This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

A tiny little mouse cried out, “We’re still open to negotiations, ya know.” Who said that? “I did, and I’m the Secretary of State around here sometimes. The language of de’tant requires nuance and subtlety. “We’re still open to negotiations, ya know.” Forbes had some “policy expert” genius dropping similar hints. Oh, I suppose the time has come for negotiations. The administration is signaling they’re growing tired and ready to quit. “Have you guys learned your lesson yet? We can stop if you want. Anytime you guys are ready! We’re more than willing to stop.

If you’re prepared to be reasonable, so are we. But their anxiety and their clumsy handling belie the hidden truth. They just don’t understand it. According to this Raytheon missile brochure, the Iranians should have surrendered five days ago. Mr. Trump vacillates. Struck with the dictator’s lament, when at war his fear overtakes him. When at peace, he longs for the glory of war. The authoritarian “Oh, yeah! Take that! I’ll put an aircraft carrier up your ass!” But like a parked taxi, the meter is running and they aren’t going anywhere. Just stacking up the bills.

Rumor has it that the Pentagon, yes the Pentagon, has lit the “low money” light. “See Congress immediately!” Okay, boys, let’s wrap this thing up. We’re running out of muh, muh, muh, money! The arsenal is depleted, and the Pentagon is broke. Come on America, it’s okay to emerge from the closet and say it out loud. “I fucking knew something like this would happen!” That Donald Trump would somehow fuck up the whole world! Let it all out; it’ll help you to feel better.

But in the words of Dr. Suess, is he done fucking up the world? Oh no, oh dear no, he’s only just begun. I’ve heard of some stupid and frightening ideas in my life. I lived through Nixon, for Christ’s sake, and I carry the scars. I lived through Ray Gun. Up until this current cast of conniving, conspiratorial cadre and criminal cross-section of the American clown population. They never saw an oil well they didn’t love. Cut down the old-growth national forests? Sure, why not? We can sell the timber to the politically well-connected (wink, wink) at fair market prices, of course.

Star Wars, you loved the film! Now pay through the nose as a taxpayer! Ray gun spent billions and was going to put lasers in outer space. You see how well that worked out. Sure, it failed miserably, but we had to try anyway. Ray gun thought the best way to fight the Soviet Red menace was with reconditioned WW2 battleships. Fuel hungry obsolete hulls, doing the same job a destroyer could do for a tenth of the price. Sure, it’s stupid and any group of average Americans chosen at random could see that. But inside the onion, you only see the next layer. But as they say; “that ain’t nothing, mama!”

During the Cheney/Bush years, they came up with a real dilly of an idea. What if, we took one of our Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles and we took out the nukes and replaced them with conventional explosives? Then, we could strike anywhere on the planet in forty-five minutes! That’s a great idea! It’s unstoppable! Then everyone will have to do whatever we say, or else Bluey! Why didn’t we think of this sooner?

Yes? Do you have a question? “Say we fired this ICBM at, I don’t know, North Korea. How would, say, a nuclear adversary, like say China, know this wasn’t a nuclear-tipped missile headed in their general direction?” We’d tell them it wasn’t! “What if they don’t believe you? And they fired a nuclear response, just to be on the safe side. I’m sure that’s in their rulebook somewhere: never just take the enemy’s word for anything. It took Pentagon generals threatening to quit to eventually scuttle the idea.

Let’s review; we’re currently fighting a war to stop Iran from possessing a nuclear weapon, right? We don’t want a nuclear weapon to fall into the wrong hands, right? We’re willing to fight a war to stop Iran and now we’re willing to assist Saudi-Arabia in its nuclear ambitions, right? Fun Fact: Saudi Arabia and Iran have been at odds for generations. If for one minute Iran thought Saudi Arabia had a nuclear program, they’d start building that bomb faster than you could say nuclear erector set.

Let’s consider this fairly. A nuclear armed Persian Gulf. Is that a good thing for the world? An absolutely disastrous idea. Deliciously stupid and ensconced in the pitfalls of a large royal family with money and access to guns. Here at the Trump Mart, everything is for sale, everything has a price. Even a peaceful with no intention of building a bomb, clandestine nuclear program. You can trust us!

Israel built a bomb and then bombed Iraq to stop Saddam from building a bomb. Saddam feared Iran was building a bomb. Into this neighborhood enter Donald Trump. He proposes we allow the Saudis a safe, and peaceful nuclear program. The Israelis lied; Iran lied, too. Saddam lied when he insisted his nuclear plans were purely peaceful. The Saudis assure us they have nothing but peaceful intentions. And I believe them too, don’t you? After all, what’s few beheading in the public square on Fridays. Lot’s of civilized countries do that!

The back pages are filled with dark stories of the Saudis trying to clandestinely purchase a bomb. But everyone was too afraid to sell them one. Consider that! The crazy guy in the neighborhood is too crazy to sell a gun to because they fear he’s crazy enough to use it on them. Even the money grubbing Kim, Fat Slob in North Korea was afraid of dealing with the Saudis. As they say, “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.”

This is kind of like the “Where’s Waldo” game. Except it’s called “Who Would Be Stupid Enough?” I’ll give you the clues and you try and figure out who this exceptionally stupid person is!  Who on planet Earth is Stupid Enough to give the Saudis a “peaceful, oh my goodness yes, a peaceful nuclear program.” He lives in North America! Likes Mixed Martial Arts on the lawn! Buries his ex-wives on the Golf course. Give up?

“Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”
― Groucho Marx