This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

I can honestly say that I saw this one coming. Not that I’m claiming to be an expert or psychic or anything, but with Mr. Trump it’s all about closeness. Kara Lying Leavitt was Mr. Trump’s fair-haired girl. She was young, blonde, abrasive, and combative. Everything Mr. Trump liked. Then came her maternity leave, out of sight, out of mind. With Mr. Trump, that is a literal interpretation. And when she returned to work, everything had changed. “Who is that new woman I see puttering around the office?”

She’s no longer his favorite, she’s a stranger to him now. She chose family over Donald Trump. “You’re so done here.” Look at the whole picture. Mr. Trump’s cabinet is filled with drunks, nut balls, sycophants and wife beaters, but who gets fired? I’m sorry, not fired. Chooses to spend more time with their family. Kara Lying Leavitt, Kristi Noem, Pam Bondi, Tulsi Gabbard, and Lori Chavez-Deremer. And coming soon! Gin-nine Pirro.

Still on deck, Krash Patel. Caught using the FBI plane for date night. For being so drunk,  the fire department almost had to break down the door to make sure he wasn’t dead. Krash carries around his own autographed bottled whiskey. Nothing says top-drawer law enforcement quite like a part-time whiskey salesman and FBI director. Who doesn’t always show up for work sometimes. He’s a model employee!

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spouts his crazy nonsense, until little Bobby becomes a parody of himself. Rearranging the food pyramid. Bobby is an expert on pharmaceuticals, because of his years of drug abuse as a junkie using heroin. He’s not fired! He’s in the offal office, educating Mr. Trump about nutrition. Fired? Not a chance! He’s one of their top men in his field. Not his professional field but his address. It seems he once lived in a field in van down by the river. Robert Kennedy Jr. once stopped his car on the highway to cut the penis off of a dead roadkill raccoon. Oh sure! That’s completely normal! Hire him!

From the files of “You Knew This Was Coming, All Along.” A Texas news report innocently states, brace yourself now; this is some really shocking news! The Texas Restaurant Association is suddenly reporting a labor shortage. Can you believe it? New hires are way down, and even job applications have slowed. The number of restaurants closing in Texas is on the rise, and new restaurant openings have declined. Gee, now how could that have ever happened? The same is also true for Texas agriculture. Maybe you’re psychic too! Quick! How many fingers am I holding up? Damn, you’re good!

Prickly, petty Petey Hegseth is the walking proof of Donald Trump’s insanity. The chief proponent and architect of the Iran war. Plans? Strategies? “Do it again until the warehouse is empty!” Sailors on the super carriers stationed out in the Gulf are having their food rationed. Because…of their over-deployments. “Amateur’s talk about strategy, experts talk about logistics.” New York to Tehran 6,138 miles. Imagine your deployment was scheduled for six months. You make your plans around that date. “Honey, I’ll be home in June, or July, or August, September maybe. Maybe I’ll be home for Christmas.” Record deployments! Fire him? Why? Just for recommending one, disastrous, unending war? Just for turning the Pentagon on its head and bankrupting the treasury?

And then, there is tottering Todd Blanche. Fired? He never should have been hired in the first place! And the award for Trump sycophant “most likely” to go to prison goes to tottering Todd! Tottering Todd served as Mr. Trump’s private attorney. In his new role as Attorney General Mr. Blanche is expected to fulfill the exact same role, as Mr. Trump’s private attorney.

Even Mr. Trump’s wife, employee Malaria, has disappeared. She’s now a vertical career woman and a movie star. Mrs. Trump has worked in pictures before, but only horizontally and never fully clothed. Apparently, she got a few coins in her pocket from Jeff Bezos’s bribe/feature film and headed off into sunset into the land of forgotten Trump women. Gone faster than the roadrunner on crack. This is another departure you could have anticipated, but I don’t claim this one. Imagine: It would be like a Navy deployment that never, ever ends.

Here is a trivia question I’ve been working on. Name the former Trump employees whose futures have blossomed and improved after working for Mr. Trump? Sorry, but swindles and insider stock-trading doesn’t count, because they all do that. It’s a question without an answer, isn’t it? There’s loose talk about Gin-nine Pirro being disbarred for lying to a grand jury and, of course, a plethora of other irregularities. No! No! No! First things first! She hasn’t even been fired yet, I think? Wait, I’ll check. Yep she’s still employed, but you know the routine. They always fire them on the Friday news dump.

Why do they do it? Why do they work for Mr. Trump? It’s like going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Sure, it’s fun going over the falls! But the rocks at the bottom inevitably await them. Hoping to get in and fill their pockets before escaping into the crooked and craggy bowels of corporate America.

But we’ve now reached the final two-minute warning. All ashore who’s going ashore! This is their last chance to get off the stinking ship before the midterms. Before the SS Trump becomes the ghost ship, the SS Mary Celeste Trump. I’ll show what I mean. Last week, pollster Nate Silver said the Democrats had a 54% chance of taking control of the Senate. Control of the House is already a foregone conclusion. This week that number had expanded to 58%. Any prognostications for next week?

You and I know what will happen if the Democrats take control of Congress. Investigations! Investigations! Investigations! Subpoenas and all day long congressional hearings under oath. Expensive attorneys billing by the minute. Run, Puddin head run! It’s going to be a very ugly, bare-knuckle fist fight culminating joyously in Mr. Trump’s final impeachment.

This impeachment will differ greatly from Mr. Trump’s previous two impeachments. This will be impeachment in the land of five dollar a gallon gasoline and endless war. The Main Street economy is in tatters while the stock market soars. This will be the first impeachment involving Jeffrey Epstein. This will be the Impeachment of the invisible Republicans. Republicans not so anxious to stick their necks out defending lame-duck Donald Trump. Do you know why Jared and Ivanka wanted to buy an island off the coast of Albania? Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Unreachable, non-extraditable, non-deportable sanctuary!

Political savant James Carville has predicted that Donald Trump will be gone from office by April 15^th, 2027. (Make your plans now!) Not knowing what Mr. Carville bases his prediction on leaves me stymied. But you know what? I don’t doubt it! To paraphrase Mr. Carville’s most famous saying. “It’s Trump stupid!”

“A mob is coming here in six months to hang the other ninety-five of you damn scoundrels, and I’m undecided whether to stick here with you, or go out and lead them.” – Senator Huey Long