This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Tomorrow is Double Trump Tuesday at America’s State Fair! With a full itinerary of double Trump dump Tuesday activities.

5:30 am. Sunrise services w/ the Kansas City box cutter’s union singing, “Nearer thy Trump to thee!” Followed by the Rev. Coy D. Alias with his sermon “What a wonderful world we have here in Trump.”

6:15 to 6:20 am. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent will give a motivational speech. “For Whom the Bus Tolls.” Here comes the bus! What do I do next?

6:30 to 7:30 am. Breakfast with Fox News. Staged interviews and lively breaking news and scripted conversations with no breakfast. Does this look like a charity or a free kitchen to you? It’s breakfast with the folks at home, not with you!

7:30 to 8:00 am. Swimming with Jesus, Baptisms for Breakfast. Free Baptisms! (Warning: some further obligations may apply) New Christians also receive a free chicken biscuit from Chick-a Fila and a five dollar off coupon from Hobby Lobby!

7:30 to 8:30 am. Trolling for Suckers! A fun and spirited contest where contestants pay hundreds of dollars for a chance to win largely worthless Trump swag. The contest is hosted by “Mr. Ugly Wife himself, Ted Cruz! “Ah, Ted, for three hundred Trump cyber coins and the Trump mobile phone, I’d like to guess the puzzle. Is it Eric? “No, I’m sorry, the correct answer was salamander. A lizard left over from the Cretaceous period.”

8:30 to 9:30 Synchronized American flag waving and adoration.

9:30 to 10:00 am. (Finals!) Synchronized American flag waving and adoration.

10:30 to 11:30 am. (Main Arena) It’s “How much do you love Donald Trump, Really?” Contestants literally fight it out in a mixed martial arts cage match arena. (Scouts on scene!) How much do you Really love Donald Trump? It’s time to prove it! It’s time to put up or shut up!

11:00 am. Mid-morning prayer and worship service. Let us give thanks unto the Lord for the midmorning!

12:00 Lunch! “Let’s all go to the lobby! Let’s all go to the lobby, Let’s all go to the lobby to buy ourselves some overpriced food and drinks. Twenty-dollar cheeseburgers! Yum! Six-dollar corn dogs! Gimme two! One just isn’t enough to fill all the empty spaces in my soul. Gimme one of those six-dollar soft drinks, mister! Mmm, I’m thirsty!

12:00  to 1:00 pm. Lunchtime with Fox News! “Oh, no, I’m not falling for that one again!

1:00 to 2:00 pm. (Main Stage) Live entertainment! The first annual Donald Trump look-alike contest! And for the kids! Draw funny pictures of Michelle Obama!  

2:00 to 3:00 pm Cook! Cook! Cook! Without any shade available and few places to sit down, a group of hapless seniors tries to avoid sunstroke and heat exhaustion protected with only a simple cardboard American flags held overhead as cover! Who will be the last? Who will make it? “Oh, say, can you see!”

2:00 to 3:00  pm. Invisibility contest! If you don’t see anyone milling around this afternoon, it means the contest went really well!

3:00 to 4:00 pm “How great are his monuments!” An architectural discussion led by noted architect Ilene Sorta. To tell us about the importance of pointless political monuments in a modern post-apocalyptic landscape.  

4:00 to 5:00 pm. Talking crime with Krash Patel. Mr. Patel will explain the ins and outs of running a modern FBI bureau while passing in and out. Watch as he begins to sweat relentlessly. His mouth begins to water; as his hand trembles just a mite as he counts the precious and terrible minutes towards the final five o’clock hour of libation and liberation. A prisoner encased in a glass prison. (John Barleycorn Must Die)

5:00 pm Miller Time! Fox News evacuates its shanty like someone phoned in a bomb threat.

5:00 pm Dinner time! Do you have any of that three hundred dollars left over from lunch?

5:00pm Evening worship and prayer service! Oh, what a great joy we have at five o’clock!

5:30 pm to closing. (Finals!) Invisibility contest!

Tomorrow! RFK Jr, sings the natural Anthem!

“When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.”
― Mark Twain