By David Glenn Cox

Okay, I hope I don’t get into  trouble for this. Carroll Shelby liked to throw bolts and lug nuts into his opponent’s pits. To make them worry about where they might have come from. Maybe, it fell off the car? Yeah, maybe?

Several years ago, while in a bored intoxication. I pondered on a grocery store headline I had earlier seen in the day. You know which one’s I’m talking about, “Boy Eats Family Car!” or “Noah’s Arc FOUND!” It occurred to me that these hacks were probably making a damn fine living serving up this crap.

While I suffer in silence, just trying to keep my head above water. These Bozo’s are smoking joints in front of a word processor, laughing themselves silly and shopping for a Mercedes. And then the thought occurred to me…talk is cheap.  

If it’s so easy…then you do it!

I pondered on the question for several minutes. Hoping the thought would go away, I’ve sworn to use my powers only for good! I felt temped in a way that makes me feel almost giddy. Oh, this could be fun. Like sneaking out dad’s corvette and whiskey. Evil fun, and most certainly addictive. Sure, Darth Vader wasn’t really a bad guy.

The scenario was simple enough, Ronald Reagan had been thrown from his horse in 1968 and had broken his neck. He had lived in a vegetative state under the name Ronald Wilson in an extended care facility outside Palm Springs. His stunt man from some of his old westerns was called in because of his uncanny resemblance to Mr. Reagan. He had been groomed by General Electric as a sort of plan B. Should the actual Mr. Reagan become irascible or difficult to deal with.

Throw in a few names and dates. And somebody said and somebody saw! A source who refuses to come forward and corroborate my story of sheer and utter bullshit, out of a fear for their safety! The walls have ears you know! They could be anybody, even you! You could be spying on yourself and wouldn’t even know it! The CIA have these, these, these little things that they can put on you!

I published the story just as I’m telling you, this is nonsense. And yet, some still wanted to believe. If the stories good enough and captivating enough, they want to believe it. Now Carroll Shelby was appealing to a natural sense of foreboding, after finding loose auto parts on the ground that shouldn’t be there.

So, what if? Not that I’m saying there is mind you, only what if? Now, I’m saying that, because I’m not saying that there is and I’m not saying that there isn’t. Why if such a thing were to actually exist, it would groundbreaking an earth-shaking, the price of tin foil hats would skyrocket!

Mike Lindell would literally wet his pants and his testes would explode, if he found out. Why it  would make Rudy Giuliani put his bottle down, but it’s a secret, so don’t tell them.! Don’t tell anyone especially Republicans, cause it’s a secret that can’t be allowed to get out to the general public.

They say they have this machine see. Financed with money from the Clinton Foundation. Diabolical in its invention and brilliant in its design. Now, with the simple touch of a glass screen, your DNA can be collected from the oil in your skin! Collected and secretly sold to Space Aliens or to the Red Chinese for genetic experiments!

You think that nice lady at the polling station is just whiping off that touch screen for your convenience and protection from germs, don’t you? But oh, little naïve one, they are setting a trap for you.

This DNA machine can be configured into any shape at all, even into a voting machine. And they could designate a single button on that screen, any button at all. To be the button to collect your DNA. Say perhaps, a button to vote for a Republican candidate for President, for example. Then they’ll have your DNA forever! Your cloned grand children will live in outer space or assemble I-phones in a sweat shop outside of Beijing!

The machine was developed by that noted scientist Hugo Chavez with the help from the FBI and the CIA, B.B. King, and Doris Day. Once they have your DNA friend, they own you. Sure, why do you think the Democrats are always so anxious to get people to vote? They want to steal Republican DNA and breed a race of racist alien supermen with backwards ideals and sexual ineptness.

Now, I’m not saying that there is such a machine friends, and I’m not saying that there isn’t. I don’t know and can’t tell for sure. But I do know that George Soros sure does have a lot of money, and he could have built just such a machine and not told anyone about it. If rumors of such thing ever got out that would be just terrible. Some people who struggle with discerning reality from fantasy anyway and live with the fear somebodies always out to get them, might get the wrong idea.

So, don’t tell them about it! And don’t spread this rumor that the touchscreen voting machines will capture their DNA if they vote Republican. It is not true! Just tell them it’s a made-up story and drop lots of names like Hillary, Hugo, or Hunter as you tell it.

Because see, if you tell them, it’s not true. Then they’ll assume that you’re lying. The more you deny it, the deeper the barb goes in! Protest and grab them by the shoulders. Then look them deeply in the eyes and finally, sadly admit, Donald Trump knows all about this. That’ll sink the hook in for sure!

But they’re you’re grandchildren if you want them living in outer space with big eyes that’s your business. Go right ahead and touch that touch screen. Did you hear that bell? That means they got your DNA successfully in Beijing. And now Apple Corporation holds legal title to your DNA.

They could change your sex you know or your race if they wanted to, and you couldn’t legally stop them. Just by touching that touch screen and voting Republican. They could go to court and prove that you aren’t really YOU! Then you’d have to pay them a monthly subscription fee or you’d have to change your name! But it’s up to you friend.

If you tell them, it’s true, they will assume that you’re a Communist infiltrator doing your damn best to try and  throw them off the track. If you tell them that it’s false, they’ll know you’re a liar! So don’t tell them about it at all.

Don’t tell them about the secret plot to steal Republican DNA. But if you do, tell them it’s a secret. And tell them it’s not true. Besides, they aren’t supposed to know about the secret anyway! And don’t forget to mention George Soros or Hillary all you can.

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
― Groucho Marx

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