By David Glenn Cox
Damn it! I wanted to write about Kari Lake. Now, I have to give that up for a dull old piece on Mike Pence. A Kari Lake piece would be fun like big chocolate milkshake on a hot Summer day. Pence would be like cold bag of boiled peanuts with a flat Pepsi cola.
Groucho Marx and his brothers made a damn fine living insulting the haughty. It’s fun and anyone can do it! You can do it at home, and it is even approved recreation for shut ins! Why with a little practice, Kari Lake could even be this generation’s Margaret Dumont.
“Remember, you’re fighting for this woman’s honor! Which is a lot more than she ever did!”
Who doesn’t love a candidate who insults the voters and insults the press? When a reporter asks her a question, she snaps, “You must be new around here! I’ve already answered that question.” (Maggot!) Pompous and full of puffery. Just you wait, until I’m in charge around here!
Then for a coup de gras, icing on the cake. She storms off the public stage in defeat, doing her best Eric Cartman. “Screw you guys, I’m going home!” I didn’t want to be governor of your dumb rinky dink old state anyway! A cryptic Tweet that comes off like her campaign, “Arizonans know BS when they see it.”
“Time wounds all heels.” – Groucho Marx
Okay, Mike Pence. Mike Pence will go down in all the history books as Mike Pence, which should be a penalty enough. The stereotypical tragic, deer in the headlights figure, Republican Vice President. This was once Richard Nixon’s office and Spiro T. Agnew and Nelson Rockefeller too. And “The” Dan Quayle. Some mighty big shoes to fill boy, mighty big, so look sharp!
But Mr. Owl, how many hits of acid does it take to wake up as Vice President on the first day of the Trump Administration? To be second in command on the Starship Enterprise crewed entirely by insane chimpanzees on Meth with Scottish accents. Pence was treated as an out of the loop office boy and given thankless tasks. Do you know which Starbucks, I mean? (not really)
He was picked because he looked the part. Trump is tall. Nearly six foot crazy and a half. So, if you are not tall, like say a Ron DeSantis. It would make for a funny picture. Pence was squeaky clean, a Mousecateer from Indiana who likes to talk about “Mother.” You know who else talks about “Mother” a lot, don’t you? Liberace and Norman Bates! Pence was the perfect stoo, er ah running mate. We can ditch him after the election.
Even before the pandemic and the Trump shenanigans, there was talk going round about ditching Mike for someone more “exciting” and more able and criminally minded.
That must have hurt. Doing a make work job three or four days a week and then they tell you, you’re no damn good at it. You had one real constitutional duty on January 6th that should have taken you about an hour. But there is no need to elaborate any further about that now but to say, “Well Done, Charlie Brown!”
“Of all the Charlie Brown’s in the world. You’re the Charlie Browniest!”- Lucy Van Pelt
Pence was given the point man role in the Administration’s Covid-19 Response. Considered at the time a dull and thankless task. I don’t want to do it, give it to Mike. But as soon as the virus took off in numbers and public enthusiasm. As soon the press conferences started rivaling “America’s got Talent’s” Neilson’s numbers. Pence was quickly pushed to the back of the stage and replaced by the orange buffoon and Robin, the Pillow Guy. Eventually, Pence was left tied off in the barn and not allowed out during the daytime much like Boo Radley.
He only took the job as a Resume builder. Served as Vice-President (2016 -2020) and achieved many record company goals and accolades. You see, gosh darn it. He took that any boy can be President nonsense stuff to heart! And it was his secret dream after serving eight years and hiding behind the couch. That he, maybe he could be President too. And “Mother” could be First “Mother.”
But that’s not gonna happen now! Trump had been browbeating Pence for weeks after the election loss about (doing the right thing on January 6th.) Wink, wink, Bob’s your Uncle. And Pence had gone so far as to say “no.” But never at any time had he threated to go public with what he knew was criminally going on inside the Administration.
“Look Dick! You call me about this crap one more time, and my next call is to CNN! Are we clear here? YOU GOT ME? Need I spell this out for you? Anderson Cooper!”
Big news, Vice President leaves office and steps down! Says; “Ask Trump Why!”
But he didn’t do that. He kept his mouth shut. You never know, they might get away with it. All I have to do is make through January 6th, and I’ll be fine. One can only image his emotional state arriving for work that day. Like working at Walmart on Black Friday and YOU are on sale. “There’s an irate mob outside Mike. Says they want to tear you limb from limb. Oh, and you got a message from Trump it says, “Ha, ha, ha.”
Pence even brought Mother with him to Capitol on January 6th. He’d seen “The Godfather” six times and figured that they would never kill him in front of his family.
But his defining moment came on January 6th while in the maelstrom of Republican electoral enthusiasm and wholesale murder. The Secret Service told Mike Pence and Mother to get in the Limo for their own safety. And Mike knew then that they weren’t going to the airport. And there was no new job waiting for him in Las Vegas either or that they’d send his clothes along later.
Put yourself in Mike’s shoes and on that day. And you know what Mike Pence knows about what’s going on here and about who is behind it. When the Secret Service Agent says, “Get in the car.” Logic would dictate what with an angry mob erecting gallows outside and energetically calling for your blood. That the Pences would be ecstatic and wildly enthusiastic and quickly approve of the idea of getting the hell out of Dodge!
But then, Mike says, “Nope, we ain’t getting in that car.” That my friends, should tell you all you ever need to know about the Trump Administration. This man trusted his fate to the Capitol police against an angry and violent mob calling for his blood. More than he trusted the agents of Donald Trump. He’d seen the Godfather six times! If he got in that car, he was their prisoner. He could have woken up on Air force two halfway to Bolivia or not woken up at all.
So, Pence holds his tongue, until Trumpism begins to disintegrate until the signs fade and boards begin to fall off. Then when he is sure that it is safe, he comes forward in a public interview to tell all! “Show us where the bad man touched you, Mike. That monster, show us your scars Mike!”
Then before the shockwave can finish from the interview. Mike Pence tells the Jan 6th committee he won’t testify under oath because it is unseemly. No sir, he doesn’t want to talk about what went on under oath. He’s honest and upstanding good boy from Indiana. Dudley Do Right of the Mounties is willing to come forward and tell of all the high crimes and bad men on nationwide network TV. But just not under oath, where he can’t control the questions.