That Cage Doesn’t Mean We’re Getting a Dog

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

In this episode of taking Wille in hand; we discuss the perils of masturbation while at work. The do’s and do not do’s of getting it on before you get off. It seems in every election cycle there is at least one candidate arrested on some sexual indecency charge.

Peeping in some poor women’s bedroom window with a video camera, dressed only in Saran wrap full make up and a Barbara Streisand wig. Or works in the University locker room for years, big sex scandal at the University locker room. Didn’t see nothing, Congressman now. Who says America isn’t the land of opportunity?

I remember a few years back; an anti-Gay Republican California state legislator was caught dancing in a Gay bar. His secret was discovered through shrewd detective work. That and someone noticed the congressional license plate on the back of his state car and put 2 + 2 together. When you are a public figure, you are always at work until you lock the door at home. Isn’t that right, Mr. Clinton?

Randy Kaufman is a now former Republican candidate for a minor college governing position here in Arizona. He has suspended his campaign after Campus Police caught him in his pickup truck with his pants at thigh level.  With Willie standing so proud and so erect, he could be saluting the American flag! And Randy was doing the Pee Wee Herman or the George Michael, pretending his hand was a busy elevator in a busy Department store.

How strong is that urge? Full disclosure, I’ve never masturbated or otherwise had sex at work. It always seemed like polar opposites to me. Work inspires no romance in me, and romance inspires no desire to go to work. Besides, the only magazines we had at work were the North American Diesel Progress. And if that turns you on…you ought to go back to work.

I have had sex outdoors; it sounds a lot better than is kids. Step one, find yourself a remote location. Please Note: Locations tend to immediately become less remote, the second you drop your drawers. You could be at the North Pole and here comes Admiral Byrd.

I had a friend that took a supper and champagne into the woods with his fiancé. Under the stars, they ate and drank and listened to soft music in solitude for hours. As the clothes and the champagne disappeared and the love making began.

A buzzing noise began in the woods off in the distance and before you could say Yamaha, a group of teenagers on dirt bikes had appeared. Doing doughnuts and wheelies around the couple enjoying their spree. The couple, naked as jay birds were powerless to stop them. And just had to wait for them to get bored and go away, huddled together covered under a blanket.

Kaufman told police, he didn’t know there was a daycare located close by and told the arresting officer, “I guess, I F***ed up.” The arresting officer said Kaufman appeared to be looking at something on his cell phone in one hand, while playing elevator with the other. And he didn’t appear to notice the officer at first. I sincerely hope so. I would hate to think that Kaufman saw the cop standing there and just continued, as if he wasn’t.  Rolled the window down and said, “Be with you in a minute officer.”

That was probably the jump scare of the week when Kaufman did finally notice him. He probably could have been an America’s funniest home video winner. But the mechanics of the cell phone in one hand and Willie in the other. Pants and underwear shoved uncomfortably down underneath the steering wheel.

Your bare butt sticking to the upholstery never intended or designed for bare butts. Almost like driving with a manual transmission! Left hand here, right hand there and what happens when the video ends Einstein? What exactly is your clean up procedure, in the comfort and semi-privacy of your own Toyota?  

I’ve never been so overcome by the need for immediate sexual gratification. That I’ve run to the car like an alcoholic running for a bottle hidden under the seat or a junkie for a fix.

Masturbation is normal, masturbation in a car near a preschool is not normal and very troubling. I think the court might want to seize that cell phone, just to see exactly what ole Randy was looking at, at the time of his arrest. That was so overwhelming to him, he didn’t notice a uniformed policeman standing less than one foot from his window.

It is a crime of indiscretion more than anything. Do you want someone controlled by their irresistible urges to run the college? When you tell the finance committee meeting that “you’ll be right back.” Do you want them speculating on why?

Or perhaps the poor discretion of voyeurism. The excitement of not getting caught! Buffered by the realization that now you have been, and the game is now over. It is now wise to retire at this point and refrain from ever playing again, if you know what’s good for you.

Tell me oh spirits, what is the connection between Republican politicians and sexual peccadilloes? Hiring teen prostitutes and raping little boys. If you want to find a Gay man in the Republican Party, find the Republican most anti-gay and self-loathing.  Alphabetically speaking, you could start with the letter South Carolina.

Somehow an unbalanced sexual life leads to unbalanced repression in other areas. “I won’t be bad anymore; I won’t touch myself again mother. Don’t cry,  I won’t ever do it again. I’ll be good, I promise mother.” We should cut off their food stamps and do away section eight housing! It’s always that angry guy. That odd peculiar looking fellow that looks like he enjoys taxidermy in his free time and has a runaway teenager locked up in his basement.

Here in Arizona, we have candidate Blake Masters, not to be confused with Brake Masters. (Blake can’t fix your car) If they showed you his picture on the TV and said he was an escaped convict or lunatic, you’d get up and call the kids inside and lock the door. He fits the profile to a tee.

Everybody is an idiot, but him. Our generals are all idiots too, every last one of them. Blake never served in the military, but any fool (Present company accepted) can see the world according to Blake is all wrong. He wants to ban all abortions and put the doctors in jail. Then he wants to give a tax cut to billionaires, because they deserve it, you don’t. Then he wants to do away with Medicare and Social Security. And maybe even succeed from the union!

It shutters the mind to think of all of those dark sexual possibilities on the other end of such ugly rhetoric. “Now, I’ve told you kids to stay out of Mommy and Daddies special room. No, you can’t wear the masks on Halloween. And no, those whips don’t mean we’re buying horse. No! That cage doesn’t mean were getting a dog.”

“Somebody once said it’s what you don’t see you’re interested in, and this is true.”
― Groucho Marx

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