Deep-Sea Moron Fishing

By David Glenn Cox

The TV battle is horrendous, Mark Kelly is either the anti-Christ or the second coming. People overdosing in the streets as masses of violent migrants storm our defenses and ruin our public schools. And according to the commercial, it’s all Mark Kelly’s fault.

The sad irony being that it’s not unlike Alabama, unless you burn down the building you couldn’t do much to hurt the public schools at this point. What are you going to do, take the penny out of the fuse box and leave them all in the dark?

Maybe steal the class book? But those Republicans sure are worried about the public schools. Everybody is out ruining the public schools, but them. Now, just because Republicans refuse to ever fund, public schools adequately doesn’t mean that they don’t still love them.  They especially love them during an election year. Here in AZ. when the money runs short, they just cut the schools to half a day. Sure, that works! With the Evelene Wood speed learning program, you can learn twice as much in half the time!

See you tomorrow kids! When we’ll learn the other half of the alphabet! The class pet is a spider (Charlotte) in the corner under the sink. The class field trip was to watch the men blacktop the street in front of the school. The Republicans love education except the more of it you get, the less likely you are to vote Republican. So, Republicans are really working at cross purposes by funding education.

So, they attack the thing they don’t support in the first place, because they care about the children. The Republicans want the children educated but kept uninformed. Don’t teach them anything about anything. And for God’s sake, don’t teach them anything controversial. Washington cut down a cherry tree and Lincoln freed the slaves,  that’s good enough. If you buy a sandwich in Kansas City and drive east at fifty miles per hour, how many miles until the bread gets stale?

I heard a millennial who didn’t know the difference between WW2 and  the Korean War. She thought the North Koreans were on the side of the Nazis, and South Koreans were on our side. Then they asked her for her religious denomination, but she didn’t know. She knew the name of her church she attended, but had no idea if she was a Catholic or a Protestant, a Jew, or a Muslim.

Then you must celebrate the festival of Cadinkadunk! “I dunno, we were reformed, and we didn’t celebrate that holiday!” That man standing at the end of the hall in those funny clothes. What did you call him, to get his attention? Was it, Reverend or Father, Rabbi, or Imam? Isn’t their even a tiny, little spec of natural intellectual curiosity in there? Wanting to know what they call that religious practice you’re performing. “Church!”

Here in AZ. the Republicans are beating the electorate half to death with the fear stick. Heavy on the fear and light on the candidate. Blake Masters is even resorting to ads without his image in them, trying to improve his image. You’ll like him better if you don’t have to look at him. Kari Lake is earning a reputation on the campaign trail as a snarling bitter candidate, without a kind word to say to anybody. If you like her now, just wait until she’s in power. (Mom of Mom’s Friendly Old Fashioned Robot Oil)

What do they offer the electorate? Nothing. Promises, they’ll keep taxes low by having an embarrassingly poor school system. Keep taxes low by not keeping up with the times. See, there is free lunch after all. You can have good schools and good roads and keep the taxes low. You believe that right? The real problem is dirty books and people using the wrong restroom! And people not going that place enough. You know, that place you go to once a week. That what cha call it church.

I can tell Lake is gonna be good governor, just by her smart-ass remarks. That’s what good government needs you know. More rancor and name calling. Her plan if elected is none of your business. Why do you ask? Her agenda is to fight liberals and liberals and liberals. To keep taxes low and schools pathetic!  There isn’t one school district in the United States that’s teaching Critical Race Theory. But Republicans are running hard against the schools teaching Critical Race Theory.

Why not, “Elect me! I’m close friends with Santa Claus! Every vote for me means more gifts for you this December!” A state candidate here for the local legislature is promising to fix high gas prices…all by himself! And if elected, I’ll end erectile dysfunction forever! I’ll do away with hot flashes ladies. Ice cream will taste sweeter and won’t be as fattening and athletes’ foot won’t itch so much.  I’ll extend the gas milage of your cars with my secret five-point plan!

The Arizona Republicans don’t want to talk about their plans. Elect them and you’ll find out! You know if you elect them, the migrants will just stop coming across the border and the drug problem will just go away all by itself. “How?” It just will, okay?

The Republicans are deep-sea moron fishing, with cheap bait.  

Never mind the social and economic and environmental pressures pushing the migrants to come here. Don’t think about it; it will only make your head hurt. Ignore the external geopolitical pressures. (Geopolitical? Is that like National Geographic?) The President sets the price of gas, everybody knows that! Mark Kelly invented Fentanyl and Joe Biden has hired 50,000 IRS agents coming to your house to get your guns!

You have forgotten that a Republican Supreme Court for the first time ever in American history, has taken away rights from one class of citizens? You’ve forgotten that right? That a Republican US Senator from Wisconsin is certain your children are choosing to defecate in a cat box in school, as a lifestyle choice. You believe that, right? You believe that children really do that? I guess my schools were just extra strict, we couldn’t even use a cartridge pen, until the fourth grade.

Maybe you’ve forgotten January 6th? Maybe you’ve forgotten Donald Trump and his criminal sedition? But, but, but they’re coming to get your guns and coming to groom your children! They want to groom our children to become liberals…by educating them! By exposing them to dangerous writers and philosophers, who will only fill their heads with a bunch of high-minded humanist claptrap about human kindness, fairness and sharing!

The Republicans prefer the Bible, cause God approves of those who approve of him first. Besides the Bible can be interpreted to mean whatever they want it to mean. The divine unquestioned word of God wide open to mortal interpretations. “Why sure, I’m a scoundrel and scallywag robbing you poor dumb suckers blind, but I sure do love me some of that old rugged cross. What a friend we have in Jesus!”

If you’re a slave, be a good one! Because God admires ambition. You know, Jesus said, the poor will always be with us. So why bother trying huh? Jesus is telling you in so many words, just hang it up, you can’t fix it. The Conservative Jesus, “you lepers should really pull yourselves up by your own bootstraps! Oh, sorry, I didn’t notice. Here let me fix that for you. There, now you are clean. Go forth and get a job you lazy SOBs and bother the wealthy no more.”

Deep-sea moron fishing, with cheap bait.

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