By David Glenn Cox
There’s not enough good news in the world these days, but this one was worth its weight in gold. A school in Russia received an email from the national government. Explaining all the teachers needed to make aluminum foil hats right away to protect themselves from dangerous NATO satellites whirling in space overhead and to show their patriotism. So, they did. An aluminum foil fashion show decorated with Russian flags. Some were of the aluminum beehive design while others had a pointy top like WW1 German soldiers’ helmets, only with Russian flag decals glued on.
The ladies all did an excellent job and professed their love of country and of Vladimir Putin. Only, the email had come from a prankster in Belarus. I think the word I’m looking for here is gullible. Me? I’d be tempted to call someone and ask, “Hey man, are you kidding me? Are you putting us on?”
But see, under an authoritarian regime. You don’t ask questions you just do. I recently saw a video of Russian soldiers gathered around looking at the wreckage of a burned-out hulk of a destroyed tank. It was British, they were almost certain. Or maybe it was German, but man, they said. This NATO stuff is a big pile of crap! Look at those shitty welds! The tank had hit a mine and had had its guts blown out. They call that protection? Look at this piece of shit! It’s a death wagon! I wouldn’t send a dog to war in this junk. Oh wait…it’s Russian.
Whoops, I accidentally told the truth. It was Russia’s newest and rarest tank on the battlefield. Destroyed by a design flaw large enough to sail the Queen Mary through. Russian tanks store their ammunition underneath the crew on the floor in an autoloader. Relatively close to the thinnest armor on the tank. Placing the ammo storage somewhere between the landmine and the crew. Survival is not an option but be brave comrade.
Ask me no questions, and I won’t have you arrested. There’s only one tank company in Russia, and if you would like to continue in this industry, please give us your honest assessment of our newest tank. “Oh, it’s really great! It’s got four wheeled round wheels, white walled FM radio and splash guards on all the mudflaps and a power radio antenna, but no radio. The steel is like butter and the welds look as if they were made by a blind woodsman.”
In the Nixonian tongue that is to say, I said this to show you that. This is our world now! The nail which sticks up even slightly is subject to getting hammered down. Making unpopular statements about the incoming Administration could be construed as disloyalty. Definitely someone to watch among the many as the King has many enemies. So many, it is difficult to guess who he will go after first.
Will the King pardon the January 6th, insurrectionists on day one, as promised? Maybe host a party every year celebrating the Beer Hall Putsch. I mean, January 6th. Maybe we could make a national holiday out of it? Half off on all ammunition sales for Insurrectionist day! Like Secretaries week or murder day! Just think, those jailbirds are on their way to celebrity fame and fortune. Maybe even political office!
You know, Rudy Giuliani has been raped by the criminal justice system and stripped of most of his property. Maybe the King can vacate that Judgement and get Rudy his car back at least. Maybe get Rudy a make work job in the Justice Department somewhere he won’t cause too much trouble, like Attorney General. With Rudy’s penchant for fine liquors at ten o’clock in the morning. It’s doubtful he’d even answer the phone. “Who is this? What the hell do you want? I’sh told you! I ’mmm busyyy!”
The whole world is holding its breath except for Russia and North Korea of course. Cautious and tepidly fearful of what’s to come next. Just waiting for the other tentacle to drop. I do feel like Charlton Heston on the beach looking up at a crumpled Statue of Liberty. The stupid bastards finely did it! They turned the world over to a mad man and put him in full control. And then, what happened next daddy?
But I get it. The word on the street says, “Happy talk is in daddy-o! Down with all the doom and gloom. Turn that frown upside down! Pretend it never happened. It’s only life on earth, so don’t sweat it! It’s best we be polite and not point out any similarities to Adolph Hitler. That’s just not fair! Just because he talks like a Fascist and threatens to do Fascist things doesn’t mean he is one. Come on, give the guy a break! Lots of people say deranged shit when they are old and out of their minds! That’s no reason to go comparing him with Hitler.
All content, canticles and comments which attempt to portray this as an earth wide existential crisis for all humanity will be minimized. Come on, think happy thoughts! If you wanna complain, just beat yourself up or flog the Democratic Party. Wouldn’t it be better to think happy thoughts? And write about happy things? Don’t make people sad by bothering them with the truth!
“A really efficient totalitarian state would be one in which the all-powerful executive of political bosses and their army of managers control a population of slaves who do not have to be coerced, because they love their servitude.” ― Aldous Huxley
Or just smile slightly, and pretend I said nothing.
This Carbon Based Life 
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