This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

The other day, I received the following Substack post. “I got 4,000 subscribers in just four months!” And then, of course, the obligatory, “And you can too!” It reminded me of those ads you used to see in the back of boys’ magazines. “I made $10,000 raising earthworms in the backyard, in my spare time!” and of course, here it comes. “And you can too!” Earn Big Money! raising woodchucks! Learn welding! Build your own TV set and save!

What are you looking for here, and what are you trying to sell? Are you here to create and sell content or product? See our merchandizing website. Special this month on our branded “This Carbon-Based Life” hoodies and sandalwood candles! Big discounts! Use our special discount code for extra savings! [1-0-0-1-0 ] Order Now! Supplies are limited. Sorry, no rainchecks!

Let’s call it Catch-22B. In this business, few turds rise to the top. And to reach that lofty pinnacle, you have to largely sell or give away your own principles. You work for the boss; you sell the boss’s principles. It’s like being tied up and squirming to break loose. Today, we’re selling floor jacks, people! Who has some good ideas for some juicy floor jack content? Natural Funerals? 1,200 words, fifty bucks, and now on to those floor jacks or inline roller skates or horoscopes. The higher you go the more you must give away.

Ernie Pyle never made any money doing this. Hunter Thompson never made any real big money until later in his life. They just didn’t merchandise properly or put up a paywall. They thought in the old days, that they would be judged on the caliber of their work. They didn’t know shit about bots. Or keywords or algorithms. They didn’t even know what an “organic” subscriber was. An actual human person making initial contact without outside stimulation or motivation directing them to your website. (See: Lots of Naked Chicks!) A few times a year, I get an email or notice strange activity on the website.

Want more subscribers? Huh, huh? Raise Earthworms! Learn Electronics! Send money and we will promise you more non-organic subscribers than you can shake a stick at. Five, or maybe even ten thousand. It all depends on you chum[p]. What would I do with all those non-organic subscribers? $$$$! If you sell ad space, you do sell ad space, don’t you? The more subscribers you have, the more $$$$ you can make! Even if none of them ever read a damn word of your content! America! What a country! Huh?

Don’t you want to make it to the top of the rock? Don’t you want to be a big, big success like you’d always dreamed of? Get out your debit card and start today! I had a website that cost me $100 per year and I netted $116. (Clever bastards!) If I were doing this to get rich, I’d be raising earthworms in the backyard right now. The money and the jobs are all on the other side. Fox News advertises regularly for their low-pay staff-writing positions. See? There are plenty of jobs for ambitious writers. It’s a foot in the door, isn’t it? All you have to do is give away the very reason you started writing. Righting wrongs and soothing outrage! Yeah, right!

Few interns apply, lest they be painted with that broad Fox News brush and have their young careers destroyed in their infancy. “Will train! You bet!” Other networks get free interns; Fox has to pay writers. It doesn’t matter who the man is, you’re going to have to pay the man. You can’t say that word here. Without serious corrections, we will not consider publishing this! Maybe you see where I’m going here? I’m Free! In more ways than just one! I’m free to say whatever I actually think! Pocket mining for subscribers the old-fashioned way, one by one.

No corporate sponsors to please and no suggestions to include a plug for the sponsor’s product. “Wouldn’t a fresh hot cup of coffee taste good right now?” Don’t say “fat,” say gravitationally impaired. 46.4% of fat people find that term offensive. If and I’ll be the first to admit it. But you do realize, if this blog ever blew up, I’d have government men in plain unmarked Fords parked across the street from my house, with those little radio antennas mounted on the trunk lid.

I’m only safe if I keep the circle small. Too much light brings heat! There is an underground symbol I incorporate into my website to denote its NON-corporate status. I don’t ask you to like and subscribe. Everybody asks you to like and subscribe! Even scammers ask you to like and subscribe. Even the church asks you to like and subscribe, but I repeat myself. “Give your heart to Jesus, but don’t forget to give us a like and subscribe.” But I have this non-corporate, almost Amish abhorrence of the practice. It’s not that I’m lazy, though that could be a contributing factor.

I credit you, my dear readers, with enough walking around sense to like and subscribe, if you want to. I won’t press. I don’t want any sympathy likes or pity subscribers. Just because I asked and put you on the spot. “Isn’t your blind date pretty?” There’s something to be said about not constantly begging for money on the Internet. It’s strange, I know I guess. I guess I’d starve as a tent preacher. Preaching of the $acred word. Brother Timothy will now pass the hat among you.

It’s just hard for me to ask for money. You have enough problems. Suzy needs a new dress for reform school, and Bobby needs bail money again. As long as I have enough tins of cat food to keep my stomach full, I won’t ask. In fact, while using recreational drugs one time, a suitable solution came to me. Rather than millions of the poor people sending a dollar or two. Find me one generous billionaire with loose bookkeeping skills just to give me one big check and maybe a card. From all of us.

But, I’m not here for the money. (what money?) Writing is like a heroin addiction, without the nice warm buzz. After a time, you have to do it or go into withdrawal. Some people do it for love. Some people do it for money. Some people do it because they have to do it. They are compelled by inner demons they’ve awoken long ago, that won’t ever let them remain silent even if they never make a dime from it. Authenticity, huh? An interesting niche marketing strategy to go with, the Un-Cola! David, literally throwing rocks at Goliath. You’ll never get rich that way!

“Only laughter can blow [a colossal humbug] to rags and atoms at a blast.” – Mark Twain