Tales of Brave Ulysses

By David Glenn Cox

It’s astounding and stupendous, like finding new tools in your Swiss Army knife with even more features than you ever dreamt about. Brace yourself and take care to hide your dismay in front of the children. Donald Trump told a lie. I know, nothing astounding or stupendous about that.

But friends, what a lie! Marvel and DC Comics should get into a bidding war trying to hire this guy. This lie my friends; this lie was amazing and probably the culmination dream lie of any successful liar’s career.

When the little one’s come and climb up on his knee asking, “What did you do in the war Grandpa?” He can tell them, “I invented the modern lie, I invented lying in the modern age. Why back in the old days, they might fudge around the edges a little. But after I hit town child, lying became big business, an industry all its own.”

And in no time flat, everybody was doing it…like cocaine. Boy, it works great!

Always there is the OG. And the OG stays the OG. The others just come and go as minor characters barely noticed crossing the stage. But then, just when you think the OG is washed up and has nothing new to show us. He spins a new lie, so petty and so obviously self-serving as to be suitable for a NASCAR squabble or Professional Wrestling spat. New plot lines for the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

So here goes, (Imagine the thumping theme music and slick cinematography) As in, Thy cold winds blow in from the ancient craggy mountains of the old times. Then he came to us.  To fulfill that old prophecy that someone had made up a long time ago! Some said, he came from another world, and some said that he was a god. You just never could get straight answer out of him. The boy was such a liar that he had to get the neighbors to call his dog.

And as the child grew, the lies grew as well. Until finally, folks would come from miles around, just to hear that boy tell lies. Just so they could say they’ve seen the best. I saw Jimi and now I’ve seen Donald, the OG. He can lie behind his back and lie through his teeth. If you’ve never seen this guy, lie. Then you don’t even know what real lying is.

So, as we know, Donny Trump doesn’t like little Ronnie DeSantis. It isn’t that Donny doesn’t think Ronnie’s really a great guy personally, he doesn’t. But Donny doesn’t like anyone ever standing in front of HIS spotlight. You never upstage the star son. “I’ll fix you! And your little dog too!” So, he dashes into a luxury phone booth and emerges as Liarman! Faithful protector of the accurately accused.

“It all began in the fall of 2018. Back when I was still the President as my Part-time job, while still running my empire and driving all the young girls wild. I get a phone call from this hayseed in a rumpled shirt with his fly open down in Florida.

“Oh, please excuse me for bothering you, Mr. Trump sir. I know it’s wrong of me as a nobody to bother someone important like yourself. But see, I’m running for Governor, and I know that’s nothing big to an important person like you. But gosh darn it, I just don’t think I could possibly win this election without your help.”

And even while I was running the country (excellently, I might add.) and my empire. I still had time to teach this poor boy to change his shirt and stand up straight. Knock the crust off from around his mouth. Maybe get him some of those shoes to make him look a little taller?

But with the wave of my mighty (small) hand, Ronnie was elected in a landslide, but only because of me of course. But God’s blessing also came with the devil’s curse. Beware the Quickening Highlander for in four years hence, I shall come to take your head.

So here is Trump’s pitch to the Angels. Dark Angels, but still Angels.

In 2018, Super Trump aka Liarman, discovered through his extra sensitive telepathy. That the election in Florida was being stolen by the Democrats. Quick, someone turn on the Liarman signal!

Faster than a man drinking water with two hands. He reaches into his utility belt takes out his phone. He calls the crack airborne division of the Justice Department. (It’s only an expression. They’ve been drug tested) In less than twelve hours, Lawyer Team 6 is assembled and ready to be airdropped into Florida.

“BIFF! BANG! POW! FABRICATION! Take that, you dirty lying cheating and stealing Democrats! I know what you are up too. And I demand that you remove every crooked vote you’ve put in there right now, cause Ronnie is my friend. And he’s a little guy and I fight for little guys, even if they are that little.

And so it came to pass, Liarman saved the day for little Ronnie DeSantis. According to Liarman, the Democrats were adding tens of thousands of illegal votes…every day! There wasn’t a snowball’s chance in well, Florida (Hell, same, same) that little, tiny Ronnie stood a chance.

But then Liarman came, busting heads and overturning tables, cutting car tires, and stiffing waitresses. HE made everything right again! All by himself! Then Ronnie won the election in 2018 fair and square, but only because Donald Trump let him win. And was Ronnie grateful? And was Ronnie contrite? Did Ronnie forget about, the Quickening?

First, throw out the sick psychotic nature of it all and then you can begin to see it in its childish brilliance. Together, It welds perfectly the false narrative of crooked elections with “You wouldn’t even BE the governor, if it wasn’t for me!”

“I made you Governor, not those stinking little the people of Florida. I did it! It was ME all along, secretly fighting crime. All those times they said I was on the Golf Course? All secret missions. My double got pretty good at playing golf, and I got pretty good at secretly fighting crime.”

The truth was that there were complaints about three precincts in the 2018 election in the Cockroach State. The complaints were referred to the Justice Department. The Justice Department investigated the complaints found nothing and closed the investigation without comment.

Donald Trump had never ever uttered a single word about this crime busting episode, before last week. Obviously, due to its clandestine nature and his busy crime busting schedule. And we all know how modest he is.

I just had to shake my head and smile. I certainly didn’t expect that out of the old boy. Just when you think he’s finished and washed up, he comes up with a new lie for the ages. You just have to stand up and applaud; that’s a real good one Don. God Dammit Don, I’ll give you props for that one!

Of all the Trumpy lies in all the Trumpy countries, in all the Trumpy worlds that one was by far the Trumpiest. I salute you sir. You’ve outdone yourself. Homer should tell of such tall tales.

Also in the News: Sarah Palin blames a real shitty Republican Party for her election defeat. Candidate Palin claims It was all their fault; they didn’t do enough. And advises consumers, you shouldn’t vote for any more Republicans ever again! Because they didn’t help me enough and I lost. It couldn’t be MY fault as a candidate! Me? What negatives do I have? Baggage! What baggage? Somebody in the Party needs to be fired over this!

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