This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

It was billed as must-see TV, the television event of the mid-week. Until Trump’s mugshot is released to the public anyway. It turned into not to be believed TV. I’ve been in better organized barroom brawls. The jeering out of control Gong show crowd voiced their opinions at every opportunity.

Like 5,000 Marge Tater Greene’s in the audience. Any illusions of a dignified Milwaukee are now shattered. I might not know what all the Republican candidates think, but I know what Republican, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, thinks.

The winners, if you can call anyone a winner in this horse auction, would be Chris Christie or Vivek Ramaswamy. Christie spoke from authority and experience. Ramaswamy spoke from volume and urgency whenever possible, sensing it was now or never.

Ramaswamy spoke whether it was his turn or not. And at one point interjecting before the others could speak that he didn’t believe in Climate change, though that wasn’t the subject being discussed. He thought he would just add that in in case you were wondering.

The men were all attired in their official Donald Trump approved uniform of a dark blue or black  jacket and bright red neck tie. Nikki Haley was wearing a soft white and blue print dress from the over 40 dressing under 21 collection. Rebecca from Sunny brook farm non-threatening feminine line. It’s harder for Republican women; they must put up a façade of the traditional 1950s housewife while still trying to appear tough and knowledgeable.

A theme quickly developed among the candidates. Bad things are afoot all around us and the times aren’t as good as they used to be. “Boy the way Glen Miller played, songs that made the Hit Parade. Guys like us we had it made. Those were the days.” Be afraid, be very afraid! China is making faces at us. They got guns and they speak Chinese, so we gots to do something!

Drug cartels are invading our Southern border bringing in tons of  Fentanyl killing ten million Americans every single day! And those lousy goddamn school teachers are at it again and up to no good. When I’m Czar, we will fight indoctrination by saying pledge of allegiance at least three times a day. And kids would take a test on civics in high school. The same citizenship test my mother had to take after she finished working her fingers to the bone raising me at her 16 hour a day job.

Poor Mike Pence gets it going and coming. He should bring back the fly; it makes him more interesting. They praise Pence for doing the right thing on January 6^th but slam him for doing the right thing January 6^th.

“I’m the only one on this stage who has actually given out a pardon! And you know when I did,  I had to call upon a higher power just like I always do. I think you all know who I’m talking about. He stills the troubled waters of my soul. He bringeth me the votes from the evangelicals. I’m not afraid to proclaim my faith if it gets me votes.

Mike didn’t move the needle and still needed a police escort to his car. They say money can’t buy happiness. Well, it also can’t buy debate skills. Billionaire Governor Doug Burnout looked like a Freshman on  the Varsity debate team. “What? Who me? Is it my turn now? They had Chinese missiles and when I was kid, I was poor. And despite a foundering educational system in the frozen hinterland. I built a billion-dollar company. That’s what we’d do If I’m elected, er ah, President.”

Throughout the horse auction the central theme developed where the candidates couldn’t define the Party. They all ran in their own separate directions as if there is no party policy or doctrine. You can be for Ukraine’s war with Russia, or you can be against it.

There are of course, the central Goldstein fear themes to be beaten into their pointy little heads. Did you know China is building up her navy? Be afraid, be very afraid! “Did you know the United States has 11 blue water nuclear aircraft carriers in service? China has one diesel powered aircraft carrier that has a habit of breaking down a lot. Did you know that China is in a bad recession and won’t be building that Navy anytime soon.

On the border question, it isn’t Jesus and Maria seeking a better life anymore. But armed guerrillas with Rambo daggers in their teeth. Each bringing in approximately one ton of Fentanyl. Killing more than ten million Americans each and every day. Mike Pence squeaks out that he got half the wall built. And if elected, he would finish the wall with the help of the almighty of course. Cause with his help we can do great things, amen.

Some wanted to send the Army with tanks and missiles to the border. While others just wanted to build the Great Wall of America and put up a few machine gun nests and some ribbon wire as needed. Some considered consulting with the Mexican Government and others were like “Nah, fuck em!”

The surprise to me at least, was battling Ron DeSantis. “I’m mad damn it! I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” He was angry at America for not loving him the way he wanted to be loved. Forcing him to appear on this crummy little stage to share time with these other Bozos when he was clearly a front runner.

Only once, did Ron smile as he contemplated taking candy from small children. But I think Ron misunderstood the debate instructions. When they told him not to look at the other candidates Ron took that to mean no matter what. He stared off iron stiff, eyes frozen straight ahead.

But at the end of the spectacle, when they have that little ceremony when the candidates step away from their little podiums and shake hands with each other. The sound is turned off, and they smile at each other and exchange pleasantries, signifying that we’re all still friends.

Ron walked away from his podium in a hurry, exit stage right. Ron didn’t say nothing to nobody. He marched straight off that stage without a word, like he couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I don’t think Ron won the debate. I don’t think Ron thinks he won the debate either. I think he was unhappy with his performance and let it show. Temper, temper.

It’s those candid little glimpses of a candidate we get only occasionally, when the candidate doesn’t think anyone is watching.

The debate made clear the confused vacancy inside the post Trump Republican Party. They don’t really know what they are for or against. They just peddle fear and anger, pandering to the angry crowd.

“Everyone sees what you appear to be, few experience what you really are.” ― Niccolò Machiavelli