Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly

By David Glenn Cox

As I watched and listened to the SpaceX launch. I started having Firesign Theater flashbacks. (ancient surrealistic drug cult reference comedy troupe) The canned audience of the droids cheering in a Stalin, Kafka, Mao pep rally. A regular North Korean prayer meeting.

The boss walking the line signaling to the droids to cheer or else. And sometimes when you try and squeeze reality through a tube, it distorts itself and becomes a parody of reality.

“I don’t know why you people think this is magic, it’s just this little chromium switch.”

The Space X rocket does high altitude gymnastics, who knew? But as the launch approached the announcer says with a planned planted reference quality. “You know, if the rocket clears the tower, the mission will be considered a success.” You can’t set the floor for failure much lower than that! You know, if this damn thing doesn’t blow sky high and kill half the people in here. I’d call it a win.

What? I’ve never heard of a successful rocket test before ending in a rapid unscheduled disassembly. As I watched, the vehicle gyrating and flipping end over end. “And the rocket begins its turn around maneuver.” Said just as normal as pie with coffee.

I’m thinking to myself, what sort of a rocket goes up a 100,000 feet and turns around? That sounds like an incredible waste of energy. Not to mention the strain on the vehicle. But had there been any astronauts inside they’d have been playing crack the whip inside a tin can like a centrifuge. John Glenn’s worst nightmare.

How would they report on that? “The astronauts report some unanticipated excitement and rapid bodily secretions. But otherwise, two thumbs up!”

 I understand not every test is successful. I’m not laughing at their failure. I’m laughing at them trying to call their failure a success. And that brings us to Ron DeSantis.

I knew something was up when she made that “clear the tower” crack. Why would you say something like that? If they didn’t have serious reservations that this candle wasn’t going to crack a thousand feet. It sounds like, if explosion were a definite possibility and she might just blow, they weren’t really ready for a test.

But somebody probably had it penciled in to their schedule. Launch today or pink slips tomorrow signed, Kim Jong Musk. Pompous in Pampers Baby Billionaire and uncrowned King of the world.  

But the parallels between Ronnie’s non-campaign, campaign and the SpaceX launch are undeniable. Ronnie started with all his engines running too and it looked good from the ground. “If this baby clears the tower, we will call it a success!” Ronnie does all those little things that endear Republican voters to a candidate. Like book banning, bigotry and attacking cartoon characters while even attacking the very bread he himself is buttered on.

This is major Ron to ground control. I’m feeling over my head. He was that popular boy who suddenly wasn’t popular anymore. Ron started his non-campaign, campaign early trying to catch the dumb cousin f*ckers off guard. And it was working too. Then Ronnie started having some serious blowback as his big loud talk began to upset the aerodynamics of his flight path. A donor was said to remark, “If we wanted another Trump. Then we’d vote for Trump.”

Ronnie is in a tough spot after visiting Washington looking for support and leaving empty-handed. They don’t dare. He’s watching them from afar you know. The orange shadow knows everything! One false move and the orange one could move against them. So, when the boss says cheer, you better fucking cheer!

It’s just like the Major League season of Republican scandals out there, with a new one coming every day. Tennessee representative Scotty Campbell suddenly resigns after being found guilty of sexually harassing an intern. Now that’s bad enough, all by itself. But it was just the other week Scotty voted to expel three other members only for breaking decorum.

The intern had to move from her apartment. Scotty’s comments were lewd and crude and totally inappropriate even in your higher-class of drug den or cat house. And Scotty’s career is now over spinning end over end in a rapid unscheduled disassembly.

And as much as I hate to admit it. Trump nailed Little Ronnie DeSantis to a cardboard crucifix by calling his personality, reheated Tofu. Ronnie has a likeability quotient. A smiling Richard Nixon quality about him trying to sell you a used car. “Hi ya friends this is Ralph Spoilsport from Ralph Spoilsport Motors.”

Ronnie’s rockets are failing in the twilight’s red scare, and he’s tumbling end over end. The orange ape has arrived on the scene and swatted little Ronnie down like biplane from a skyscraper. And Ronnie is as helpless as a commuter train in the orange Godzilla’s jaws.

By not officially announcing his campaign Ronnie’s rocket ride went up and turned around and started back down towards the ground. All before ever even announcing. I dunno, that didn’t seem like the full fifteen minutes to me. I think they’re shorting him.

Ronnie’s war on Disney is taking on moronic proportions. As the public up in the free states see the campaign as incredibly stupid. They just don’t have their hearts set on supporting a long war. But Ronnie is stuck, and this field can’t be unplowed. (Note to self-make certain that signature issue isn’t something stupid.)

Ron Desantis in a huge upset wins the White House today, based solely on a huge wave of public outrage and indignation over Mickey Mouse. “It’s the mouse stupid!”

It would seem the entire Republican Party is suffering a rapid unscheduled disassembly. Fox News is tumbling end over end and hemorrhaging cash and so now plays “Wheel of Fortune” with their host’s careers. Who will make the final cut?

Marge Traitor Greene is quarantined by her own Party. After doubling down on her claim, the document leaker is just some sort of freedom fighter. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread and Marge is well qualified.

Marge’s outburst comes from a lack of leadership in her Party. Kevin Pinocchio McCarthy is still just a wooden boy after all and incapable of leadership. No one is in charge and so they run like roaches in the kitchen when the lights come on. Led by an Orange mad man with no self-control over himself.

The Republican Party is spinning and twisting end over end. The final result is inevitable. A cloud of smoke, a ball of flames falling wreckage and a hearty, “Hi hoe Silver! In electric blue.”

Another successful launch! Wow, did you folks see that explosion? Wasn’t that great everyone? Why you’d have to go twice as far and half as wide to find an explosion a quarter as great as that!  And still at that everyday low, low high price. Thank you Elon, for that greatest of all successful explosions. Isn’t he a genius everyone?

“The reading today is from the book of Punter, Chapter 9, Verse 17: “All we have to fear is me.”

And lo, there came unto them Phillip called Punter. And he was Lillian Roth in his extremity. “Merrily, merrily, he says unto them saying. “Merrily, merrily for I am come.” And he came and he came unto the house of his mother’s brother’s servants saying,  “Lo! Where am I? And there was none there to answer him, not even no one saying. “Nowhere, yea, but in the land of reversible cups and sanitary pedestals.” And he lay in that land a long time, like worms on a hot cheese log.” – The Firesign Theater

“Ah, my iron lung is working again.”

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