This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

No news is no news. Trump turns his nose up at the latest Iranian peace proposal. Now, since it’s the Trump administration, it’s basically too inarticulate to explain to the public such fine foreign policy details as “why?” Why are you turning down the Iranian proposal, Mr.Trump? Who are you to ask me such a question? Okay, you’re an American citizen. An American citizen, what? A billionaire? An investor in Trump crypto coins? What? And I bet you think you’re owed an explanation too, don’t you?

Not in the program, sunny Jim. But looking at the bones of the Iranian offer, guess what? I would have turned down the Iranian offer too. The offer was diplomatic bullshit. Recognize Iranian sovereignty over the Strait of Hormuz? You guys must be crazy or high. Quick question: who told you we had the power to grant you such sovereignty? Admittedly, if you asked Mr. Trump, I’m sure he’d probably tell you that he had the right to grant such sovereignty. You know; like the Gulf of America nonsense. Mr. Trump would grant sovereignty on one condition. Ready? The Strait or Trump. Huh? It’s perfect! The world’s most crooked Strait!

But this single episode shows a major problem with the “my way or the highway “ philosophy. Here is an issue on which I agree wholeheartedly with Donald Trump. But Mr. Trump is too inarticulate to build a consensus. He might even get more positive press. But Mr. Trump thinks either we don’t deserve the answers or even an explanation. The king said so, that’s why! Questions of sovereignty over an international waterway should best be addressed c/o The United Nations, New York, New York, 10017.

The very idea of asking Donald Trump for sovereignty over an international waterway or anything is just sort of bizarre. It’s like demanding a white Christmas or for the sun to come up an hour early. It’s not Trump’s to give or to give away. The Iranians also want Israel to stop all of its warlike activities in Lebanon. Now, really, how can you expect Donald Trump to achieve that? Israel is not about to allow her progress towards a greater Israel be negotiated away, least of all by Donald Trump. But it adds two more contentious sovereign nations to the peace mix. And maybe now you think, Donald Trump can fix this?

Write this down in case someone tries to tell you I’ve never agreed with Donald Trump, even once in my miserable life. [See: Broken Clock Rule] The Iranian proposal is garbage and a political non-starter. When a waterway flows between two or more states or territories, the most obvious peaceful solution is to share it equally. Iran wants the whole thing from beach to beach. Like giving the state of Illinois sovereignty over the Mississippi River from Minneapolis to New Orleans. The issue at hand is the oil blockade, which is slowly making the world go crazy right now. So let’s ignore the crazy toll booth idea and stick to the basics.

You want Donald Trump to strike a deal to rein in the Israeli military? Are you new here? Who on Earth could actually accomplish that? Installing Israel in the settlement is installing a kill switch. Asking Trump to involve Israel is counterproductive. Iran is dealing with the most unethical slippery, slimy, crooked scallywag to ever wear the diadem, and you want Israel sitting at the table too? Have you guys thought this whole thing through?

In a way, it’s like Monty Python in “The Life of Brian.” You can’t just buy this fake beard for twenty shekels, sir. You’ve got to haggle for it! So, Iran’s answer is to ask for the impossible. Even without binoculars, you can see the two sides aren’t anywhere close to a resolution. But they’re talking, and that’s a plus. They’re talking to the Trump team, so maybe yes. Gosh, it would be a great moment for Mr. Trump to give a speech laying out his plans. But alas, Mr. Trump can’t do that either in form or function. The last time Mr. Trump tried, he quickly wobbled off subject and ended up in the weeds of his own frustrations, leaving network TV executives scrambling and scratching their heads.

It leaves us at a divide. Is Mr. Trump mentally incompetent? Or is Mr. Trump physically disabled? Mr. Trump does his best FDR impersonation hiding behind the Resolute Desk. But during the festivities with King Charles, while the cameras were focused on king Chuck. Mr. Trump could be seen in the background walking. Walking like the administration wouldn’t ever want him to be seen walking on TV. Dottering and slow, “Are you alright Gramps? Do you need your crack pipe filled?” Oh, to be a fly on the wall! The West Wing, my ass! The Trump White House will be titled “Damnation Alley!”

The peace goals should be resolving immediate issues, and restoring the status quo prior to the war’s start, and open up the strait to traffic for everyone. A permanent cessation of hostilities and a return to negotiations. What the US is asking for is just as unreasonable. Put yourself in the Iranian’s seat. The US just bombed the shit out of your country in an unprovoked attack, killing thousands of civilians and assassinating the country’s religious leader. Now, they want you to give up your uranium. The Iranians might have given their uranium up until the war started. Now, today, it’s impossible for Iran to surrender their goods. That would be seen as a form of surrender and Iran didn’t lose this war. And if the Iranians didn’t surrender before, they certainly aren’t about to surrender now.

Both sides are playing diplomatic games. Both sides are asking for the impossible. Step one: set up face-to-face binding negotiations. Mutually agree to open the strait. Iran won’t get any toll booths on the Strait. The US won’t get the uranium and will end the sanctions. Mr. Trump is afraid to surrender, fearing if he makes concessions, people will think he’s weak. Unaware relief from war fears, inflation and high energy prices, will stifle any such criticism. You’d think a guy who wrote a book “The Art of the Deal” would know that?  

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
― Will Rogers