This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

I am eternally grateful to Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn for his landmark work, “The Gulag Archipelago.” The book was an education for me in how the Soviets operated their propaganda monopoly, and how the Russian people learned to deal with it. An article appeared in the newspaper one day announcing a new State sponsored Temperance movement! The Russian reads the article and says to himself, “Oh, God! The potato crop has failed!” Every lie carefully placed to cover over some other lie or calamity.

So I turned on my 60-inch pixilator for the latest in state-sponsored corporate news. Where did he go? Why, he was just here yesterday! Mr. Trump was all over the dream weaver machine, excellently explaining to us spelling bee losers how the word “Dumb’” is correctly spelled. And it has a B at the end of it! Did you know that? Comic gold! You won’t believe what Gramps said this time! Mr. Trump has been sleep deep in negotiations with Iran. The sticking point is Mr. Trump trying to make it look less obvious that the war was/is an unmitigated disaster and all his fault.

Did you know the word “dumb” has a B at the end of it? Not everyone does, you know? Some people are “Dum” and I call them Dumocrats. I made that up all by myself, just now. I slay myself with how clever I am sometimes. All you have to do is take the B off the end, and then you add an O! Then you just put the pieces together! It is a sign of how far we’ve traveled. That video never should have reached the eyes and ears of the plebian class. The President of the Untied Snakes proudly explaining how to spell a word from Mrs. Veldaboon’s fourth-grade spelling list. Did you know that there was a B at the end of the word dumb? Some people don’t, you know?

Do you have any baseless suspicions as to what might be holding up those negotiations? “Yes sir, yes sir. A letter B at the end. Got it, sir. Yes, sir, I’m aware. I’m pretty sure the mullahs are also aware, sir.” But do you know what it means when Donald Trump reaches his stupid quotient? It means it’s time to wipe the slate clean. Time to put him away for a while, and keep him out of sight and out of mind, until they can put last week behind them. Mr. Trump answers, I don’t even want your old Kennedy Center anymore, anyway! There! Congress can have it, like a Tonka truck tossed down in a kindergarten sandbox! President Toddler.  

So we now have one-third of the White House in ruins. Fences and construction equipment. And now, a city golf course is being remodeled, with toxic soil. The city says the soil is toxic, and Trump’s people say it’s not. Who am I to believe? The famous back nine at Uranium Oaks. Mr. Trump is having the reflecting pool repainted. Did you know when Poole is used as a proper name, it’s capitalized and sometimes has an E on the end of it? Some people don’t know that, you know? But what was once a two million dollar, no-bid contract, is now a twenty-million dollar, no-bid contract. Whoops! But it’s alright. The guy is a friend of Mr. Trump. He’s done work for him before. And those references are good enough for me!

The reflecting pool is being painted American flag blue as the president defect requested. Class? As most of us are already aware; American flag blue is a dark, dark color blue. Class? What happens to the dark color blue, once it’s covered over with a foot or two of reflecting water? Did you know blue turns black when covered over with reflecting waters? Some people don’t, you know? Black as asphalt. Twenty million dollars to change the bottom of the reflecting pool from black to black.

They’ve reached the point where they no longer even try to correct him anymore. [Emperor’s New Clothes stage] “But if you paint it dark blue, it’s going to look! Oh, never mind.” Bring on the American flag blue! “Oh, it’s going to be beautiful, sir, just like the golf course. And who can forget Mr. Trump’s Arc of No Triumph. Dedicated to the memory of nothing in particular. You can’t  fool me, I’ve been to high school before! I know “busy” work, when I see it! Mr. Trump seems preoccupied his vanity projects. Keep the king busy with his follies and the pretty things he enjoys. He asks fewer questions, that way. And if he mentions the purple unicorns? Just nod and answer, they’re still on back order, sir.

Mr. Trump is so focused on Iranian negotiations, he could barely stop talking about the MMA fight he has planned setting up, on the front lawn of the White House. Trump defends the event by saying Teddy Roosevelt once held boxing matches a century or so ago. You know, back when children worked in coalmines and sewing mills. If something was cool a hundred years ago, it must still be cool now, right? Like cock fighting, smoking opium or no drinking laws. If the kid has got the nickel, give him the beer!

The fact is really, I don’t care about the MMA fight. I just don’t like the White House looking like a derelict shopping center hosting a carnival. This is a dumb (with a B) idea. There is no upside here. People like me with criticize it the event. {Big Flea Market Next Saturday!} While friends of the President, will remain silent at the insanity. Nowhere in the American electorate are the MMA undecided. “I weren’t fer sure which way to vote in them midterms. It sure was confusing! But if he’s gonna have an MMA fight right on the front lawn. I’m sticking with him! Word is they’re recruiting Army soldiers who meet the height and weight requirements for an audience. “No Fatty’s!” And not too many quota fillers if you know what I mean. (hint, hint) Just sprinkle in a few down front where the camera can pick them up.

As much as my senses keep telling me this is all an  an acid flashback. I must report it’s true. But hey, it’s still nice to do something for the troops, provided they aren’t too fat or ugly. But the troops with still be responsible for their own transportation costs. What do want? Free or something? Do you think this godawful contraption we built on the front lawn of the White House was cheap?

Mr. Trump’s popularity was announced, and like Cleveland’s temperature in January, it’s still going steadily down. The announced state- approved number was 34% but I’m wise to the Soviet game. That’s the official state number, your polling may be different. They couldn’t dare tell you the true number at any price. Or maybe, you believe Mr. Trump can destroy the economy, reignite inflation. Drive oil prices up to record levels! Set the entire world on a hair trigger for a world war and only lose 3% in popularity? Some people are dumb with a B.! Did you know that? Barack Obama once wore a tan suit to the oval office…never forget!

“When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, ‘it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.’

’The question is,’ said Alice, ‘whether you can make words mean so many different things.’

’The question is,’ said Humpty Dumpty, ‘which is to be master — that’s all.”
― Lewis Carroll,