This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

The Ohio State University has settled its long-running molestation scandal case for $100 million. Jim Jordan can finally breathe a sigh of relief; it’s finally all over. The one-time Ohio State “locker room” coach. By the way, what exactly is a locker room coach? Do you work to train the room to do better each season? Give occasional pep talks to and listen to the room’s troubles? No, it involves a lot of towels and athletes, and athletic supporters. Washing machines, dirty socks, dryers, and towel-folding.

Of the 280 students who alleged were molested by the campus doctor in Jim’s locker room, Jim Jordan saw nothing. Literally hundreds of witnesses, except for Jim. He worked there, and technically, It was Jim’s locker room and he was in charge of the locker room. But he saw nothing; he heard nothing. He  didn’t know anything about what was alleged to be going on. Clearly, Jim had watched Hogan’s Heroes before and understood the Sergeant Schultz character.

A lot of people don’t know this: “The Ohio State University” casts a long powerful, shadow in Ohio. If you’ve got a “The” in front of your name, you’re no one to fool around with. Their tentacles are everywhere in the state. A good word or two could open doors to a future undreamed of. Get on the wrong side of the wrong people and they’ll crush you like a bug. “Now, Mr. Jordan, over the years and hundreds of victims, you never heard or saw anything?” No, I saw nothing, nothing! Colonel Hogan!

From glorified towel boy to a US Congressional representative, by God. America is the greatest country in the world! Let me describe Jim’s district for you in Chagrin Falls. It’s the kind of town where they pick up lawn mower parts from the store in the two-year-old Ferrari. They aren’t the fabulously wealthy of Monaco or St. Moritz, but the filthy rich of Ohio. As rich as you can get and still stay in Ohio. “Jim, we’re looking for a man of your vigorous talents to be our next Congress critter. But if elected, you’ve got to promise us you won’t try and do anything. Don’t you ever get to thinking there’s something upstairs besides an attic.

Your Republican Congress held hearings the other day. On Inflation? The War in Iran? High gas prices? Epstein? Well, I suppose those things could be considered important too. But it’s come to the attention of the Republican Congress that certain groups like the Southern Poverty Law Center are picking on some of their favorite hate groups. The Republicans call it a free-speech issue. Groups like the Southern Poverty Law Center are trampling on the free speech rights of hate groups! If Orwell weren’t  dead already, this would kill him.

But what is a hate group? They don’t all look the same; you know. There are many hybrid groups with mainstream positions and sinister by-laws, but you’ll know one when you see one. Mom’s for Liberty says, “We stand for Truth!” That doesn’t leave too much wiggle room in their platform, now does it?

“We are dedicated to fighting for the survival of America by unifying, educating and empowering parents to defend their parental rights at all levels of government.”

Well, Gosh who could disagree with those mainstream beliefs? But it is a modern piece of non-communication. They slam syllables and consonants together with punctuation, but it only means “Astro Turf.” Parental rights to violate the law. Parental rights to ban certain people from school sports. They are fighting for the survival of America! We’re all doomed! Doomed! Hyperbolic enough for you? They want to educate you because obviously you must be stupid, and they must know better. I don’t know if Mom’s is an actual hate group or not, but they have all the makings of a dandy cult started. All they need now is a preacher in mirrored sunglasses.

We fight for truth! All else must be lies. Fighting for the survival of America! Educating and empowering parents to defend their parental right to ignore federal laws and the government. We’re fighting to subvert laws for you! And save America! Before it’s too late! Too late! To save it from LBGTQ and woke transgenders! Can you recognize them now? You can, can’t you?

We fight for truth, and everyone who disagrees with our truth isn’t allowed to participate. You’re not allowed to criticize us because we’re right and have friends in Congress. We’re not a hate group! You’re the hate group! Hating on hate groups is a hate group activity in a Republican Congress. The Republicans decided that the Southern Poverty Law Center needs to stop picking on hate groups. Of course, the Republicans had already decided that before the hearing had started.

A made-up Congress show, “Inherit the Wind,” 2026. Republicans and sex scandals just seem to go together like peas and carrots. Never mind the war, or the inflation, or the high gas prices. The Republicans have your back! Is your hate group being pestered by nagging and nonstop litigation? Call us!

Have you, by any unfortunate circumstances, seen what has become of the White House complex lately? It’s like the White House on the brown acid. Don’t make me look at these things. Appalachian mobile home carnival time! A three-ring circus headed by the orange ringmaster. “Today is my birthday! Happy birthday to me! We’re going to have cake and play pin the tail on Chuck Schumer.” President Trump then announced to the room, “I love the inflation!”

When asked to explain further, President Trump gurgled and choked and meandered until his answer was lost in a fog of geriatric ramblings. Lost in the mental woods without a compass until his answer just ran away in a dream.

Is this the dagger which I see before me. The handle towards my hand? Come, let me clutch thee. I have thee not, and yet I see thee still, Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible to feeling as to sight? Or art thou a dagger of the mind, a false creation. Proceeding from the heat oppressed brain. – William Shakespeare