This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

The Twilight’s last gleaming Tucker Carlson is in the news again. He was suddenly and deliberately attacked by demon forces while in bed with his wife and four dogs. Well, what would you do? You’ve been fired from your cushy job and must scramble a hard scrabble velvet existence. But the big job is gone, gone, gone, and won’t be coming back any time soon. It’s not the money; it’s the power and the prestige. The difference between being a big star and once was a big star. Stay back, drowning man at work! Didn’t you used to be somebody?

History teaches us the Fox News and comedy company can take an average mellon head and make them into a star. Faster than you can say hot blonde in a short skirt. Like lightbulbs, they only appear bright with the power of Fox News behind them. But once switched off, soon become dim. So once given the old pink slip, time is of the essence to make something happen.

Do anything! Anything! Go anywhere! Go visit Vladimir Putin, he’s a nice man. Become the former President’s resident quasi favorite media splainin guy. Whenever Mr. Trump really gets into trouble, you interview him with that famous peculiar, odd look on your face. Free Shark Jumping 101! Straight ahead!

There are some stories which are best left untold certain to be met with drastic skepticism. The woman in Pennsylvania who stepped out in her back yard only to see an Alien taking a whiz. Sure, it could happen, but what are the statistical chances? An Alien would pick your backyard to relieve himself in?

But this is far more serious than just your ordinary old extra-terrestrial whizzing in the yard story. This is a super terrestrial! Real make believe stuff! And he’s plotting imaginary evil against you! And there is only one safe course open to you. Don’t believe in it! Like the monsters under your bed imbued with fantastic powers and capabilities, but only if you believe in them. Demons never attack agnostics, only believers. Think about baseball and you’ll be alright. Just don’t think about ancient myths or theology.

But Tucker has proof! The demon left scratches on his sides. And he couldn’t have scratched himself in his sleep as the mentally ill are prone to do sometimes. Because Tucker sleeps on his side! What do you say to that, huh? That’s some pretty concrete evidence there. But holy “Song a Bernadette”, call the pope! The scratch marks are STILL THERE! A year and half later. (If redness or scratches persist see you doctor or televangelist right away)

Is it rude to ask how the scratches got there? I mean, how do you suppose that occurred? What sort of activity was the demon engaged in with you in bed? It’s okay if he doesn’t want to share. I think we all understand. Any problems sitting down?

Now this demon did this terrible thing with Mrs. Tucker right there in the bed next to him and she slept on soundly or giggled secretly. Okay, but four dogs? You expect me to believe the devil’s apprentice had his way with you and didn’t wake the dogs? Why? Why you? The devil thinks you’re cute or something? That’s almost a compliment really. Tucker should be flattered.

You have to ask yourself what sort of mind could concoct such a story and expect positive results to follow from it? “Just wait until they find out, the offers will come pouring in.” Perhaps, coming soon, “The Devil Inside of Me” The Tucker Carlson story. The book sensation soon to be turned into a major Disney channel motion picture.

No word yet if Tucker is willing to show us his scratches or produce an impartial medical opinion. No, you just have to believe him. Would he lie to you about a thing like that?

Either Tucker is mentally ill, or a demon really scratched him up. Let’s try and analyze the situation’s possibilities. Every community of any size has facilities for handling the mentally ill. But how many communities have public servants working on demon control? That societal discipline points us towards likely mental illness. Or Tucker is just playing the fools like the fools deserve to be played.

A religion is best served by an army of invisible soldiers out to get you if you don’t show up for church or fill up your tithe envelope. They’re everywhere! They see you when you’re sleeping! They know when you’ve been bad. And it really makes them kind of hot!

We should start a society dedicated to placing Darwin’s Origin of Species in every hotel nightstand in America as a preventative against demon attacks. Santa doesn’t really come on Christmas Eve and there is no Easter bunny. Demons only attack those who believe in them. BE SAFE and don’t believe!

Tucker says, “That happens, people are attacked in their bed by demons.” He continues, “It was a very transformative experience, and he was seized with this very intense desire to read the Bible.” But that’s how he got into this situation. If you stop thinking, there are monsters under your bed they are vanquished instantly, without even putting up a fight.

“No one has to believe me, I don’t care, but that happened to me.” Tucker’s Shark Jumping 101

“You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?” ― Mark Twain