This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

OOP’S! This government of ours here in the land of religious freedom, was making its list of which religions it would recognize, support, and or theoretically bomb till extinction and declare all members as Narco terrorists. But oops! They inadvertently forgot someone. Oops! This is the Trump administration; how could they make such a terrible mistake as that? Well, I’m here to tell you they made no mistake. They knew exactly what they were doing. The idealogs in house pronounced their list, before the political operatives in house could check their homework.

Before they “accidentally” omitted the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from their list of Christian denominations. You see, I have insight on this subject. I once lived in a religiously bigoted Capitol of the Bible Belt for twenty years. I have a self-accredited master’s degree in religious bigotry. But it was even worse than that; I myself was among the population of the non-believing, non-church going, heathens living and sinning brazenly, inside their community of faith.

But I’ve heard that “We Forgot” story before, You see, in the Capitol of the Bible Belt. Mormons are, like me, considered among the unsaved savage heathens roaming loose, as well. While I was just a simple-minded and stubborn heathen in my rejection of Christ’s love. The Mormons were being actively deceived by you know who. It’s not a real religion, you know. It’s cult operated by SATAN! Can you see now, how this accident maybe happened? I remember once, the Jehovah’s Witnesses paved their parking lot for $40,000 and some damn fool put it in the newspaper. In a small town capitol of the Bible Belt  the general public consensus was, “Wow! Is that really how Jesus would have spent that money?”

Not members of the church commenting, mind you, but outsiders critiquing each other’s celestial spending habits after reading about it in the local newspaper. Well, that’s just the way it is in the Capitol of the Bible Belt. Everything in the paper was public fodder for discussion. Many of the churches would hire off-duty policemen to direct traffic in the mad dash to leave services on Sunday morning and get back to sinning again before Monday comes. It’s okay! They were off-duty officers wearing their official policeman clothes and driving their official policeman cars, with their official blue lights flashing for “public safety!” It wasn’t the church using public services for private services. It was all to protect Me!

But see; if the Methodists have a policeman. The Baptists want one too. The Primitive Baptist don’t want a policeman on theological grounds. Some hold services on Saturday, but we won’t call them out by name. That’s common in the Capitol of the Bible Belt. You know, “them.” The unsaved masses of Mormons, Jews and atheists needing immediate religious redemption. As Mark Twain would put it. “Whenever old Pap’s liquor begun to work on him, he most always went after the Jews.

It usually went something like this. “I’ve got to go by XXXX Auto Parts and pick-up a carburetor.” You know about them, don’t you?  “No, do tell!” They’re Jews! “I’m just going for a carburetor. I’m not planning on converting.” No threats to burn anyone’s house down. Just they’re somehow different from us good, Jesus loving Christians. They don’t love Jesus like we do. There’s something wrong with that, you know? “I don’t believe in Jesus either!” Yeah, well, that’s you! AKA, you’re a worthless sinner beyond redemption, anyway.

I once had an evangelical tell me that Jews shouldn’t be allowed to hold public office. Only true believing Christians should hold office! I asked coyly, “What about me?” Nope! No, Atheists, Agnostics or Jews. “So you’re telling me you worship this Jesus fellow as your Lord and Savior, but he’s not fit to run for dogcatcher?” Oh, no! Jesus could run for office because he’s not a Jew anymore. When he became the Christ, he was saved, and was no longer a Jew. See how that works? Now, lest you think it was you’re your regular sort of anti-Semitism at work, it wasn’t. Not in a traditional sense of Henry Ford hating on the Jews. This was different. There is something wrong with everyone! I was an Atheist; they were Jehovah’s Witness. He was Black and she was Jewish, or he was gay. Equal opportunity bigotry! Stick around, fella, we’ll find out something wrong with you!  

[No Solicitation] plaques or door stickers were meaningless. They aren’t soliciting you, friend! They aren’t trying to sell you something, neighbor. They’re bringing you the greatest gift in the whole wide world. The Good News! And it’s worth getting up out of your sickbed to hear. “Hi, we’re your neighbors you’ve never seen before. Our car is parked down the street and we’re not from around here. Have you heard the Good News?

“Well, now, let’s see. This is the Capitol of the Bible Belt and someone like you knocks on my door at regular intervals, at least once or twice a month for over twenty years. So, I’m going to answer yes to that question! Yes, Ma’am, I have heard the Good News.” The next question was always, Do you have a church you regularly attend? “None of your business.” Oh, of course! I was just wanting to invite you to come  worship with us. “No, you got excited thinking you might could steal a soul for the Lord. Or even better still, have an Elmer Gantry salvation story. “Once, I was a wretch! Now, I’m found! Stop me if you’ve heard this before. But I’m still a wretch, but I’m saved!

I even had it explained to me how the Catholic Church was actually the mother whore of the Apocalypse and my mother and all my relatives were burning in hell right now. The Pope was a tool of the devil. Wanna come to church with us? The Catholic Church is the devil and therefore can’t be a Christian denomination either. The Trump administration made no mistakes, except for a few bible thumpers getting their bigotry exposed.

My wife and I went camping and canoeing once for a week. We drove home on Sunday morning and dumped the canoe and our luggage, and headed for Morrison’s Cafeteria. Any old timer’s out there who still remember Morrison’s? And as we stood in the serving line, the two little old ladies in church clothes in front of us said in a voice loud enough to be heard. “It looks like some people didn’t go to church today! And that’s what it’s like to live in the Capitol of the Bible Belt, Charlie Brown.

It wasn’t a mistake as much as it was a theological statement of principle. You ain’t one of us, because you ain’t good enough and you’ll never will be, because we say so.

“Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion–several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn’t straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother’s path to happiness and heaven….The higher animals have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable taste.”  – Mark Twain