The Tonya Harding Method

By David Glenn Cox

“Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.” – Mark Twain

Maybe you were here yesterday when I was telling the folks about Trump’s latest stunt. If not, I was telling the folks about Trump’s latest stunt and about the beauty of his latest lie. This is like the Microwave oven of modern lies compared to the old Franklin stove of lies.

Through Donald Trump’s super “Spidy” senses. He learned the Democrats were trying to steal the Florida election from poor hapless helpless, kind of dumpy and none too bright, Ron DeSantis.

Mighty Mouse sings: “HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!”

Faster than speeding bullshit, more powerful than a choking smoker. Yellow Aesop was telling this fable about personally intervening in the Cockroach Capitol election for King and head Varlet in 2018. I told you! You heard it here first; this is the beautiful lie. That ball is out onto Waveland Ave. (Hey, Hey!) The Towering Inferno of lies.

But as an aside, remember that Condo building that collapsed down in Florida, and killed all those people in their sleep? They asked Ron as governor, and all. If he thought that maybe there should be a sort of general building inspection? You know, since selling condos to old people is a stock and trade big business in Florida. Besides that, it costs a lot of  money.

 Ronnie, he said that everything would be fine, and they shouldn’t draw any attention to it. Well, guess what? They just evacuated another Condo building, just 1.3 miles down the same street from the one that collapsed.

Imagine, there you are sitting in your luxury Florida condo, watching your big screen TV. Sipping hot coco and watching game shows. When a man knocks on your door and says, “Come with me, if you want to live!” But instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’s a man in a hard hat with a clipboard. “It seems your building could disintegrate in to dust at any moment. We’ll be lucky to make it out alive now ourselves!”

As they say down South, “Grab your shit and git Junior! Now, like five minutes ago son!” The six-figure homeless.

Events like this could put a damper on Condo sales, as retirees are prone to read! They have time on their hands to read about other nice places to retire. Places without hurricanes and Dinosaur roaches. A sort of Middle Earth with the heat left on. “Oh look! The jellyfish are here!”

 It’s those sorts of little intangible things which can eliminate the need of a coin toss. There is a reasonable mathematical chance that my half million-dollar investment of my life savings. Probably won’t collapse around my ears as I sleep and fall into a heap of rubble. Given what we know now with estimates and projections and such. But no one would ever sign their name to any piece of paper as a guarantee, without an inspection.  

Sure, the other building which collapsed was about the same age. And made of the same materials. And built on the same soils, subject to the same stresses and extremes a Florida climate takes on an old building. But, I’m sure it will be fine. Ron thought so. And now, they’ve evacuated another condo building just down the street. (What are the chances? Huh?)

Thank god the law stepped in when they did. And I’m sure that all those hundreds of other buildings. Those condo buildings built about the same time and built with the same materials in the same soils, are all just fine. “Whadda mean, you can’t sleep Grandma? Look at that view! And smell that salt air!”

So, Trump claims he acted with cat like reflexes. And he personally intervened in the Florida election, but only to set things right of course. Remember, I told you a Trump candidacy was going to destroy the Republican Party, like crack addict in the family. You heard it here first.

 Seems Ron DeSantis’s 2018 opponent in the election would now like to have a discussion, about Mr. Trump’s recent election revelations. And he wants to have this discussion in front of a judge, with lawyers and transcripts and such present. “Thanks Don! Thanks for that beautiful, beautiful lie.”

Tonya Harding, eat your heart out! “December 7th, 1941, a date which will live in infamy!” There is now a question of Ron DeSantis’s elected legitimacy. And if I gave you all day to practice and an hour to draw a crowd, you couldn’t tell a lie half that good on your best day.

Trump is attempting to hobble the competition thru innuendo, and court briefs and it didn’t cost Trump a single dime to do it. The bank robber is having the bank manager arrested.

We are only in the early innings friends, and already the wicked witch is throwing fireballs at the scarecrow. And he’s just getting warmed up, wait until he announces! I told you; you heard it here first. He’s still got the velocity, but he no longer has the control.

Trump, meet loose cannon. Loose cannon, look out! Trump’s plan is not to win the nomination through acclimation, but through elimination and intimidation. The Tonya Harding Method. Try doing your job with Trump looking over your shoulder for the next two years and ready to throw lightning bolts of insanity at a moment’s notice.  

Trump’s appeal is slipping as the recent elections have shown. Some Republicans are beginning to show signs of resistance and early signs of spinal development. He’s acting fast and playing loose, no more Mister Nice Guy. “Yeah, that’s right. You heard me. I said I interfered in his election.  You didn’t think that little dumb ass could get elected on his own, did you?”

And as the sun sinks slowly into the Arizona western horizon. Republican Gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake awaits. Certain of eventual victory out in the pumpkin patch. On election night, she was certain of victory. As she fell behind, she was certain once the rural vote came in. A day later, she was certain the remaining votes were her posse. As her opponents lead grew, she remained confident and steadfast. Knowing, full well enough, the mail in ballots, now being counted were never really her friends.

 Now, her opponents lead has grown to 34,000 votes as the pile of uncounted votes begins to shrink.  Kari Lake says to the public, You know what? This is some kind of shitty country we have here! When they can’t even count the votes in a single day! Shitty! Just plain Shitty! What in the hell is wrong, with all you stupid people!

Mr. Burns: Men, there’s a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you.
Milhouse: (to his mom and dad) I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he’s coming back.

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