This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

Say, pardon me, but could you spot the administration an additional $95 billion for a voluntary war with no plan or endgame in sight? House Republicans will propose just such spending despite a new war powers resolution. The administration must be drugging their coffee. “We must give them the money! It’s politically suicidal in an unpopular war scenario. But we must give if he asks! We have no free will of our own. Vertebrate? What’s that?  If he pulls our string, we must dance!” 100 days till the midterms, with four and maybe five dollar a gallon fuel prices on the horizon, what could possibly go wrong?

Notice the difference? Four dollar a gallon gas under Joe Biden was treated as the dawn of the apocalypse and an immediate existential crisis. Now, under Mr. Trump, the dawn of the apocalypse is treated as barely a speed bump. Stickers stuck on gas pumps “Look what I did!” Hey, look everyone! Mr. Trump has emptied out the strategic oil reserve. We head into a headless, heedless military campaign, with no strategic oil reserve to speak of. Mr. Trump used it to cushion the oil shock and to protect his polling numbers. It’s the story of the fat boy who ate all the survival rations on the first day, because he was hungry.

Act in haste, repent in gas lines.

Maybe a more prudent use of the oil reserve would be to save it in case of a real emergency. Not waste it trying to save themselves and their falling polling numbers from the wrath of the public on a self-inflicted bonehead play. Use it strategically or use it politically? But what if we need it later? “Oh, we won’t! The war is nearly over! Pete was just telling me, we sunk their navy again. It’s just a few deadenders outside of Baghdad. One more round of bombing is sure to bring the North Vietnamese to the peace table.  

Now, I read a story yesterday and you might think is outlandish and inflammatory. But prepare yourself and remember, I’m just the messenger here. But there are some who are starting to suspect there might be some financial irregularities going on in the administration’s handling of Venezuela’s oil revenue. I know! It’s hard to believe, isn’t it? That someone would accuse the Trump administration of the old Las Vegas skim. The money goes in here and then it goes there. Then it goes to a bank in Qatar, and then in the end, all the totals match up just the same.

There is a legitimate reason for this illegitimate fraud. The Republicans, in their zeal to defeat Socialism enacted provisions in the law whereby creditors could feed on Venezuela like Jaws II. “We’re going to need a bigger boat!” So once Mr. Trump had kicked over Maduro. The ravenous creditors began lining up. The administration came up with a legal wrinkle. Until the wrinkle is fully settled by the court, the money stays with the administration. First, it goes into a holding account in the US. Then the money is wired to Qatar. Then, the Trump admiration acting as a kindly steward and big brother for Venezuela, then issues Venezuela funds as the administration feels are necessary.

Thirteen billion dollars taken in by Mr. Trump. Three hundred million disbursed to Venezuela. They’d only squander it on earthquake relief, anyway. Of every dollar taken in by the administration, less than a penny per dollar has reached the needy people of Venezuela. Now, does that sound like something Mr. Trump would do? Trust us! All the money will go to the people of Venezuela, eventually. Sometime way off later, when you and I aren’t nosing around so much. Of course, they will have to deduct their standard nominal fees for the administration and such.  

Someday, Venezuela; you’re going to be rich! But first, Mr. Trump must help you rebuild your country. What do you think about the color gold? Venezuela as the trust-fund baby with Uncle Donny administering the trust for you. Think: Jackie Coogan.

Do you remember that scene in “Good fellas” where young Henry Hill got busted by the cops for the first time? And all the gangsters were slapping him on the back and congratulating him? Congratulations to young Barron Trump on his first $150 million dollar crypto scam. He’s a chip off the old block, he is! He’s way smarter than he looks. Here’s your chance to get rich by buying your own Barron Trump crypto coins (aka Magic Beans) trading today at 0.00000000012 cents. But ready to make a move on the market any day now.

I think what bothers me most about Donald Trump is the way he refers to himself in the third person. It creeps me out and raises the hair on the back of my neck. When he talks about himself like it’s somebody else in the other room. “They didn’t know they were messing with Trump. They messed with Trump and lost!” I guess what bothers me most is that’s a trait best associated with accompanying mental illness.

Service Bulletin: (Staying current on Trump imitations.)In order to best keep up with current imitations of Mr. Trump’s patter. Imitators will now be required to add “schh,” before every word and “slous” as a suffix on every word. This is to keep up with Mr. Trump’s slurring speech impediment and declining cranial activity. Word to the wise: don’t sit in the front row.

Congratulations Todd Blanche, on his becoming the first Trump Attorney General candidate in history referred for disbarment before actually being confirmed. Most are only disbarred after their confirmation.

I don’t know sometimes if this is like a dream or deja vue or we really have been here before. Epstein sex scandal. Stupid war. Reflecting pool. E. Jean Carroll. Diminished capacity. Pam Bondi and the estrogen wars. Peckerhead Pete. Zombie Mitch. Slush fund. Empty weapons warehouse, “Malaria!” The movie, not the nightmare. Empty oil reserve and broke as a blind house painter. And facing the prospect of a prolonged war in the cause of gross imperial stupidity.

Ever wonder why Rome fell?

“Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win” ― Sun Tzu