The Snore of the Ring

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

It takes more courage than I could ever muster. Tackling a modern masterpiece and setting out to make a few slight improvements, along the way. It adds weight to my theory, that money can make you stupid.

It is an outrageous theory I know but gives solace to those of us without a lot of money, so humor us and just go with it. That somehow zeros in your bank account gives you some sort of clarity of vision denied to the rest of us. Did you know Cadillac is the number one vehicle for buyers’ remorse?

A frank admission here. I have read half of “The Lord of the Rings” while in Middle School. It just wasn’t my cup of tea. I’m too much into facts and history, to ever get myself involved with barefoot elves and wizards. I’ve got nothing against it, and I see the grand vision of it. I see the literary masterpiece angle to it, and I can understand the people’s love for the work.

I’ve sat through the hours of the films, beautiful scenery. Wow, that New Zealand is a gorgeous country! But all the rest leaves me cold. “I shall remain on the couch of wastefulness, eating of the magic chips of chocolate. Hidden in the scared cream from the ice world, from the bosom of the Dairy Queen. I shall not fulfill my quest to do battle with laundrydom in the valley of despair, at the hidden palace of strong odors!”  

So, I read about Amazon’s new production of “The Rings of Power.” My first thought was “What are they thinking? Are they crazy? Are they just putting us on? They are going to sit down and write new episodes of J.R.R. Tolkien? Really? That’s incredibly brave! And they’re going to spend a billion dollars to do it! That’s incredibly dangerous!

If you take a cookie and put it under a box and told a six-year-old, they can have it in five minutes after they do their chores. The six-year-old might successfully do their chores. But if you tell them there is a box with a King’s ransom in cookies for finishing their chores. They will run wild with desire for this fortune in cookies and turn to a schlock approach.

Daydreaming and California dreaming of their fortune in cookies and letting the CGI do the rest. Who needs a reputation, after this payday?

It was a plan doomed from the start. Someone not only thought this was a good idea, but they also pushed for it and fought for it, to get it made.  “This is pure genius! Why didn’t we think of this before?” Sure, Disney has Star Wars, but we have “J. R.R. Tolkien!” sort of. We have two young writers who have heard of J.R.R. Tolkien and saw the films in film school once. And if this goes over Vern. Then we go for the jugular vein!

Take that Disney! Amazon’s “New Adventures of the Bible!” Only in this version, Jesus is an inner-city attorney working as a public defender busting corruption. In a tough gritty urban environment, where no one knows his secret identity, except for one small child, named Julio.

We can frame the whole thing through the kid’s eyes! Instead of a manger, we could use a seedy motel full of junkies and crackheads. We could do an episode of the three kings being robbed in the parking lot and having no gifts for the baby Jesus!

“Look! I told you! I ain’t trading no rock for no damn frankincense. Take it over to the pawn shop! See what they give you for it”

It’ll will kill on the holidays! We could premier it on Thanksgiving or even Easter Sunday!  

Now, obviously, Jesus can’t walk everywhere in the 21st Century or ride the bus. So, let’s give him a perfectly restored 1965 Shelby Mustang to drive. Being a gear head himself, Jesus had restored the car all alone. It was a labor of love done in just a second. With just the blink of an eye! Huh? Huh?  We don’t have to explain.

You think we’re gonna put Jesus in a beat-up minivan? Do you? And let’s see, instead of the apostles, it could be Jesus’s racially diverse group of friends on the ACLU softball team. You know, the whole “Friends” thing!” His friends could help Jesus through his social dilemmas each week.

 Pete and Pauly are Jesus’s best bros. They’re always shooting hoops and hanging together on the weekends. But his best bud is this guy named Judas. Huh? Huh? See where were going here? The season finale writes itself!

Use the CGI to let Jesus perform few miracles each week, jerk a few tears from a few glass eyes. And it will leave Star Wars in the dust, light sabers my ass!  Jesus also has this on again, off again girlfriend named Mary. (Think Princess Laya only a prostitute)

Nothing sexual, but the tension is there. Jesus only knows her in passing and knows that she works nights for a man who wears a lot of gold jewelry named Big Bruno. But you know Jesus, he passes no judgments.

Amazon in response to poor reviews for “The Snore of the Ring” starts a campaign of “If you don’t like it, you’re all wrong!” The trade papers where money doesn’t talk it swears, gush with praise and a running defense. But Amazon has removed the rating feature, just in case. They’re proud to tell you how many people tuned in, but not for how long. We’re sure you’re you are going to like it! You better, or we’ll call you names. You’re just haters, who would never be satisfied.

Yes, and I could have told you that about a billion dollars ago. You chose to dive off the rim of the Grand Canyon of Faithfulness and complain when no one applauded. When they could have told you it was a bad idea, before you tried it. Audiences are fussy, and they don’t like bad ideas.

There was a record voter turnout for early voting in Georga yesterday, which means, play the DRAGNET theme music for the Republicans. Maybe, Herschel Walker’s honorary policeman badge has spurred the record voter turnout? Or maybe there is a populace on fire. This is the off-year election where nobody usually votes with an expected huge turnout.

An audience growing bored with Trump stunts and policeman badges, QAnon and claims of everyone’s lying but me! I never even met that woman, she’s the mother of my son! Hi, maybe you know me from my TV show? I live in New Jersey but couldn’t get elected there. So, I’m running to be your Senator here in ah, ah yeah Pennsylvania. And if you elect me! No child under seven years of age will be allowed to get a late term abortion in this state! Even in the case of rape or incest.

The extreme Court’s premeditated attack on Roe has not gone down well with the public. Public opinion of the court has never been lower. Public opinion of Donald Trump and the Republican Party has never been lower. No matter how much they try and tell you how much you like it.

In the face of a strong public reaction, Amazon spends its money trying to convince you that you really do like “The Snore of the Ring.” You really do! Don’t listen to public opinion! Don’t make up your own mind! Listen to us, you really do like it! It’s not extreme at all. It’s not foul or putrid, you really do like it. It’s not a foul perversion of the original ideas at all.

You like it, you really do. I know; It all sounds really terrible, but you’ll like it!  But audiences are fussy, and they don’t like bad ideas.

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