthals were all right wingers, and thus explains their sudden extinction.

Donald Trump is suing CNN for publicity, to say one more time “Look at me! Look at me! They’re all out to get me! And they’ll get you too! I’m still relevant, see and I can still give as good as I take. But it is the last gasp, the last go round, the greatest hits album or the new concept album.

“Why thank you for inviting me here tonight. I’m anxious to tell your viewers all about the new concept album. I call it, “They’re All Out to Get Me!” But my agent likes, “Sargent Trumper’s Lonely Hearts Club.”  

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