This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

In America, it is illegal to stuff your dead grandmother into a chest freezer in the basement. (Laws vary from place to place, and may be different in your area.) If you cash even one Social Security check, it’s conspiracy, wire fraud, abuse of a corpse and potentially anything else they can think up or use to hang you from the highest yardarm. If someone is missing or has strangely, suddenly disappeared, you file a police report. If you’re the governor of a sovereign state or Commonwealth, you file it with the captain of the state police.

Find me Mitch McConnell! We have reason to believe “foul play” may be involved. It could even be that the senator was taken against his will and is being held incommunicado. Round us up some suspects and begin some interrogations, starting with Mrs. McConnell. “Do you know where your husband is right now? Can you take us there? Why not? We’d really like to believe your story and it won’t take more than five minutes of his time. After all, you yourself said the senator was getting so much better.”

You know? Being carried out of your house unconscious on a gurney is a lot like the beginning of one of those Jason Statom spy thriller films. “Dateline Washington….Top Secret!….Leading US Senator abducted by terrorists!” Just know that wherever you are. I’ll find you! And when I do! I’ll reach up your ass and pull you inside out! Oh, and thanks for calling.

Maybe Mr. McConnell’s staff could be enlightening as to Mitch’s whereabouts? “Now, as Mr. McConnell’s chief of staff and most likely suspect. Isn’t it true you were all going to be unemployed in January? It would be a real bummer, if that unemployment snuck up on you happened all of a sudden, wouldn’t it? Now, answer carefully and consider all the possible pending federal charges against you. What happened to the Senator? When? We’re going to have hold you as material witness, you know, with no bail until the senator shows up, because you’re a flight risk.

Now, surprisingly, if your grandmother hadn’t been heard from in say six weeks, or so, and was reported missing. The cops would probably show up at your house with a search warrant and a backhoe. But a leading Senator of the United States can just drop out of sight and nobody in authority says a mumbling word about it? “Oh, he’s fine! He’s feeling much better! I just spoke to him the other day.”

I guess what I’m trying to say here is this is a crime of the highest possible magnitude. There needs to be arrests and prosecutions. The senator signed a bill the other day. That’s criminal fraud! It can be demonstrated with camera evidence that Senator Mitch was nowhere near the Capitol building to sign the legislation. Which is worse? Cashing your dead grandmother’s Social Security checks or forging a dead Senator’s name to legislation? You be the judge.  

If Mitch is in a rehabilitation hospital, issue a warrant for questioning. Issue one for the head of the hospital and issue another one for Mitch’s attending physician. Have them show cause for Mitch’s sudden disappearance and failure to reappear on command. CC, the licensing board. It’s in the senator’s best interest we investigate thoroughly. What is going on in his office during his absence? Who is watching the money, and who is minding the store? Are underlings signing legislation?

Either way, if Mitch walks out of the hospital bouncing a basketball ready to play one on one or if he’s carried out tits up. There are some very serious irregularities here which need to be investigated. Maybe not so much to help Mitch, but to set a precedent. Disappearing politicians will Not be tolerated across the American political landscape! Today it’s Mitch, tomorrow maybe someone else disappears before the big vote. This is a big deal; we don’t know who is in charge of a United States Senator’s office. It’s being run secretly in the dark. With only strange assurances given to us that all is well. No need to investigate. All is well. An unsigned letter from his doctors stating Mitch is doing much better, signed, some doctors! Please excuse Dave from school yesterday. Signed, my mom!

For all we know, Senator McConnell could have been kidnapped by terrorists. And is hanging in a stress position in a mountainous cave in Pakistan right now. It’s a rather strange feeling because Mitch’s passing is sad and yet, we can still joke about it because they’re lying to us. If they came out with a tear-stained hanky and said, “Oh, it’s getting much darker for our dear friend Mitch.” You couldn’t tell such jokes. But, since they’re lying to us anyway, Mitch is fair game! As long as the other side abuses his corpse, so will I!

But it is deathly important to remember that political disappearance is a tool of totalitarian governments. In the old Soviet Union, dissidents, loudmouths and troublemakers would sometimes quietly disappear. One day you’re walking to library and the next, you’re not. Only to be found years or decades later, riding the Thorazine highway in a psychiatric hospital in Siberia.

Remember who we are dealing with here! These aren’t Richard Nixon’s nervous boy scouts! These aren’t your father’s crooks and charlatans! Remember that they were each hired for the special talents which Donald Trump saw in them. There are no limits here anymore. Accept no accidents! Believe no falls! They have power now. Did you think they would relinquish it so easily?

A funny story, a poll taken in Europe the other day found Donald Trump’s popularity was in the single and low double digits, especially in Eastern Europe. Here’s the funny part: they tell us in this country Mr. Trump is at least two to three times as popular as that domestically. Now follow this logic if you will. Those actually suffering under the policies and practices of Donald Trump have double to triple the positive opinion of those only watching Donald Trump from a distance. Does that make any sense to you? (Stockholm syndrome?)

The test subjects being beaten have double to triple the positive opinion of their attackers to those in the control group only watching the beatings. I’ve been saying it for months now, Donald Trump’s popularity is in the high-single digits. But they can’t ever tell you Donald Trump’s popularity was at 9%. There would be pandemonium in the streets and the stock market would probably crash. They can’t tell you something like that…all at once. Maybe, post some polls from Europe and start getting the people used to the idea.

“What a terrible era in which idiots govern the blind.”
― William Shakespeare,