This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Let’s call it the geriatric who cried peace. Mr. Trump’s accumulating lies regarding Iran and peace leave the public unimpressed, as if they’ve heard it all before. “Peace is in the bag! Any minute now. Here it comes! Get ready!” Until when they finally announce a signed agreement, you tend to discount the event. “Yeah, sure you did!” Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me 96 times in three months, and I must be a Republican.

What happened to the signing ceremony in Switzerland? What happened to JD’s big chance to look presidential? See? Mr. Trump didn’t want to do it himself, but couldn’t stand the idea of someone else in the spotlight. How can we sign the agreement? We could do it electronically? “No! Not that! Not” (scary music)” the autopen!” The peace talks are off to a raging start when the two sides can’t even meet in the same room together. And instead sign the memorandum of understanding by VeriSign. The old autopen! [note: Quickie signing ceremony was staged in Evian prompted by the autopen story]

We’ll gee, fellas, now that the deal is signed, spill. What’s in this here memorandum of understanding? Understanding what? What are we understanding? “None of your business!” It’s a secret, if you ask the Trump administration, but if you ask anyone else involved you can get the gist of it.

Both sides agree to open the Strait of Hormuz. Iran will immediately be able to sell oil and gas. Those sanctions go right out the window, when the prices get this high at the pump. It’s all so very self-centered and one-dimensional. “How does this help us? Screw the world!” The future of the Iranian missile program? Who knows? We’ll talk about it in August, maybe! The Iranian nuclear program? [See: Above] It seems Iran got everything it wanted. Sanctions relief, check. The US is not shooting or dropping bombs anymore. But every Happy Meal needs a toy!

It’s like watching a toddler try to do something cute. When asked if any money had changed hands, the administration insisted, no! Us? Oh heavens no, you can’t prove anything! You see, there is this little fund originated by the Gulf States, and Iran just happens to be uniquely qualified for these loans under special circumstances. Payoff? No! Of course not! Slush fund?  Well, no, not really. But did Big Daddy Trump kick into this here fund? We don’t happen to have those records handy at this time. This is the governmental equivalent of leaving the ransom money in a brown paper bag in the trash can in the park. Plausible deniability!

No pictures, no formal signing ceremony. Up to 300 billion dollars headed towards old Tehran town, but not from us, mind you, oh no, not from us. It’s from those crazy Gulf-states. You know how they like to throw their money around! It’s legit! See? We all went in together to buy off Iran. Everybody kicked in a little. How much did the United States contribute? What’s that you say, JD? Did you say $100 billion? A hundred billion plus the $300 billion? We don’t have those figures handy at this time. This is the best thing to happen to Iran since Jed struck a bubbling crude. Wow, 400 billion and I was stunned with a puny 24 billion. That’s the story of my life; I never dream big enough. Stupid me would have taken the 24 billion and been happy.

Remember, as Mr. Trump so likes to point out, that these are the third stratum Mullahs. The ones who aren’t rich yet. Well, I mean, they’re rich now. But they weren’t rich day before yesterday. What a career! Three months ago, they were plowing the fields and preaching to the hicks in the minor leagues, and now they’re getting billions thrown at them! All they have to do in this deal is to be quiet and not embarrass you know who. He’s real sensitive about criticism, you know! So, don’t hurt his feelings!

So the deal is that the strait is “now” open, Iran gets sanction relief, Iran gets to sell oil and Iran gets 300 billion from those wacky Gulf-states and Uncle Sugar kicks in an extra hundred billion. Then everything else goes back to the way it was before Mr. Trump started that damn senseless and pointless war. Mr. Trump gets political cover and won’t have the muss and fuss of a formal surrender ceremony and admitting who was wrong and who owes who money. It’s like no-fault car insurance. We just exchange information and go on our way. I can’t say for sure that I know what it is.

I only know what it looks and smells like, it looks like a payoff. My suspicions are only intensified when the team Trump doesn’t want to talk about it. The war is over! That’s all you need to concern yourself with. Everything is great! The reflecting pool is green, and God’s in his heaven. “Don’t worry Boss, we’ll pour these chemicals in and fix that right up!” This won’t hurt the new pool paint, will it? “What’s pool paint, Boss?”

A news report says, Mr. Trump was informed by the contractor his blitzed-out ballroom would cost at least 600 million dollars, three weeks before telling the American public $300 million, and it wouldn’t cost us a cent! (See: Senility for Fun and Profit) It’s easy to assume Mr. Trump was just lying. But on a deeper level, it gives us insight into how a man goes broke running a casino. Mr. Trump has no head for figures, unless they’re under sixteen.

Mr. Trump goes hog wild in his ballroom, which is rapidly turning into the grounded Death Star. With a hospital and a military command post, McDonalds and nuclear bunker! And God knows what else. The event symbolizes and synthesizes the entire Trump administration. Everything they touch turns into a filthy hole in the ground. While signing peace agreements between the dinner plates Mr. Trump also signed off on ceasing Israel’s war in Lebanon. (I wonder did he asked anybody?)

A wealthy and more powerful Iranian leadership who must look to the locals like Marvel Super-Heroes. They’ve humbled the Great Satan and brought their country liberation, and a new found wealth and pride. Ask any Iranian, who runs the Strait of Hormuz now? Ask any Iranian, who runs the Persian Gulf now? Ask any Saudi, who runs the Persian Gulf now? Ask any Omani or Qatari?

Unlike the Fall of Saigon there were no helicopters airlifting refugees off the embassy roof. But US power in the Persian Gulf is in decline, no differently than an evacuation. How stupid would a Gulf-States leader have to be to take Donald Trump’s word for anything?

A new powerful Iran in the region. “What are you going to do? Call the United States to come help you? Ha, ha, ha, ha! A new strategic theater has opened. If you thought the Persian Gulf was a mess with the United States, wait until you see it without the US. Sunset at camp Mar-A-Lago!

“I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it.”  ― Voltaire