Ask Me No Questions

By David Glenn Cox

Lauren (low rent) Boebert has gotten herself in a pickle with the Bible thumpers. She used a verse from the Bible to pray that Joe Biden’s days in office be few. The Bible thumpers she offended believe Jesus to be the Prince of Peace. They also mistakenly believe that Boebert has read the Bible or better still had it explained to her.

She might believe that on old man built a boat with hand tools because God told him too. That God commanded all the animals in the world to come climb aboard Noah’s all-inclusive cruise line. And this old man with no knowledge of marine building practices built a giant boat without a rudder or a sail. Because God forgot to tell Noah about those things.

The size of the boat though gigantic wasn’t gigantic enough to hold all the animals. It wouldn’t hold enough fresh water for the animals. It would require another Ark just to carry the food and water. There was no bilge pump on the Ark so Noah’s brethren would remain busy in a bucket brigade. The animals came two by two except insects don’t breed like that. Mosquitoes require standing water and there is no reference to any aquatic wing of the Ark. What did the mosquitoes eat while on the voyage.

Mark Twain called them God’s favorite creature, the house fly. Native to nearly every country on the earth. The Ark would have been overrun with flies, bees, mosquitoes, gnats, and it would be a sin to ever kill any one of them. The flies and mosquitoes carried disease which is another debt we owe to Noah and his amazing cruise line. Those insects carrying all those diseases yet there is only one avenue to release that disease and that would be on Noah’s crew.

The insects carried all the diseases for mankind lest they be wiped out by the flood. Malaria, Ringworm, Plague, sleeping sickness. Not to mention the crew would be driven insane by all the flies and the mosquitoes. It would be nearly impossible for a human crew to live overrun like that with all those flies. Unless you believe there were only two flies. One male fly and one female fly doing it in the missionary position. 

Life inside that floating menagerie would be akin to madness. The screeching and cawing of thousands of the animals with no escape from them for weeks on end. But why would God do that? Why pick on some old man and his family? “Psst, Hey Noah.” Yes God. “I’m going to wipe out humanity!” Everybody? “I’m gonna kill them all! Every last man, woman and child!” Why God? “They have displeased me! And instant genocide is the only Godly answer!”

But everyone God? Even the babies and small children? What have they done to so offend you now? “Don’t ask questions Noah.” But my neighbors and my bowling league God. What about my cousins and aunts and uncles God? What about my son’s wife’s families?  “I am the lord thy God and if I decide to commit a heinous act of genocide, it isn’t for you to question. Do you wanna build me that boat Noah or do you want to take swimming lessons?”

Remember now, God is pro-life. Now God went out one day looking for one good man. He found Lott and because Lott was so righteous and such good dude, and all. God saved him from another senseless act of genocide where God destroyed two communities because they displeased him. And for God’s one good man, a reward. God killed Lott’s wife for the heinous crime of looking back over her shoulder. She shouldn’t do that because it implies, she missed that wicked community and so deservedly earned a Godly golden death sentence.

God turned her into a pillar of salt and salt was valuable in Biblical times. No word on funeral arrangements. No word on future dating prospects for a man who claims that God murdered his wife.

Now why was it God destroyed humanity again? What had all the animals done to earn the death sentence save for two examples as well? Half a million elephants and God saves only two and sentences the rest die a horrible death by drowning. Millions of birds and insects and reptiles and mammals, all dead because humanity got God’s goat.

Remember now,  God’s knew you before you were born. He knows all about you and knows your every secret wish even before you do. But God had to ask Cain where Able was because he didn’t know. Or maybe, God was only testing Caine on the honor system. And Caine didn’t care that he could be dooming the entire human race to another godly genocide for lying.

Now God loved the humans he created and placed them in a garden without belly buttons because they weren’t born of a woman. But God warned the pair to stay away from the tree of knowledge. Adam and Eve had no knowledge of anything. No more conception of right and wrong more than a baby has. You can tell a baby not to suck its thumb, but a baby has no understanding of right and wrong. Would you punish a baby for disobeying you? God would!

Adam and Eve had no conception of right and wrong until after they ate the fruit. They got that knowledge after eating of the fruit. But God will punish them and all humanity forever after for the disobedience of babies. Babies that God knew before them before he made them. For humanity eternal punishment but for the snake…no punishment. God punishes the victims but not the instigator of the crime.

God created the world 8,000 years ago but was kind enough to fill the night sky with stars that took 50,000 years for their light to arrive on Earth. So, if you can’t see them, they aren’t here yet. God didn’t know the Earth revolved around the sun. He mistakenly thought it was the other way around. There were no penguins on the Ark because God forgot that there was a place called Antarctica. Penguins eat fresh fish where would Noah get those? God also didn’t know about North America or South America or Asia.

The Bible is full of answers provided you don’t ask any questions. Provided you don’t hold God to the same standards, you would hold any garden variety mass murderer too. We are created in God’s image, but God never knew we would turn out like this. God commands us to forgive our enemies 70 x 7 but if we piss God off even once just a little bit, just once, it could be curtains for everybody!

Boebert does no wrong; she’s only practicing the Bible as it was explained to her. God kills his enemies and anyone who displeases him. Millions of women, children, or dumb animals. God coerced an old man to build a boat and then wiped-out humanity. The Bible says God created all those animals in a single day. So why send them on a pointless boat ride for months and months? Why not just drown them all and just start over again one day real soon?

So, Boebert is correct. It is Biblically correct to wish death on your enemies. God would approve, murder and genocide is God’s way. The Prince of Peace? I  don’t think so. God sends his only begotten son to save humanity and humanity murders him. Surprise! Who would have ever guessed that outcome? We learned it from God! He is our noble example of a murderer and seeker of vengeance and man created God in his own image… the very image of a murderer!

“The so-called Christian nations are the most enlightened and progressive…but in spite of their religion, not because of it. The Church has opposed every innovation and discovery from the day of Galileo down to our own time, when the use of anesthetic in childbirth was regarded as a sin because it avoided the biblical curse pronounced against Eve. And every step in astronomy and geology ever taken has been opposed by bigotry and superstition. The Greeks surpassed us in artistic culture and in architecture five hundred years before Christian religion was born.”  – Mark Twain

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