This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Why would they ever say such a thing? I mean, sure, it’s all propaganda and all that, but still. This is just weird. Centcom announced that owing to a shortage of interceptor missiles. The US will no longer be defending against “all” incoming missiles. Just the ones that look like they’ll hit somewhere close. So, if you happen to hear some rather ugly news reports about successful enemy missile strikes. Always remember, we let them do that.   

It’s screwy; why would you say that publicly? Why would you tell the enemy that? Besides, Mr. Trump has already assured us that we’ve got plenty of missiles. Disinformation perhaps? Pre-explaining failures? “Oh, no, that wasn’t an Iranian success. We let them do it. It’s part of our plan to trick the enemy into using up all of their ammunition by bombing the shit out of us. Every enemy explosion means our plan is working!”

Reports say Mr. Trump himself exploded in an expletive-filled rant over the Iran war. Calling the Iranian leaders “scumbags.” Woah! Hold up there, big fella! There are children present! Why is this news? He’s not Mr. Rogers. He says worse things about New York Times reporters nearly every day. Maybe you’ve noticed, he’s not very pleasant to be around. But I don’t fault Mr. Trump for his expletive-filled rant. Lord knows, if I’d ever fucked things up this bad, I’d say shit and motherfucker too! This is definitely a cussing affair.

Big mouths go where angels fear to tread. Mr. Trump threatens to escalate…yet again. A third or fourth escalation now. You’re really gonna get it this time! Not like last time! Five, no, ten times worse! The big military Sunday punch didn’t work the first time. Maybe it’ll work now after five months? Had enough? Give up yet? We’re going to huff and puff and blow all your power stations down! Give up? They’re begging me to make a deal. They can’t wait! They’re ringing my phone off my golden wall.

Publicly they’re begging, while behind the scenes they’re “scumbags.” The whole stupid narrative of Trump isn’t ready to let the Iranians surrender yet. Right, and I’d go three rounds with Mike Tyson, but I’m afraid I might hurt him. I haven’t heard the Iranians mention surrender, just the usual threats. The White House warns of Iranian death threats against Mr. Trump. Stop laughing! Look at who is guarding him!

The Allies had developed a plan to assassinate the German Fuhrer. But then, cooler heads explained, killing Hitler was the last thing you wanted to do. Der Fuhrer made mistakes, lots and lots of mistakes. Der Fuhrer was emotional and lets his emotions get in the way of good judgement. Der Fuhrer was a know-it-all and thought himself an expert on all subjects. Plus, he was crazy. A twisted up bundle of nightmares. Why would you want to replace that? Besides, they might replace him with someone really competent.

So, this idea that the Iranians would want to injure or harm a thinning hair on Mr. Trump’s concrete head is ludacris. Besides bringing down the wrath of God on their country, Mr. Trump is nearly an asset for the Iranian side. He’s all hat and no cattle. “It’s that famous Trump administration “poor me,  poor, poor, me, everybody is always picking on us. Calling us names, like felon and thief.” The Iranians are going to try to kill President Trump! No, they won’t. Trying to sell us the narrative that we’re the ones under attack! That this is different from the war Trump stumbled into! Rally round the flag boys!

The Yemeni Houthis began lighting up oil tankers in solidarity with Iran. Saudi Arabia fired missiles at the Houthis, and the Houthis fired missiles back at the Saudis. I fear Mr. Trump might forget to mention this or accuse the Democrats of making up a new word. A new word Mr. Trump has never heard before: “Escalation!” New combatants entering the contest. New areas of strategic contention. New areas of concern. Scorecards! Get your scorecards! You can’t tell the players without a scorecard!

On this side, Mr. Trump, Israel and Saudi Arabia versus Iran, Yemen and most of the sympathies of the Arab world, disgusted by American/Trump Imperialism and militarism.

I wonder if you’ve noticed, like I have, that whenever they mention Mr. Trump’s polling numbers. They don’t like to use whole numbers anymore. “Mr. Trump is underwater by six points!” What the fuck does that mean? Blue arrows mean up, and red arrows mean down! They try to explain it away with qualifications. “33% of Republicans living in these particular zip codes with these religious affiliations agree with the President. The drop-dead number is 30%. That’s why the media is so strenuous in reporting that 33% number. “No! It’s not 29! It can’t be! It’s not allowed. It’s 33%!

When seven in ten Americans are disgusted with the war and Mr. Trump and the Republican party as a whole. (assholes) There’s only one thing left to do. Stop talking about it! Use carefully worded euphemisms. Don’t say Mr. Trump’s approval ratings are down below 30%. Instead, say Mr. Trump is underwater by 17% with people under age thirty, who own dogs and drive blue cars.  It seems 30% is Deadpool. Because they are so determined to explain it all away above that number.

Now ask yourself, is it really a lie or is it national security? There are some things they just dare not tell you about. If hypothetically, Mr. Trump’s actual popularity was hovering around 9%. Could they dare tell you? Sure, sure, it might still be at 60% in Alabama and Floriduh, but zero in New York, Illinois and California. That’s national security. You just can’t tell the people Mr. Trump is less popular than Ellen DeGeneres.

Somewhere in a secret government laboratory. “It’s too late! We can’t save him!” Yes, we can! We can make him better, faster, and stronger! We can put in new parts! He’ll be able to jump from trees in slow motion. With these bionic improvements, that Senate seat will be ours forever! Mitch McConnell is “The Six Million Dollar Senator.”

“I’ve done it! It’s alive! It’s alive! Now, Igor, when I sent you to steal a brain from the medical school last night. You did take the brain marked “normal” on the jar, didn’t you? You didn’t take the brain marked abnormal “Republican” brain, did you?

“Attention citizens of Kentucky [click, click] I am Mitch McConnell 2.0, [gear noise] your beloved Senator http://drag and favorite son. I am feeling much better now. [click, click] Thank you for asking. [click] I am ready to resume my duties [click] as your Senator, [click] as your Senator. [click] As your Senator!”

Sure, it’s off the wall, but it’s not out of the realm of possibility.

“All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that’s an alibi for my ignorance.”
― Will Rogers