This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

I think there should be a rule. You can’t take credit for peace if you started the war yourself. It’s sort of like rewarding the arsonist. It is amazing, but not surprising. And our top story tonight: a dangerous heat dome over Topeka! And then, the little dog bit the mailman! No news? We are at war; you know? Anything happening on that front? My gas tank and wallet really want to know. Oh, I get it! Don’t talk about Mr. Trump’s unpopular war!

It’s the exact same story as the last TWO times. According to the memo ran dumb of disparagement signed twice by Mr. Trump and his administration. Once by autopen and then once more in Evian. Iran is in control of the Strait of Hormuz. End of story. The US signed an agreement that it has no intention of following. With the agreement of the US, the Iranians have established a transit route they want followed. Notice is fairly given by example of what happens when not following the instructions in a war zone. Caution: Going this way could be hazardous to your health.

Why do marginally sane ship captains violate posted orders and risk their ship and its company? Is the risk of getting caught that small? It’s just hard to process why, after being warned of the consequences and seeing the examples, the boss would encourage them to “Go for it boys! Good luck fellas!” It just doesn’t sound like the strong basis of a sound business strategy. They must be receiving encouragement from somewhere? Maybe it’s the Continental Inter-shipping Agency.

It reminds me of a Howard Hughes story where Hughes showed up at the Sands hotel in Vegas and demanded his usual block of rooms. They answered, “We’re sorry, Mr. Hughes, but they’ve already been rented to Frank Sinatra.” Hughes answered,  well throw them out! When the manager refused, Hughes walked away but returned an hour later. He told the manager, I just bought this hotel, now throw them out! Just then the phone rang in the manager’s office.

Here at Honest Uncle Sam’s boat brokerage we’ll buy any tanker about to be hit by an Iranian missile (If it’s going the wrong way) And on top of that! We’ll pay your insanely high insurance premium! You save! Save! Save! Something or somebody has to be motivating this. If you go this way, we’ll wave and say bye! But if you go the other way, we’ll try to kill you! Which way are you going? It must be some powerful, strong Harry Potter-type motivation to go the other way. Zombie ship captains or something!

The US pounces, hitting Iran 140 times in the same failed strategy that lost them the war last time. “We’re literally dumping billions of dollars in hi-tech weaponry largely to make the rubble bounce and prove nothing! This administration has no understanding of asymmetrical war. Famously, Mr.Trump missed Vietnam, and Pistol Pete Hegseth was still pooping in his Pampers. They know nothing about the twenty-year bombing campaign of Vietnam, and we didn’t win there, Pete.

Whether Mr. Trump is crazy enough is a given. What is unknown here is the Pentagon stupid enough to inject 17,000 Marines recently moved to the Philippines? Would he? Would he take a failed strategy to the next level? The Trump move that broke the camel’s back, maybe? Open war in the Persian Gulf? (Yes! It is appropriate at this time to mention, “We told you so!”) The administration seems wedded to a philosophy of continuing escalation. It didn’t work so well last time, so let’s double it everyday until they say uncle!

Generals fighting the last war. Cratering their runways doesn’t stop them from launching drones. Blowing up the TV station doesn’t stop them from launching missiles. It’s not like the old days with big trucks with antennas going round and round. In the words of the late General Custer, “It seems they knew we were coming.” The fact that after the pounding the US has already given Iran. That Iran so freely has launched missiles tells you that strategy isn’t working. Another day or week or two isn’t going to change it. I guess it’s a secret and I’m not supposed to say anything. But after the US had hit 140 Iranian targets. The forbidden media story about the Iranian missiles falling in Dubai and Qatar, and all across the region. [Not for release in the Untied Snakes]

Asymmetrical warfare, the Iranians can’t strike the US so every time you hit Iran they’re going to hit your friends and neighbors! It’s going to be more difficult to obtain a ceasefire this time as the administration has proven its signature isn’t worth the paper it’s written on or auto-penned on! Can it really be the malignant narcissist who got his nose tweaked is out seeking revenge? You know Mr. Trump as well as I do, would he do that?

 Thank goodness we have a Duh fence secretary wise and competent and cool under pressure to hold Mr. Trump back! The administration went into this war all Billy Badass and then they discovered that this dog bites hard. Suddenly they were all paddling their canoes backwards trying to escape the trap. Momentarily, they realized their strategy wasn’t working and sued for peace. They got their memo ran dumb, and the Strait was reopened for traffic. It was like they accepted the terms of surrender without fully understanding them.

Or could it be that the entire memorandum was nothing but a cheap ploy to get the Strait of Hormuz open again? The United States has violated the terms of the memorandum three times over control of the Strait. Watch carefully after the midterms. As Donald Trump, the wartime President, uses his special new wartime powers!

But of all Donald Trump’s most frightening moves are his physical movements worrying me the most. The other day in Europe, Mr. Trump slowly shuffled to the podium, barely lifting his feet. On his arrival at the microphone was the sound like someone struggling to breathe. Not bad struggling to breathe, but getting there. Go get Grandpa’s oxygen generator for him right next to his walker. All of his old sleepy Joe remarks have now faded from President Methuselah’s lexicon. Mr. Trump would still say them if only he could still remember them. Mr. Trump’s wit has been ground down on the lathe of Father Time.

“I call him a Dumb-o-crat! Say! I just thought that up! I must be a genius or something! Some people didn’t know that about electricity.”

Mr. Trump has assembled a cast of weak-kneed, spineless sycophants. When the roll is called up yonder, Mr. Trump’s name won’t be there. But he prefers a warmer climate, anyway. But this administration of his is so overburdened with criminals, thieves, and social climbers. That if poor Mr. Trump ever left us for the next world, I fear his administration would simply implode. Or, maybe, JD Vance could unite them all and keep them all in line? (Just kidding!)

“A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.” ― Hunter S. Thompson,