Why Can’t Johnny Republican?

By David Glenn Cox

Well, everybody seems to be satisfied, except for me. I expected more, I expected voter retribution on vast and grand scale. Desk drawers emptied out on the floor (ala, Full Metal Jacket) locksmiths changing the door locks on the former Republican Congressional offices. As the staffers grabbed for their personal effects and purses and headed out into dark and unsure futures.

Then I saw the stats, and historically at least. The Democrats could have been slaughtered. It could have been really, really ugly. But historically, these are the best midterm results since Jackie wore her pill box hat. The best mid-terms results in half a century. But I expected more, it frightens me these crazy things this Republican crowd say and do. I guess it frightens a lot of other people too.

Best mid-terms result since John Glen wore his silver space suit and the Beatles were still playing the Cavern Club as unknowns. Best mid-term election results, since I entered the second grade. Come on Baby! Let’s do the twist! Yeah baby, let’s do the twist! But I hear there’s some new guy on the scene, Bob Dylan. They say he’s pretty good. But still, I wanted more.

But a funny happened on the way to the Social Security office. Seems these Californians, after a life soaking up the sun and living off the fat of the land. Take their largesse and their Librul opinions and retire in formally Republican states. When I lived in Denver, they called it, Calarado. Here in the AZ being right next door the trend is noticed less. But will now be noticed a lot more.

Now, that the new Governor is a Democrat. My Senator will stay a Democrat. My new Representative is a Democrat. Secretary of State Attorney General both races close but trending, you guessed it, Democratic. John McCain’s Red Arizona desert empire is the new Blue inland sea.

Now what could it be, that these Democratic candidates are so offering, that inspires the average rugged individualist gun owning Arizonans to come out and vote for them? My answer might seem a little simplistic at first. But the Republicans running for office were, what’s the right word here? Crazy, yeah that’s it. Crazy!

Kari Lake was a former news anchor and reporter and it showed. She called reporters monsters, and I trust her at her word. You could tell when she was on and when she was off. When she was on, she had that six o’clock (Good evening, ladies, and Gentlemen) smile and when she was off, she had the expression of someone who’d just stepped in dog shit. I told you, not to put any more fucking olives in my martini, damn it!

A Trumper and election denier, she questioned the legitimacy of the election, until she was leading in the polls. At which time, Lake shut up about it. Now, you’re probably thinking, I made this up. But now, that Lake is losing again in the real official election poll, guess what?

That’s right, a conservative group is alleging foul play. They claim, Maricopa County officials intentionally showed early polling numbers where Lake was being thumped badly. Just to embarrass her before her appearance on the Tucker Carlson show.

That’s right, and they did it on purpose too! They intentionally gave out accurate polling numbers at the time to the press. And it was a shitty thing to do too! Telling the truth about the polling numbers just to embarrass a candidate, how shameful. Apparently, the Maricopa County Supervisors weren’t paying attention to the candidate’s media schedule. Just going right out and giving the press accurate polling data on purpose, just to embarrass her.

Obviously, millions of Arizonians were tuned to Tucker Carlson and toggling back and forth, between the election results. Oh the embarrassment, to appear on the Tucker Carlson program, while losing the election in the early vote count. That’s a political dirty trick if I ever saw one. To politically embarrass a candidate, and after the polls have already closed too.

I can’t speak for the rest of the country. But the Republican Campaign media operation here in the Zona was Racist, Raw and Reactionary. One commercial showed a typical American mom and apple pie home, the type that few could afford these days.

The type of house grandpa once owned, while working nights as a cap driver. But they showed a young (white) child waving a small America flag. Then contrasted that with hordes of brown people rioting like the World Cup finals.  (The Great Replacement theory lives!)

The voice over says, “YOU WORKED HARD!” implying that no one else did. Everybody else had it easy. Everybody else, just had it handed to them on a silver platter. But not YOU! “YOU WORKED HARD for YOUR slice of the American pie. But now, THEY want to come and take it all away from YOU! YOU! Who worked so hard, while everyone else was just screwing around and now.

They want to just come and take it all away from you! They want to come and screw up your underfunded schools and screw up your overpriced hospitals and screw up your racially non-diverse neighborhoods too, just by being brown!

The surprising race is Blake Master for Senate. I preface this by saying, I too also have a face made for radio. But photogenic is the results of three dimensions being squashed down into two dimensions. For some people, that works out. But for Blake and me, not so much. But poor Blake’s photo could be attached to any crime scene, and you’d believe it. Eight bodies found buried in shallow graves in a remote location. “Halloween 17 with Blake Masters as Jason!”  

They want to take away your GUNS! And only I can stop them! Say, Let’s do away Social Security! Okay?  (in a state full of retirees)

It is my committed opinion, that if the winner of the $2 billion dollar lottery. Had they decided to throw the whole kit and kaboodle in the Blake Master’s treasury, they’d be broke by now. Of all the reasons that Blake Masters lost, a lack of money wasn’t the reason. Around the clock multiple and changing TV ads. Until they finally learned to stop putting Blake in commercials. Because he was frightening the small children and making the dogs howl. The same ugly prejudice that once ended the Elephant man’s once promising political career.

I’m still not happy with the results, and I still think that they are all wrong about the mid-terms. I still think, we should have done much better. The Democrats did not have the best mid-term election results, since little John, John Kennedy showed his daddy his Halloween costume in the oval office!

 The Republicans had the WORST mid-term election results since Richard Nixon kept the puppy. Trisha loves the dog and we’re keeping it. (And the money from Bebe Rebozo too, but you don’t know about that yet.)

Gee fellas, that’s two elections in a row, where Republicans have badly underperformed. John Kennedy was extremely popular in 1962, while Joe Biden is not popular at all. What’s that tell you? What’s going on here? I wonder what the Republican Party’s troubles could be?

Until they wake up and cleanse the Trump poison from their veins the downward spiral will only continue. Politicians like Margie Greene and Loren Boebert might suck in a great deal of cash with their mouths and angertainment, but it’s costing the Republicans elections nationwide.

2024 – And Trump is running again? I can hardly wait!

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