This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Putrid Pete performed pitifully poorly in a premium poop filled propaganda extravaganza. The ghost of Joseph Goebbels shakes his head in sadness. With Pete’s over the top performance that makes him hard to watch sometimes. It’s like watching a Marvel superhero movie. Dry drunk Petey with his little stars and stripes pocket hanky, is he serious about the job or is he just playing a movie role? Where Petey tries to convince us that he really is the Secretary of Defense.

In Petey’s little speech, he encompassed all the reasons why Iran was bad. They had closed the Strait of Hormuz, and that’s bad! They were interfering with international commerce, and that’s bad too! They are interfering with the world economy, and that’s really bad! Pete said, “This is whole thing is all Iran’s fault, and Iran is clearly the aggressor here.” [insert laugh track]

Am I the only one who remembers Joe Isuzu? An 80s TV pitchman who told obviously huge lies and outrageous distortions, while never losing the smile on his face. Petey tells us all the reasons why Iran is at fault here, without ever coming near mentioning that the United States committed a war crime by assassinating the Iranian head of state in an unprovoked and unprecedented surprise military attack. Oh, that! Unprovoked surprise military attack? It wasn’t an unprovoked surprise military attack. It was a well-intentioned war crime. We only want what’s best for the world, you know.

Does Petey really believe on George Orwell’s soul? That he can convince us all at this late date, that the war was all Iran’s fault? Or was little Pete’s little boiler-plate speech aimed at a smaller audience of one? Never mind what WE did first! Look at what THEY are doing now! Now is not the time to talk about who started what. Look at what they’re doing!

Then Petey went into his Joe Isuzu routine. The United States has ships and airplanes, and spy satellites. The United States Navy is the greatest Navy in the world, manned by proud young American sailors, who will begin escorting vessels through the Strait. But secretly, under the surface, (You’re on your own! If you eat a missile, don’t come crying to us. You’re on your own!) Don’t expect the United States Navy to come to your rescue. We’re just here to escort you in a bluff show of force. The Navy is not going to reignite the war over a bulk freighter from Bahrain, no matter what Petey the “would-be” Captain America thinks.

Petey’s speech was a pure, deep-dive immersion into backwardsism. Everything Joe Isuzu says is false. The United States is winning! The United States holds all the cards. We have Iran over a barrel! We have Iran right where we want them! Iran can’t wait to surrender to us. This doesn’t hurt us. We can do this all day, it’s no strain on us whatsoever! We’re not running out of missiles. We’re not worried one bit.  

The United States navy has moved to escort ships and the Iranians fired missiles which missed their targets. Iran claimed they were “warning shots.” Have you ever heard of warning shots done with missiles before? Set the missile guidance system to almost destroy them! That’s a very expensive “Hey You!” Were they really warning shots or did they just miss their targets? The administration is dancing on the head of a pin with no wiggle room. What happens when one of those warnings shots misses and hits their target?

Petey says, we’re doing all of this as a gift to the whole world! (You’re welcome) Our birthday is July the fourth. We’re doing it out of the goodness of our hearts; the US will rescue the whole world from the crazy Iranians who closed the Strait for some unknown, crazy reason. No one knows why for sure. It’s just one of those memory wipe things you’ve all heard so much about in the news. Pure propaganda, all filler, a Leni Riefenstahl production.

Never mind why! Look what they’re doing! Now, of course, as great and all-powerful and fantastic as our military is. And despite our great hearts and generous spirits, We still expect our pitiful and pathetically weak allies to step up and help us in their best pitiful little ways. Maybe they can hold our coats for us or something. While we do the real fighting, while America saves the world…again! (You’re all welcome! We’re glad to do it for you!)

There is a ceasefire in place, but instead of negotiations working towards a peace settlement, the United States prefers provocation. But remember, they’re doing it all for you! Iran is acting illegally in violation of international law. You know what that means, don’t you? It’s Clobberin Time! The Trump administration taunts the Iranians. “Knock this chip off my nose! I dare you!”

Here is a little math problem for extra credit. How many missile-damaged Navy frigates will it take before the administration regrets this decision? (Hint) It’s the same number as the number of moons surrounding the Earth. A quick review of the war will remind us. The Navy escorting ships idea had been suggested before, but quickly the idea was abandoned as too perilous. Our weakling, weak-kneed allies had also said “no.” Now, the idea has somehow come back in vogue, because the administration defiantly isn’t nervous or out of options and pushed into trying something or anything, no matter how dangerous. A month ago, the escort idea was discounted as an unworkable scheme. Now, it’s policy and a hell of a good idea.

Iran is holding the world economy hostage, just because of one little assassination and prolonged bombing campaign by the United States. Why are the Iranians so unreasonable? Why do the Iranians want to hurt the world economy?

“He who is prudent and lies in wait for an enemy who is not, will be victorious.”
― Sun Tzu