Elon’s Records & Tapes

By David Glenn Cox

Everybody loves to see the big shot take a crème pie in the face or to otherwise be humbled. It’s the secret of slapstick comedy. The bossy overdressed rich s.o.b. takes one right in the kisser and the audience goes wild. They join hands in a circle and begin to sing like little children do, singing, “Elon’s a dumb ass! Elon’s a dumb ass!”

Yes, a pie to the face and a good swift kick in the ass for good measure to help get him started. Just seconds after her T*itter privileges were restored to her. Marge (the human fart) Greene posted a homophobic comment. She must have thought them up the night before and had someone write them all down for her. Then from the list she made her choice and was ready. She made the comment only because she could make it, and not because she needed to make it.

Like testing the guns on a mission to see if they still work. Longines’s time to Elon’s Embarrassment: a couple of minutes. “Duh, I didn’t think that would ever happen again! And after she promised me, too!”

 Either Elon has a had a stroke or developed a cocaine addiction that you would not believe. And is being treated by Michael Jackson’s former physician with only the finest pharmacology available from the labs and tabs of happy land. Or Elon really doesn’t care much, what you little people think of him. “Yeah, good for you! I’m glad you got the chance to see me today!”

“You’ll T*eet because I say so and like it too chump! Now get out there and type something pointless!”

There are billions and billions of reasons why Elon’s never wrong. “You watch, they’ll come around. They can’t stay away. They can’t help themselves! They are just little people after all. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!!! (Shades of Vincent Price!) And besides, they all need me! Why, without me, they’d have nothing! Their lives would be meaningless.”

“They need me to right the wrongs of others!” To live in the forest with Friar Trump and change my name to Elon Hood. “Don’t worry Conservatives; I’m coming! I’ll protect you! I’ll rescue you! ”

The man is betting $44 billion dollars that he can spit in your eye and convince you it’s raining. A good time to pause and reflect on mental healthcare in this country. This is that stereotypical movie scene where the billionaire has gone crazy or something and put his house cat in charge of a billion-dollar company. “Shhh, see her tail? She’s trying to tell us something when she does that with her tail!”

He can run naked on his tropical Island, commune with racists and Nazis and breathe the pure air from inside of his warm hyperbolic pure oxygen chamber. And you don’t care about it either! “I’m bored, let’s send another car to Mars to warn them of what’s coming, or I’ll buy something or something. What’s for sale, that looks interesting?”

So what! The company has never made any money before. It will! Once I take over! They just weren’t doing it right! The founders were complete morons!

2 + 2 = 4 “Not when I get through with it! You watch, I’ll make it Five! I’ll change the world. Wait till they get a load of me!” Gravity is for suckers! The laws of physics and the principles of good business sense don’t apply.

Most of us have endured a similar situation in our own work environment. Where the boss’s brother-in-law or some kid with a new sheepskin is brought in to “fix” the department. Then half of you are gone immediately, and the other half are destined to be made miserable and wish that you’d been included inside the first group.

 “Shut up! If you we’re doing it right in the first place, I wouldn’t even be here!” All hail the new King! All hail the end of the Kingdom! But they say that he’s a real smart fellow and knows stuff they don’t even teach much in schools. The King will lay off the police force and declare a general amnesty for all the prisons! But only on the condition of course, that the inmates all promise to behave themselves in future.

The problem being that “More” is never, ever good enough. Margie’s comment will be replaced by another even more offensive comment. That will be replaced in its turn by another and even more offensive comment. Testing the waters to see what they can get away with under the nose of that real smart guy. Who thinks he’s actually protecting somebody from something, while actually being used as a Dupe and a stooge.

So far in the bag and so isolated. (How’s the weather up there Elvis?) But he can only live in that oxygen chamber breathing that pure air for so long, before it gets to you. “Why not teach dogs to fly on vacuum cleaners! I know! We could crossbreed hummingbirds with cows and develop our own line of flying hamburgers! I can do anything you know.”

“Let’s see; we are losing money hand over fist now, at that everyday low, low, discounted price of nothing, plus tax. Let’s try raising the price and charging them money to waste their time! It will be bigger than the pay toilet someday!

 Sure, that will work! Don’t you think? Then, we can let all the banned user’s comeback. They’ll be good! We will at least have them as our audience. At least, until they realize that everyone else has left. They only make their offensive comments here to troll the audience anyway, and not because they really need to say anything.

To get free headlines and free publicity, riding on chump Elon’s back. Riding Elon’s name and riding on Elon’s dime too. To get a good laugh by making Elon look like a chump and fool.

Elon is gonna make you love T*itter again, you’ll see! You just won’t be able to help yourself once Elon takes a hand to it.

And now, exclusively  from Elon-Records and Tapes! Only the top forty of your favorite best classic Yoko Ono smash hits! Now, all on ONE Compact Disk! All your favorites are included, you’ll get; “EEEEEEEE, Oh, EEEEEE!” And who can ever forget that classic recording of, “OOOOOOO EEK, EEK, OOOOOO EEK OOOOOO?”

Including that favorite tender love ballad, “Erp, Erp, Erp!” And the extended live concert version of, “Oooh, EEE, a ha, ha.” Limited supplies are available, so order your copy today! Sorry: Limit one per customer.

Elon believes Ms. Ono is just an unappreciated artist, unfairly censored by the traditional media. Because her music stylings are on the fringe of mainstream musical opinion and unfairly censored because of it.

But Elon will break down that wall of liberal censorship. And once her music has been exposed to an unbiased airing of a fair-minded audience. Why then, you’ll all be out there on that dance floor. Just a moving and a grooving to all your favorite Yoko Ono classics, just like all the other kids. Once you put aside your own bigotry against her awful music.

Elon’s certain that if her CD’s don’t start jumping off the shelves selling soon, that he’ll be forced to raise the price… again.

“I’m going to my pure oxygen chamber now to smoke a doobie. Don’t let anyone disturb me. Why must you always be so negative about my ideas? Yes, I know that smoking is bad for me! But leave my oxygen chamber out of it!”

“What a Maroon,” – Bugs Bunny

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