This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

That’s right! It was a “This Carbon-Based Life” media scoop. Who told you yesterday, before the major media, that the paint was peeling in the reflecting pool? Who told you from two thousand miles away from Washington? I did! I guessed it logically out of pure Trump experience. I asked myself, (WWDTD?) What would Donald Trump do? He’d hire some sketchy guys to run down to Home Depot and buy a couple of hundred gallons of blue house paint. Whatever is on sale.

Of course, I’m happy I guessed it. It validates my Trump radar to have guessed it. The contractor? Checks cashed and probably left the country by now. I’m not happy we all got ripped off again in another Trump swindle. Attention: Trump Mobile customers. It appears some phones may have an incorrect number of stripes on the American flag. Test Question: How did this happen? The Trump University of hard knocks is open, and I just passed the test! Of course the paint is peeling. Haven’t you been studying?

Site preparation perhaps? Maybe try a primer first? The paint is coming off in great sheets. The paint swathes look exceptionally thick. A common amateur mistake that site prep is unnecessary if you put the paint on thick enough. Chances are, if the paint is coming up this soon, it’s all coming up. All 14 million dollar’s worth. I take no credit for any extra smarts in this deal other than a little painting experience, and full Donald Trump experience. Even a blind nut finds a squirrel sometimes. Like Iran, it’s a total loss.

As the details of Trump’s surrender to Iran began to circulate on Capitol Hill, the mood was dark. It may be, it could be, Donald Trump has finally broken the Republican Party, once and for all. Trump lickspittle Senator Lindsey Graham ran from reporters muttering under his breath, “Peace is better than war.” Which, of course, is true, but utter defeat is still a hard pill to swallow. Senator Graham was ready to defend any Trump peccadillo. Corruption, little girl scandals, but not this time. This was Lindsey’s best means of support for Donald Trump right now. Run! Run away fast! Donald Trump has finally screwed the pooch. Run! Run away fast! Flee, for the hills!  

Among our legislators, there is real bipartisan, universal anger and disapproval at Trump’s surrender document. Donald has finally brought us all together. Now, everyone hates him. Even Fox News has abandoned him. It’s awfully hard to spin a surrender. The deal gives Iran 300 billion from the Gulf-States and allows Americans to voluntarily kick into the fund, if they like. Anyone out there feeling charitable towards the Iranians? I didn’t think so. But the Iranians can sell their oil again and the sanctions have all gone bye-bye.

The memorandum of understanding only promises to talk. No deals have been made on any issues yet. No promises of capitulation have been made by Iran. We’re buying Iran off! We’re paying them to reopen the Strait of Hormuz. We’re paying Iran to allow us quietly to slink away. Paying them to let Donald Trump off the public hook. But Donald Trump said he feared being remembered as another Herbert Hoover. I’m impressed! If we had bet money Donald Trump knew who Herbert Hoover was, I would have lost. Other than George Washington, I didn’t think Don knew of any other presidents besides Biden and Obama. Trump couldn’t shine Mr. Hoover’s shoes.

But the Don is in Biggus Dickus territory now. As the defeat has exposed him, and the Iranians are laughing up their sleeves. Republican stalwart John Bolton says, “Iran played Trump like a violin.” We may have lost the family cow, but we gained a big handful of magic beans! Senator Thune asked, “What if Iran doesn’t hold up its end of the deal?” What, are they crazy? Christmas every day and they get everything they ever wanted, and you’re afraid the won’t stick to it? Why wouldn’t they stick to it? All they have to do is nothing and not make fun of Mr. Trump publicly and count their money quietly.

I think the government of Israel has gotten their Hard Knocks degree from good old Trump U. They went into the war together and suddenly, Donald Trump walked out alone. Test Question: If the situation became precarious, would Donald Trump sell out his allies?  A. Yes! B. Yes! C. All Obama’s fault. I’m really surprised the Israelis missed that one. Donald just shut the door in his allies face as he made a deal with their devil. There are going to be some repercussions and some hard feelings in the future about this one. Face it! Admit it! You fucked up! You trusted Donald Trump, and that’s a freshman error, that is.

The corpse is too big to bury. Donald Trump has finally reached his full fuck-up potential. His friends and allies are on the run. This is bad medicine. You would think a president involved up to his eyeballs in a pedophilia scandal couldn’t top that! But Donald Trump says, “Hold my beer!” He has destabilized one of the most dangerous regions on the planet and left our only ally standing out in the cold. There is no other way to describe it. An unmitigated foreign policy disaster and the most dangerous event of our lifetimes.

But you just can’t keep a good country down. The Tartan Army of Scotland arrived in Boston for the World Cup. They drank the town dry in 48 hours. Wow, what a way to make an impression! One Scotsman said famously, “They’re out of beer! They’ve nothing left but Bud Light!” I imagine some marketing manager will probably get fired over that. They’re out of beer! Nothing left but this Bud shit!

Lines waiting outside of Waffle House. The Waffle House! Mexican restaurants and barbecue joints jammed with two-hour waits! Europeans touring Walmart and enjoying air the conditioning. Marveling at the giant stadiums, big cars and trucks! An American asked a Brit sitting in SOFI Stadium. So what’s Wembley Stadium like? The Brit answered, “You’d be disappointed.” Even Donald Trump can’t ruin America, though it appears he tries sometimes. Sometimes strangers can tell you more about America than Americans can. They’ve being scalped on tickets. Overcharged for hotels. Gouged on drink prices and having the time of their lives!

“This is our country here as far as you can see no matter which way you walk or no matter what spot of it you stand on. And when you have crossed her as many times as I have you will see as many ugly things about her as pretty things You will hear whole gangs of travelers and settlers arguing about her.
What she is, how she come to be, what you are supposed to do here. and you will hear some argue at you That she is so beautiful you are supposed to spend your life just feeling her pretty parts, Sucking in her sweetest breezes and tasting her fairest odors, looking at her brightest colored scenes,

And I would say that gang has the wrong notion. And there are some bunches that tell you she is all ugly and all dirty, that there is nothing good about her, nothing free, nothing clean, that she is all slums, shacks, rot, filth, stink, and bad odors, loud words of bitter flavors.

Well, this herd is big and I heard them often and I heard them loud, but I come to think that they too was just as wrong as the first outfit. Because I seen the pretty and I seen the ugly and it was because I knew the pretty part that I wanted to change the ugly part, Because I hated the dirty part that I knew how to feel the love for the cleaner part, I looked in a million of her faces and eyes, and I told myself there was a look on that face that was good, if I could see it there, in back of all of the shades and shadows of fear and doubt and ignorance and tangles of debts and worries. – Woody Guthrie