This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

My ex-wife would tell you this never happens, but she’s wrong. When I miss one by the distance to the sun. I’ll be the first to admit it. I was wrong, wrong, wrong! I blew it! I was so wrong that we went all the way around the dial until I was almost damn near right again. I incorrectly assumed, (yes assumed, an ass out of you and me.) That the now former press secretary, Cara Lying Leavitt, was ousted basically for not having a penis. And the “wanting to spend more time with her family” story was just a simple ruse to cover-up Mr. Trump’s deep-seated hatred of women. Boy, was I ever wrong! I’m going to have to take down my shingle.

It appears to be a case of the opposite, a case of absence making the heart grow fonder. Ms. Leavitt went on six weeks’ maternity leave, but didn’t manage to get far. Reports say, Mr. Trump called Ms. Leavitt at least 81 times in forty-two days. “Hi! What are you doing?” I’m nursing the baby! “What are you wearing? Hey, guess what we did today? We attacked Iran!” Yes, I know. “When are you coming back to work?” In six weeks!

“Hey, I know it’s after two in the morning. But I was texting some nonsense and thinking of you. What are you doing? We had spaghetti and meatballs for dinner tonight! We sure do miss you down here. When are you coming back to work?” I was so wrong! Apparently Ms. Leavitt wasn’t fired like most Trump employees for wrongdoing. She was creeped out of her job. This creep wouldn’t leave her alone, until she was compelled to turn in her keys, call it a day and change her phone number.

Speaking of missing women, Malaria Trump is still missing! And then suddenly, I was reminded of an episode of Columbo I once saw. This big, important businessman with bad skin, cankles and a new stick-on muskrat hat. Was being accused of murdering his wife, but Columbo had figured it out. This big, important businessman was also building a new skyscraper. Not a ballroom or anything, but a skyscraper. Construction site? Body? Any similarity to persons living or dead is greatly appreciated.

God bless Mike Lindell! He’s denying he lost an election again. If Mr. Trump had ever employed kamikaze pilots, Mike Lindell would have been the squadron commander. His three-hundred million dollar fortune gone! His successful business gone! It is all gone! And all he had left was Mr. Trump’s endorsement. And a fat lot of good that did him. Mr. Trump’s endorsement and a dollar will buy you a senior coffee at McDonald’s.

Mr. Lindell is claiming voting irregularities in a Primary election he lost by 11 percentage points. (A real nail-biter) Mr. Lindell is accusing his own Republican party of impropriety by cheating their own Trump-backed candidate. Sure, that makes lots of sense! A deep-state, sinister plot by fellow Republicans to cheat and defeat him. But thankfully for us, by Mr. Lindell’s willingness to show his whole butt publicly. Will make any attempt by Mr. Trump to follow suit in the midterms fall flat, hilariously flat. Comic relief to the rescue! No really, somebody go check that construction site! If Mike Lindell were ever cast in Star Wars, he’d be Jar-Jar Binks.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. “Hi! What are you doing right now?” CLICK! There is an old Southern expression used to describe cluelessness. “He doesn’t know whether to shit or ride a bicycle.” It’s public knowledge peterless Pete Hegseth has squandered the arsenal. So what does Mr. Trump do? He threatens more and more ruthless attacks as the Iranians yawn. “The Strait of Hormuz is going to be American territory!” You believe that, don’t you? Would Mr. Trump say it if it wasn’t true?

You can see the problem, can’t you? Somebody is feeling trapped and in a projecting mode again. “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and BLOW your house down! I’ll punch them in the nose and I’ll kick em in the nuts! I pity the fool! They’ll be sorry they ever fucked around with me!

266 days isn’t long enough for a deployment! The absolute arrogance of a disintegrating intellect. That was the dumbest thing Mr. Trump had said in months. Oh, and you can bet those Navy families will flock to vote Republican in the midterms! For a bonafide draft dodger to say “You need some more of this! Go home? You just got here nine months ago!”

“Hi, what are you doing?” Click!

I’m guessing again, but I’d say the walls are starting to close in on Mr. Trump. His behavior is becoming more reckless, erratic and panicked, until he’s tied himself up in knots. Don Knott’s to be specific, in the nervous man sketch. It’s the skit that made Don Knotts famous. He played a trembling man with a shaky voice, holding a cigarette, while insisting he wasn’t afraid. “Watch everybody! I’ll make the tide come in!”

After we finish with Iran, maybe we’ll take a week off and then it’s off to Cuba! Then Greenland, Canada, Switzerland, and then Freedonia! The more loser he gets, the more bellicose he becomes. Has anyone out there ever read Edgar Allan Poe’s  “The Tell Tale Heart.” It’s the story of a murderer who buried his victim under the floorboards and begins going mad hearing their heart still beating. No reason, it just crossed my mind all of a sudden,  that’s all. Look for freshly turned earth! Check the closet for muddy shoes!

“Hey, what are you doing right now?” Click!

It’s called a fantasy relationship!

From Mairrage.com: “A fantasy relationship is an imaginary or unrealistic connection between two people. It may involve an idealized version of someone, an exaggerated belief in the potential for a romantic relationship, or a one-sided infatuation.

In a fantasy relationship, one person may project their desires onto another without considering their actual feelings or intentions. It can be an escape from reality, providing a temporary sense of fulfillment, but ultimately it is not a healthy or sustainable way to form a genuine connection with someone.”

“If you still think me mad, you will think so no longer when I describe the wise precautions I took for the concealment of the body.” ― Edgar Allan Poe, The Tell-Tale Heart

“I just have a couple more questions.”