This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Rest in peace, Lindsey Graham. A man who spent decades trying to make America better and finally accomplished it. But remember, like my mother used to say; “death comes in threes.” If I lived in Washington’s lights and was over seventy, I’d watch myself. But if my name was Mitch McConnell? You’d have to be old enough to remember the old “Soviet” ways.

In “Soviet” times, important people in the government would sometimes suddenly disappear from public life. Only to reappear months or years later, identified in a hospital or sanitarium. They were real sick and needed prompt medical assistance. They’ll be fine, thanks for asking! Entire hospitals with bars on the windows filled with the politically unwell. I’m not saying Mitch is locked up in a cell somewhere in a stress position. I’m only saying that in the oddest political environment in all of American history. Political disappearances shouldn’t be allowed to flourish.

So where’s Mitch? You know, when Ronnie Ray Gun got shot, they showed us Polaroid photos of Ray Gun sitting up and eating ice cream in bed and walking in the hall in his bathrobe. See: he’s getting better! Then, a telephone interview: “I’m feeling much better! Thanks for all the cards and letters!”

You know, sometimes they’ll even hold a press conference in the basement of the hospital. And some important-looking doctor or hospital official will appear at the lectern, looking very prominent and serious, and begin an exhaustive explanation using medical terminology most wouldn’t understand. Nope? No doctor? No Polaroid photo? No explanation? I hate feeling like this and being like this. Don’t you find this odd? Two Republican congress critters said they spoke with Mitch. He’s feeling much better, thank you, and raring to get back to work! A CNN reporter and former staffer said, Mitch called him! He’s feeling much better, thank you, and raring to get back to work!

I understand that being sick in the hospital is no time to have your damn picture taken. But for a United States Senator? Comb his hair and knock the crust out of his eyes, wipe the drool off his mouth, smile and take the photo. I mean, they say he’s much better, right? Why didn’t he call Fox News instead? What station do Mitch’s constituents like to watch? “Oh, right, that was Mitch’s friend!” So no independent witnesses have seen the United States Senator actually breathing in over a month? If they can keep Mitch breathing until near the midterms. Kentucky Republicans won’t have to call a special election. They also serve who sleep deeply and have little brainwave activity.

It is all just so odd, like the Invasion of the Pod People. Everyone is behaving strangely about this. No photo of Mitch smiling and drinking his orange juice? Mitch thanks his well-wishers? Do you know they found Mitch unconscious and unresponsive and began CPR? Time elapsed before being found, unknown. For a person 84 years old, let’s be honest about what that means. Permanent brain damage is a possibility. If Senator McConnell is disabled, it should be disclosed to the public. Lest people like me start becoming imaginative and paranoid about the actions of people like them.

How do we know anything is true? How do we know they found him on the floor? How do we know Mitch didn’t find the Epstein videos? And then, paramedics in black ninja outfits broke down the door and spirited Mitch away in their special black ambulance to the special black hospital to save his life! That’s what secrecy does. My personal suspicion says he’s about near Rosebud time. Mitch knows his job and he would have made public contact…if he could.

I was originally tipped off by a Fox News story (Always listen for what they don’t say!) Fox described Mitch being found unconscious. Then they described the controversy about Mitch’s prolonged public disappearance. Then, they calmly explained, “He’s feeling much better, thank you, and raring to get back to work!” Strange Fox should spend three minutes of airtime on a story without a grain of factual evidence. Why did they spend three minutes telling us of the controversy? Because it’s not true! “He’s feeling much better, thank you, and raring to get back to work!”

That’s almost better than seeing Mitch. Fox News reassures us, he’s fine and raring to get back to work. Everyone says nearly verbatim the same message. Either Mitch gave everyone the exact same message, or made them swear allegiance to the verbiage. Or someone else gave them the message. “Say this, don’t say that.” Not since Woodrow Wilson’s stroke or Eisenhower’s heart attack has a high-ranking government official disappeared with a cover story. Now, Mitch is 84 and if mortality has intervened due to natural causes, it is perfectly understandable. But covering up a terminal situation for political reasons is a crime. Mitch can be as private as he likes, but the office belongs to the people of Kentucky.

I’m just cynical ever since they painted the bottom of the reflecting pool with “Flex-Seal!” [As Seen on TV!] You know can fix a leaking gutter or a leaking window screen with it. You can fix that hole in your Jon boat with it! Funny story, you’re gonna laugh when I tell you this. Flex-Seal is $79.95 a gallon. Actual epoxy sealant and pool paint is $300 per gallon. Any questions? You’re going to save stacks and stacks of money!

Unless, of course, it doesn’t stick and all comes up and floats to the surface. Me! Living in an age where the cheap executive can declare imaginary beings tore up the reflecting pool. A story made up out of whole cloth! And the media pretends it’s all as real and not a rant from the court of the Crimson Queen. People were actually arrested and really booked on wholly imaginary charges for a crime which never, ever occurred. We all watched as they poured gallon after gallon of hydrogen peroxide into the pool. But we’re supposed to forget that we saw that? Criminals everyone! They damaged the pool, they did! Do you understand? Criminals did it!

I guess if they will lie straight to our face and tell us things officially that we saw with our own damn eyes aren’t true, all bets are off. You never know; there could be a wave of sudden disappearances.

“In keeping silent about evil, in burying it so deep within us that no sign of it appears on the surface, we are implanting it, and it will rise up a thousand fold in the future. When we neither punish nor reproach evildoers, we are not simply protecting their trivial old age, we are thereby ripping the foundations of justice from beneath new generations.” ― Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn