This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

I feel almost honored; I’d like to take this moment to thank the Academy for this award. But in the name of George Jetson, I must say, “You can’t fire me! I quit!” So, I wake and out of the clear blue sky Defacebook is deleting my account on account of my using their social media site to butter my own bread. You see, it’s different Opie; You write a social media post and hope everyone will see it. I write a social media post and hope you’ll want to see more. See?

But I’m a hobo hitching a ride on their train and the railroad dick’s want me thrown off. Money Sonny or hit the bricks. So first they put the filters on, and the reads fell off a cliff. I still wouldn’t get the message and pony up the cash. All very subliminal by the way. Promote this article?? $$. Your article could reach the entire state of Idaho for just $90,000. But…. Since you refuse to get the message. We’re going to have to take matters into our own hands.

It’s their bat and ball and they can make the rules up as they go with an office building filled with Philadelphia lawyers. It does illustrate the cold molasses speed by which they operate. It was three weeks ago, I announced I would not be posting anything on Defacebook. Now, they’re throwing me out. And I’m so proud. I feel so proud I wish my mother were here. And now comes the legal notice. I’m violating their trademarks, and everyone all upset and in a tizzy. Be gone now from our Social Media FOREVER! I’ve been kicked off the Charles Manson Party bus, and I’m thrilled.

I left Defacebook because it was no longer worth the trouble with 5,000 friends and 28 reads where there used to be three or four or eight hundred. And for reasons I don’t fully understand the reads are still coming despite my not posting on Defacebook. I bet deleting my account would make that stop. I’m honored they took the time out of their busy day to think about little ole me. Can you believe they sent along a Black’s Law dictionary definition of commerce?

Let me give you a Dave’s Law dictionary definition of oppression. You may discuss your pregnant dog or your friend’s pregnant dog. You may post pictures of your friend’s pregnant dog. But if you mention your friend’s selling the puppies someday. THAT’S COMMERCE! And you owe us!

It is following the common arc of failure. A new company comes along with a new innovation. Everyone’s all excited and the company is flush with cash. Then as the company becomes more successful, rules are put into place to eliminate innovation sometimes called “wasteful” spending. Then as the apogee of the arc is reached, it becomes apparent which way the revenue is about to go. The answer, as any business major can tell you is to “maximize” the profit. Squeeze the shit out of everything! Charge for napkins in the lunchroom and no more free refills of the company’s water!

In an effort to improve efficiency, effective immediately; you must fill out a request for personal relief form at least fifteen minutes before requesting any restroom breaks. But in these days of American terrorism the last thing you would want to do as a social media site is to make anyone orange mad at you. I wish them no ill intent on their forthcoming decline.

I am truly honored that a big friggin corporation would take a personal interest in me. They sent me a link to a page to appeal their decision without a link to appeal. (Lawyers huh?) Only a page full of legal definitions. But I would never appeal! I’m honored! To be cast out from a dying edifice of corrupt corporate America is notable accomplishment, and I wear this Scarlet Letter with pride.

I almost want to sell tee shirts. “I got kicked off Defacebook! Ask me how!” I lost a lot of reads by leaving Defacebook. But I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the growth on Tribel, Substack and BlueSky. In the wake of the recent election, it seems many are leaving traditional news and social media outlets. Looking for something they can’t even describe, but somehow know they need. They don’t know exactly what it is they need; they only know that they aren’t getting it.

The world turns upside down, and they explain to you, everything is fine. It’s all in your head, it’s just you!

The Vice-President of the United Snakes gives a speech proclaiming, “Nazis have feelings too!” Lecturing a country that once built Nazi extermination camps and crematoriums to give the Nazis another chance. Do you know where you won’t hear about any of this? Need I say it? Social Media? “Ya! Ist Verboten!”

The purpose isn’t to inform you but to deform you and steer the conversation towards the trivial. Go local sports team! It’s my birthday today! Here’s a picture of my dog! I don’t want to think about the world spinning out of control! His name is Rex! I tremble with fear for the coming days but with great relief I know I will be protected from all damaging information which might upset me. You tell them to only think about nice things Winston. Your job isn’t to educate them but to keep from educating them.

Your job is to keep them distracted with pointless minutia. Only pretending to be both Social and Media. “If you keep saying those things without paying us, we will just have to delete you!

You, of course, have the right to appeal this decision of a nameless faceless star chamber made up entirely of our employees in an entirely contrived setting. Where we make all the rules and can make up new ones, whenever we feel like it.

Thank You Defacebook! I’m so proud to be found worthy of expulsion from your auspicious but, you’re three weeks late! I’ll tell my grandkids about it someday! And they’ll probably answer…what’s a Facebook?

“Now, there are at least two ways in which sit-ins and civil disobedience and whatever — least two major ways in which it can occur. One, when a law exists, is promulgated, which is totally unacceptable to people and they violate it again and again and again till it’s rescinded, appealed. Alright, but there’s another way. There’s another way. Sometimes, the form of the law is such as to render impossible its effective violation — as a method to have it repealed. Sometimes, the grievances of people are more — extend more — to more than just the law, extend to a whole mode of arbitrary power, a whole mode of arbitrary exercise of arbitrary power.” -Mario Savio