This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

It is always interesting to me how the big, big Trump headlines get buried by the small, but consequential actions of this administration. You know; this is the know-it-all bunch. To my reckoning, this administration has never asked for help or advice from anyone, ever. They know everything with a calm certainty. They know what you should eat for breakfast. They know what you should watch on TV. They know how you should pee!

It’s all a part of their schtick! The whole seig heil, we’re never wrong, we know everything routine. It couldn’t be Trump’s golf buddy screwed him on the deflecting pool job? No, it was vandals with box cutters! “Our fault? Never!” Watch how many pushups low-T Pete can do! Show em your syphering, Pete! Do your goes intos for them! The forty-year-old former squad leader, berating the sixty year old generals and admirals for being out of shape. That’s called a team-building exercise! Putting all of his ignorance on full display right off for all to rally against together. They may not agree on much, but the generals and admirals all agree about Low-T Pete Hegseth.

Remember! Low-T Pete purged the Pentagon of anyone who advised against a war with Iran. So it really shouldn’t be astounding, but still it is! The other day the military published a statement that if anyone has any off the wall, well-meaning suggestions for winning the war in Iran. They were open and receptive to any and all suggestions from any quarter. “Yes, you in the back!” No matter how crazy it sounds! Call us now! Operators are standing by! I can see it now! All these “yes” men brass seeking monkeys. Looking down at the ground in the map room and kicking at the carpet. “Well gee Pete, I mean, Mr. Secretary of War, sir. How did we know they wouldn’t quit? You said they would too, you know!”

Something tells me when the President defect hears about this suggestion idea it’s going to be Jeanine Pirro all over again. Oh, yeah, she’s fired. Effective in ninety days. That’s how the Trump man operates. Pam Bondi said, “Epstein list” and “on her desk” and she was fired immediately, effective in sixty days. You stand before the Resolute desk, and the President defect reassures you, “Fired? Oh, my heavens, no, of course not. No harm done, Let’s just put this whole ugly mess all behind us. Now you go back to your desk and make America proud of you!” As you turn to leave, you see the president defect make a slashing movement across his throat .

The fact that they would ask the ranks for suggestions is extreme and desperate, to say the least. It shows pandemonium, confusion, and desperation. Either somebody published that notice to intentionally scuttle their career or it was published anonymously as a Hail Mary play? “Say Friend! Do you happen to have a super laser or other destructive device at home in your garage you’ve been tinkering with in your spare time, nights and weekends?” Call us! No idea is too outlandish! Call now!

“Okay, we should put some dog shit in a paper bag. Then, tee hee, we put it on the Ayatollah’s front porch. Then, then, tee hee, tee hee, we set it on fire, ring the doorbell and run!”  

“Magazine subscriptions! We’ll sign them up for millions of magazine subscriptions! The bill collectors will drive them all crazy! We’ll send their phone number to a hundred thousand insurance agents and say they’re in the market to buy some life insurance!”

In my mind’s eye, I see this administration like the tidy-bowl man on the 101 flush. Standing and steering with one a loose oar. Surfing for all they’re worth as the tide begins to swirl and swell! It’s gotten so bad! How bad is it? The dead zombie senator is the least of their problems! Senators dropping dead and almost dropping dead with exploding sex and violence scandals. A contentious Attorney General appointment and a dissolving Party majority. Save my life, I’m going down for the third time! [We Now Take Suggestions!] Contact: Low T Pete@repent at leisure.gov

What must the sentient in the Pentagon be thinking right about now? Gosh, all those people they fired for opposing the war may have been on to something, right? Gosh, who knew? They seemed sincere enough; maybe we should have listened to them? There! There’s your suggestion for you, Petey! Don’t climb out on a limb and saw it off the tree.

Announcing a missile shortage to general public as the president defect, threatens another wave of devastating missile strikes. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the new openness and candor, but not all news about weapons shortages deserves publication. Unless it’s a feint. But how will that news trick the enemy into negotiations? I guess I just don’t get that one. Unless, of course, someone inadvertently spilled the beans? Pete? Pete? Pete! Don’t look away from me when I’m talking to you. Do you know anything about this?

The three major forms of communication inside the Pentagon, telephone, telegraph and tell Pete. Loose lips sink War Secretaries. “Aw, he can’t fire me! He only fires women.”

“Okay! We could try this. We use our satellite and jamming technology to jam all communication in Iran with European techno music and Justin Bieber. Every radio station in the country! Techno 24 hrs. a day! And Bieber too! They’ll all go mad within a week, and they’ll beg us for a deal! If that doesn’t work…Then we threaten them with Madonna!”

How about we honestly attempt to make a deal? How about we accept that our position here is very weak, not to mention very expensive. How about we promise to remove the sanctions and give them back their frozen money. On the understanding we will back off and cede control of the strait to Iran. Based largely on our inability to do anything else. Provided the Iranians will meet us half-way. Negotiate away the Iranian tolls and fees. Accept that the United States has made the largest foreign policy blunder in its history. Attempt to back out gracefully, but attempt to back out in any case. Step one: Negotiate in good faith! You’ve tried everything else. Try it! It’s just crazy enough that it might work.

The damage done to American prestige is incalculable. But Trump’s buddy, Mr. Putin said something the other day very important for us all to learn. Ole Vladimir said, “War has changed” The battle doctrines of the Soviet Union and the United States are as obsolete as cavalry charges in the era of drones. Everyone on every side of every conflict is running out of interceptor missiles. Mr. Trump suggests we need twenty-five new battleships? Any suggestions?

Is it just me? Or does “Low T Pete” sound like a rappers name?

“Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.” ― Winston S. Churchill