Bye, Bye American Lie

By David Glenn Cox

It’s a sad, sad story. Tucker Carlson hits the door at home and says “Honey! Guess what?  I got fired again! We will have to live on my $300 million dollar fortune until I can find another job! We will have to let one of the chauffeurs go.” But there is some satisfaction to be had. Tucker signed off on Friday with “See, you on Monday!” But it wasn’t meant to be and wasn’t in the cards.

Tucker didn’t know that he and Fox News were about to agree to part ways. Something tells me Tucker got a call on the intercom that they were holding an impromptu meeting down in the legal department. And they would all like to hear some of his clever insights.

Everyone knows about Tucker’s lies and his role in the Dominion case. But Tucker had other peccadillos involving sexist behavior and trying to set up an underling to take the fall. And when little Tuck, Tuck arrived. The room was filled with lawyers all wearing that dower lawyer face that means, it’s bad news for someone.

“Tucker,” they began, “we feel that some changes are in order for your show.” These gentlemen will now review your scripts before every broadcast. And all the female staffers have been reassigned to other duties.”

And then Tucker made that famous asinine face of his. That face we all make when the doctor says, “Drop your pants bend over and cough.” (See Above)

For Fox News, this is just another day at the office. They fired Roger Ailes, and they fired Bill O’Reilly. They fired Glen Beck and now they’ve put little Tuck, Tuck out on the highway. This isn’t a skilled position. I’m sure if you check Indeed this morning, Fox is already advertising the job opening.

“Congenial congenital Liar wanted full time! Good pay and Great benefits inquire within! Ass kissing and riches available for the right candidate!”

If you can blame Joe Biden for something totally beyond his control, you’re half way there. And all you have to do make accusations and then look like you believe them yourself and you’re in! The audience is, after all, a bunch of dumb cousin f*ckers. It isn’t like you’re presenting a paper on phrenology before the MENSA Society. It isn’t like you have to waste your time with fact checking. Just make the shit up!

Maybe Tuck, Tuck was fired for his role in the Dominion debacle. And Fox used his sexist remarks and setting up a co-worker as the ostensible reason for his termination. Then a lawyer handed him his last paycheck and his Christmas club account, and it was all over. I’m sure Tucker protested, “I’ve got two weeks’ vacation coming to me, you know!”

“You can’t get away with this! I’ll be back! You’ll see! I’ve been fired from every job I’ve ever held, and I’ve always come back! ” And Tucker will be back. “Hello Newsmax? I just wanted to let you know that Tucker Carlson is now available. How much was he making at Fox? Ah, thirty-six million a year. No, I don’t think he’d settle for $800,000.

There is something I don’t understand about sexual harassment. I don’t have a national television audience or a $300 million dollar fortune to fall back on. “I ain’t good looking, but you know I ain’t shy.” It’s my understanding that the ladies really like money and really successful guys.

And yet, I have always  been able to find female company without making crude sexist remarks or crippling job pressure. How pathetic must you be to make crude remarks or threats to get attention with $300 million dollars in the bank. I guess that’s not enough money to buy a personality. “How would you like a new Mercedes? How would you like to go out with me on Friday? Answer the second question first!”

Everyone at Fox was so worried about the stock price and in sweet, sweet irony. The company lost close to a billion dollars in stock value before little Tuck, Tuck could sell his shares. Tuck, Tuck might go the Glen Beck route and appear on the crackling AM late night radio dial. Selling gold and survivalist supplies.

“You know friends, whenever I decide to live in my basement hiding out from the commies and big government. I’m always thankful for that five-gallon bucket of freeze-dried pinto beans! And gold coins! One of these days your money will be no good! ”

Cheatham, Cheatham, and Howe offers you one stop shopping for only the very best in survivalist supplies. With every order of one hundred pounds or more of freeze-dried pinto beans. They will send you a genuine John Rambo 12-inch survivalist knife complete with compass and flashlight built right in to the handle, absolutely free! Plus, you can use the empty five-gallon bucket as a commode!

The Murdoch media empire is valued at over thirty billion dollars. The Dominion settlement stung but wasn’t really dangerous. Same with the Smartmatic case. Just the cost of doing business in dumb cousin f*cker land. But when somebody wrecks the company truck, somebody’s got to get fired.

And why not fire Tucker? When you are on top there is only one way left to go. If you fire the big star, all the little stars will sit up and take notice. And eliminating 36 million dollars from the payroll doesn’t hurt.

What will Fox tell their audience? How can they explain away Tucker’s disappearance? “A special important breaking Fox News bulletin. Don Lemon has been fired by CNN!” Fox said nothing, but they could have said anything. “Tucker Carlson lost his life today when the Space X rocket, he was piloting exploded. Tucker Carlson was fired today from his lucrative job. Could the Biden Administration be responsible? Has Hillary Clinton’s secret army claimed yet another victim?”

It’s all good fun and everyone likes to see the big shot take a pie in the face. One day you’re interviewing the crazy former President you can’t stand and the next day…you’re out. Like shark’s teeth when one is gone another is pushed into its spot.

Conservative media is formula media. It isn’t about the news it’s about emotion and wild accusations. Tucker proves that rule. If he didn’t lie, he would have lost his audience to those who would lie. The fragile little egos of his audience couldn’t stand to hear the truth. Why, if you’re going to tell the truth I’m turning you off! They’re still angry that Fox called Arizona for Joe Biden. But who eventually won Arizona? Joe Biden did! Oh, fuck that! Where’s the remote?

Fox News is Cult TV its purpose isn’t to inform but to deform. Its purpose is to float sophic sophomoric theories to keep the dumb cousin f*ckers away from hearing the truth.

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” ― Mark Twain

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