This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? This is all the damn GOP’s fault! The fuckers! Laura Loomer, former Trump main squeeze and potential next Mrs. Trump has been banished from the campaign. From now on, she’ll have to wait under the balcony for those stolen moments.

What makes the story fun is its obvious transparency.

“The conspiracy theorist, who traveled with Trump to his recent presidential debate before appearing at a 9/11 event, stirred anger among Republicans who feel her presence is a detriment to the campaign.”

Her presence is a detriment to the campaign, huh? How? Is she keeping Donnie from doing his homework? Is she keeping him up late? How exactly is a 31-year-old recycled Barbie doll a detriment to a 78-year-old serial philanderer running for President exactly? Please explain for those under 12 in the room.

Trump initially responded to the backlash by telling reporters that he “didn’t control Laura,” dubbing her a “free spirit.”

A free spirit, huh? Oh, I bet Yoko is  just wonderful John! Oh boy, has this one ever got it bad. “Donnie’s got a girlfriend! Donnie’s got a girlfriend! Sounds a bit like a mid to late, late life crisis. And they just don’t understand about us. She’s not like Donnie’s first, second or third wives. Not like his many affairs or girlfriends. She’s different and special! Maybe they can run away together to Mongolia and live on the steppe in a Yurt raising goats.

But these adjectives and euphemisms persist, and the Trump campaign was forced to do something about it. Because what the public sees is only a tiny snapshot through a keyhole. It’s the constant drumbeat of Republican complaint against Loomer which tells us the true tale. They wouldn’t be freaking out like this if Trump weren’t making a fool of himself and obviously cheating on his wife. If Loomer were just one many off the wall Trump advisors, they wouldn’t have put her off the bus.

A detriment, like if the Blue Haired Ladies Against Freedom ever catch wind of Donnie screwing around on his wife, it’s the end of the line detriment? It’s not what they say, it’s how they say it. If Donnie wanted to screw around on the wife. That would be simple enough to arrange. Lovers behind closed doors and business like in public. But that does require self-control, doesn’t it?

From the massive freak-out, I’d guess they were caught skinny dipping in the Holiday Inn Express pool. Loomer’s anger appears to be more than girl’s just want to have fun. She’s got her hooks in a big fish and they are trying to keep her from rowing the boat back to shore with it. Or maybe I’m thinking of Ernest Hemmingway.

“But with Loomer seemingly unable to keep her outrageous and offensive remarks to herself—and with Trump reportedly receiving numerous phone calls from concerned advisors and donors—the far-right provocateur, according to the Washington Post, was ultimately barred from regularly traveling with Trump.”

Regularly? What the hell does that mean? Occasional sleepovers are, okay? Just keep her out of sight?

Sure, that’s it!  It’s what Ms. Loomer says which actually bothers the campaign. Not anything else she might be doing. They don’t like people saying outrageous things around the Trump campaign. But the operative phrase here is, “numerous phone calls from concerned advisors and donors.” You know what that means, don’t you? It means the word is out among the well connected. That Donnie’s got a girlfriend! A sweetie pie. With divorce lawyers on standby.

Donnie and Laura sitting in a tree K-i-s-s-i-n-g.  First come pictures and then comes scandal, then comes Donnie with a problem he can’t handle. But Donnie is said to have called Loomer “crazy” But crazy has a many different meanings. There’s bat shit crazy and then there is crazy hot for teacher. Or Donnie just called her crazy to throw the hounds off the trail. To hide his rapidly beating heart away from the public. He’s over the moon. It is almost to be expected after two assassination attempts. The old dude stares down the barrel of his own mortality and in doing so,  grasps for the forbidden fruit, just one more time.

Trying to feel alive, young and vital. And for his wife? Who? She doesn’t like politics, not like Laura does. She doesn’t laugh at his jokes and is always talking about him going to prison and stuff. Not like Laura, Laura thinks he’s funny and smart and cute and everything else a floozie would say to an unsuspecting mark.

So obviously, for the good of everyone, the two needed to be separated. Do you know what that means boys and girls? Not ever to be seen together in public ever, ever again. But Laura’s an internet influencer and she feeds off the headlines. She’s willing to hump Trump for the media attention it brings. And without the media attention, she’s humping on a near 80-year-old man for nothing.

The Trump team sees the handwriting on the wall and so tries fix every little thing they can trying to improve their electoral chances. So, what would qualify as job one here? What problem could be easily fixed, today? So officially, Laura’s gone, and she fumes as would be expected when asked to leave the party. But something tells me she’s not gone far. Donnie is a slave to his baser instincts, and you can’t keep an old dog under the porch for long.

Is it true love or just senile lust? Will she stay or will she go? Remember, the last woman to wed the 80-year-old billionaire wins.

“These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume. The sweetest honey
Is loathsome in his own deliciousness
And in the taste confounds the appetite.
Therefore love moderately; long love doth so;
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.”
― William Shakespeare