This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

It turns out Mr. Trump’s spare Air Force One came in real handy. Security threats forced Mr. Trump to hide out inside a coffee truck and pull the old switcheroo. Just the visual of that is too much for me. Mr. Trump hiding out between the coffee racks and racks of Coca cola cans wetting his Depends. I’m certain, he was calm and sedate throughout the ordeal. “Save me! Save me! I don’t want to die!”

But security is security in the real world, besides, the Iranians wouldn’t dare. First off, killing Mr. Trump or his wife employee is the last thing they would want to do; it wouldn’t change anything. Second, It would assure the total destruction of Iran. Death threats made towards Malaria Trump. Stop it! And think about that for a second. In the entire history of the Western world, that would be the cheapest, low-down cheap shot ever. “We did it! We killed Trump’s wife!” What would that change? It’s security nonsense, but they have to cover every possibility. Does Air Force One regularly take on coffee, soft-drinks and sandwiches in Turkey? Turkey sandwiches? Sorry, I couldn’t resist, or chicken sandwiches? Really? Is that really safe, or was that just a ploy to fool the Iranians?

Here’s the fun part. After Mr. Trump was safely removed, the pilot of the doomed Air Force One shouted, “All aboard!” into the intercom. “Guests, press, and staff, please make your way towards your assigned seats.” In order for our ruse to successfully fool the Iranians. I’m afraid it’ll be necessary for you all to die!. Our in-flight movie will be ‘Finding Nemo.’ We’ll be flying at forty thousand feet, we hope. And our estimated flight time is hopefully around twelve hours, hopefully.

Are you surprised? That we might have to sacrifice a plane, the crew, the staff, the press and guests? But how did they control the panic on the plane? Simple, they just didn’t tell them they were all in mortal danger. You wanted to fly with the President, didn’t you? So, don’t start your bitching now! Free drinks and a first-class seat! Maybe we’ll all be killed, maybe not. Make mine a double!

Iran is winning the war at this point: they don’t need to assassinate Mr. Trump. That’s the last thing they’d want to do. The public persona of Mr. Trump and Ms. Trump would discourage any assassination attempts on the first porn actress or her quivering, cowardly bowl of Jell-O husband. The Iranians would assume he’d just hire another wife and plant this one on the golf course with the other one.  

This entire event encapsulates the pandemonium, the goofiness, and the courage of Donald Trump. Trump trembling and hiding out in the back of a coffee truck. “Don’t let them get me!” The mirror image of macho Donald, threatening decapitation strikes. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the bravest of them all? “What’s wrong with this thing? Is it broken?” Say whatever you like about Joe Biden. But he never hid out in the back of a coffee truck! How would you like to find out as you disembarked in Washington D.C. that fat Elvis had left the plane in Ankara, wearing his new stick-on muskrat hat because of death threats. “You’ll probably be fine. Probably. See you there, maybe.”

The mixed martial arts fight staged on the White House lawn was so successful, promoters say they lost thirty million dollars on the deal, and litigation is pending. That’s the good news. The fate of Mr. Trump’s balless-ballroom is headed for the corruption of the extreme court. The law is pretty clear, though. The President is a tenant in the White House with a leasehold not a freehold. The building is not his to do whatever he likes with. But with this corrupt court, up could now be down and green could now be red.

Any questions left to clear up about how Mr. Trump could go broke operating a casino? A half-done heliport. Part of the White House torn down. A giant, big ass muddy hole in the ground surrounded by heavy equipment! It’s so awful! How awful is it? It’s so awful network television goes out of their way to avoid showing it to you. People might get angry if they saw all that disastrous huge mess, you know?

Humpty Dumpty sat on a plane. Afraid they were going to kill him, going insane. He hid in the truck with the coffee and cream, shivering in the dark, wishing it was a dream. Don’t let them get me! He cried and screamed! As his Depends grew heavier from his yellow stream. Don’t let the press find out, or they’ll turn this into a meme! The people mustn’t know the truth. Tell them I was brave! Tell them I outsmarted  everyone. They’ll believe. Nothing quite says Trump presidency like hiding out in the back of a coffee truck, now does it? If I told you there was one American President hiding in the back of a coffee truck. Which President do you think it would be?

Maybe we can purchase a fleet of coffee trucks and keep Mr. Trump safe all the time? The Iranians will never find him that way! Now, how did this happen in the first place? Oh yes, Mr. Trump accepted a crooked gift from the Qataris. Has this ever happened before? No. Why not? Funny story; did you know that Air Force One is the official designation for any aircraft the president is on? Even if it’s a Piper Cub, it’s still Air Force One.

So, Mr. Trump hides out and does the old switcheroo. Now guess which airplane Mr. Trump is on? The one the air traffic controllers refer to as Air Force One. Good thing the Iranians didn’t hear that.

In 1944, Franklin Roosevelt flew to Casablanca for a conference of the Big Three. This was during the dark days of World War II. In wartime! Real fucking wartime! Roosevelt flew over twenty hours because of the German U-boats. Roosevelt flew right into an Axis capitol, less than a week after its capture. Roosevelt wanted to review the American troops.  But the Secret Service said, “Absolutely not! It’s far too dangerous.” But FDR insisted. He wasn’t going to fly all the way to Casablanca and not review the victorious American troops. Even if, there could be enemy snipers. Real enemy snipers. In a real warzone.

“Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.”
― William Shakespeare,