By David Glenn Cox
Welcome to the holiday season ready or not. Thanksgiving is the first day Walmart gets to check their parking lot for abandoned vehicles. But I dislike holiday shopping because I never know what to get anyone. But this year, the task will be easy enough. One size fits all. And it will be in your favorite color too. No batteries necessary, either!
Donald Trump is running for President again, maybe you heard? It makes me oh so very, very happy. I have a Trump Nativity calendar on my desk. Every day, I’m allowed to open one window on the calendar leading up to the Big Day! (Supreme Court hands over Trump tax returns!)
There is an order to these things, and you don’t get to open your big gift first. You start with the little ones, the socks and underwear. Herschel Walker has claimed a Homestead Tax exemption on his $3 million dollar home in Dallas, Texas, for more than a decade. Then registered to vote in Georgia in 2021 claiming his wife’s home as his primary residence. (The wonderful land of Dr. Oz?)
A lot of people have attacked Herschel Walker as an idiot and a moron. I choose to stand up and defend Herschel Walker. If a complete idiot and a moron as you say. Could you as a complete idiot manage to convince millions of ordinary Georgia voters to choose you? Despite your obvious shortcomings in intelligence and character.
Who is really the idiot here? Herschel Walker stands today in Georgia as a young Tom Edison or Nick Tesla, when compared to the ordinary folks down in Bedrock. They’re a page right out of history. Don’t order the ribs Fred!
Walker’s campaign was given an initial shove downhill in a shopping cart by Donald Trump. But this time around, they’re waving Trump off. He’s not welcomed this time. Though, I’m sure that Trump could find the time in his busy schedule to come on down and pay a visit! And maybe bring along his fiddle of gold against your soul.
Next, you’ll enjoy this gift like a box a candy. Like a Whitman sampler! You can take out a single piece at a time and savor the sweet, sweet flavor. Dark rich chocolate covered in nougat and caramel intermingled with only the finest nuts mixed with Sarah Palin’s tears and loud angry complaints. After losing Alaska’s only single, safe, Republican House seat to a Democrat for the first time in fifty years!
Palin claimed it was that darn confusing Ranked Choice voting that cost her the election. It’s just so hard to understand. If your first choice doesn’t win. Your second choice gets your vote. Which means, Sarah Palin was neither the first nor the second choice of Alaska voters! So, in a way she is correct. The Ranked Choice voting did cost her the election. But when you come in third in a two-candidate race?
That is the political equivalent of the state’s electorate saying, “ANYONE! But you, Sarah Palin!” I saw it in the store, and I immediately thought of you. I hope you like it. It’s a discontinued item. No more Sarah Palin to kick around anymore after this fiasco. As the Republican Party washes their hands of her and puts the lid back on the trash can. She belongs to the ages and Jack Daniels now. The new Country sensation of Done and Dunn! And their new smash “With her.”
Now, this also goes with it, but should still be considered a separate gift. Lisa Murkowski also won her race for the Senate. Husker du? Back when Trump was five stories tall and fired missiles from out of his hands and breathed fire out his nose. Back then, Trump swore vengeance against Murkowski. He would rise up out of the ocean and do battle for dominance with her on the streets of Tokyo town. Murkowski should “just go ahead back her bags,” he said. “She’s finished in this town,” he said.
But as a lagniappe, it was clean sweep. Nearly every candidate Trump endorsed lost. I liked mine so much, that I got one for everybody! Next, is a sort of a gag gift, so don’t expect too much. Mike Pence is making the media rounds. He wants to tell the world of his outrage about what that bad old Donald Trump did to him! Why if you have a camera, or a voice recorder or a podcast or anything, Mike can’t wait to tell you all about his ordeal and about what happened to him.
But be advised that if you bring along a Bible with you or a sworn oath. Mike will clam up and have nothing more to say to you. Because you see, as a former Vice President and unindicted co-conspirator, who blabs incessantly to basically anybody who might do him some good. Mike feels it would be unseemly, for a former Vice President to testify publicly, under oath like that. Just because he didn’t go through the Capitol heist, doesn’t mean Pence is innocent of the conspiracy.
Here’s the gag part; Pence is out talking and testing the waters for his own Presidential run. Let’s do a quick analysis, shall we? The Trumpers hate Pence because he’s a RINO. The Republicans hate him for being a Trumper and for not pulling the switch and executing democracy when he had the chance.
Benedict Arnold was made a British officer after his treason. But the British were never so foolish as to ever put Arnold in charge of anything important. For God’s sakes! The man was a traitor who had turned once on his own.
But here it is your big gift, Donald Trump.
Don’t look at me like that! It’s the thought that counts, remember? I know, you’re thinking, what the hell would you want with a Donald Trump? But this is the new one! Just watch! You wind him up put him in the center of the room and watch as he begins to fester and cause problems inside the Republican Party. Covid-24 The Trump plague.
Try as they might to get rid of him, there is no vaccine or cure available. Like poison ivy or poison oak there is now poison Donny.
Kari Lake’s election deniers picketed outside the courthouse in Phoenix. All twenty-five to fifty of them. They were vocal enough and extra flag waving, but still less than half the size of the crowd in 2020. They watched the polls, and they had camped out in the parking lots for days. And yet still claim they were cheated.
But that ain’t nothing friend. Just you wait until Donald Trump start’s running second or third in the Republican Presidential primary schedule. Just you wait! Boy of boy! He will rail and explode like a 4th of July spectacular!
The bearings will get red hot and seize as a connecting rod exits the side of the block. Trump will then go through the convention ripping and tearing it all apart, once he is no longer the chosen one. Ms. Congeniality will turn and explode and shout “Fuck you!” And start naming off all the judges she slept with and where the bodies are all buried.
Trump will then devour the Republican Party like Pac Man on a Power pill. Get ready, cause here it comes. Caution while drinking milk or hot beverages. Danger: Laughter Zone ahead! It’s the final melt down! It’s Trumpnobyl!
Then…they won’t have Donny to kick around anymore, but mainly because they won’t be around anymore to kick him. Two more years of the Trump isotope inside the body of Republican Party should be presumed to be a lethal radioactive dose of Trumpium 2020. It’s already beginning to make them all crazy. And that’s only the first sign!