This Carbon Based Life

By David Glenn Cox

According to Fox News; the President defect was only joking. Ha, ha, funny, funny joke! What? You thought he was serious? You must be from out of town. Just in on the five o’clock turnip truck, maybe? Or maybe you’re from the country or something, unaware or unfamiliar, with our big-city sophisticated ways and Mar-a-Lago humor. “A priest, a rabbi and an aircraft carrier walked into the Persian Gulf!”

Knock, knock. “Who’s there?” Ayatollah! “Ayatollah who?” Ayatollah, this was a bad idea!

You really, honest to God, thought he was serious when Mr. Trump said the Strait of Hormuz would be an American territory? Gosh, that was a real knee-slapper, and you didn’t get the joke? You are dry as dust, aren’t you? Well, I guess it was either that or “Your Mama’s so fat jokes.” Fox News got the joke! They saw the humor. Gosh, he was only joking. Settle down! What’s wrong with you people? When I was just a little boy at my sage mother’s knee, she used to tell me son, never make jokes about wars or funerals.

I know that we’ve all asked ourselves from time to time. Just how far will Fox News bend over backwards to kiss Mr. Trump’s…ring. You and I weren’t the only ones to miss out on the funny, funny humor. Nobody else in the room laughed at the time either. “Is this thing on?” No other media outlets reported the President’s boorish, thug-like remarks as humor. That’s right! He was only joking. Gee, he cracks me up like George Carlin.

Damage control! Report to Fox News, stat! The President now tells Fox News, he’s taking a low-profile approach to dealing with Iran. Translation: we’re all out of missiles and we don’t know what to do next. When the going gets tough, run away and hide! Economic sanctions! That’s the ticket! Why didn’t we think of that before? We’ll place financial sanctions on Iran! But other than hockey sticks, golf clubs or shot glasses, I don’t know what else we could place sanctions on? It’ll crush them! Sure, the sanctions didn’t work for the first 47 years, but let’s give them a chance!  Any day now, any day. Wait a second, isn’t that what we did BEFORE Mr. Trump started a war?

Remember; George Orwell was an optimist. How do you like propaganda served, Winston? Over easy or scrambled? Not spin or political opinion, but pure dishonest fiction. Big Brother is going to increase the chocolate ration! Eurasia has always been our ally! He was only joking, Winston! Only joking! Repeat after me: “He was only joking!”

Mr. Trump’s comments were so crude and beyond the Pale, that Fox News thought it necessary to interrupt their regularly scheduled bullshit to modify the propaganda drip. Some of the simple simian shit for brains types were starting to wake up and wondering what’s going on? Calm yourselves; he was only joking! Go on back to sleep!

From the files of the Joseph Goebbels Good Time Hour. See BS Nuses, reported Mr. Trump’s comment as a truism, and a foregone conclusion. Iran disputes the Strait of Hormuz as being an American territory. Apparently, they didn’t get the joke either. The fifty states and the Straits, that’s us!

Who knew Cara Lying Leavitt had so many friends out there? Suddenly, with the speed of a light switch, the internet is overloaded and overburdened with identical stores and glories of Cara Lying Leavitt! All of her greatest insults, prevarications, and condescensions aimed towards the press. Those were the daze, huh? It’s the flip side of the Gin-nine Pirro story. Mr. Trump rages at Pirro with an enthusiasm rarely seen. And 24 hours later, the story is gone like D.B. Cooper. No, follow-up stories or editorial thoughts. Shhh! Congressman Ted Lieu inverserated the FBI Duhrector, Krash Patel. Lieu tricked Patel into admitting how serious the Epstein files were. Then leaving Krash to try and explain why so little has been done to date. I hope you have C-SPAN otherwise, shhh!

Not only have Mitch McConnell and Malaria Trump disappeared from sight, but all news and mention of their names has also disappeared. They no longer exist in the public eye, Winston. They were only fictional characters, anyway. Where did they go? “Who?” Mitch and Malaria! “Who? I’ve never heard of them.” Other fictional made-up characters missing include Howard Lutnick (Epstein) Peterless Pete Hegseth (The war) Uproarious comedian of the month Scott Bessent (the economy).

Fox News recently reported on this month’s BLS jobs report. The one with ZERO job growth and twenty thousand job losses as, “Better than expected.” What did they expect? A nuclear accident? That this report was better than expected? “Well, the economy hasn’t collapsed yet. That’s better than we expected!” Even dangerous Donnie has disappeared. But have I got a funny story for you. It was a team-building exercise, that’s what it was! Stories persist that many Trump employees were mildly upset at being used as Trump bait on Air Force None at 40,000 feet.

Boy, oh boy, that was big news there for a minute or two, until people started connecting the word “chickenshit” to describe Mr. Trump’s daring escape. Leaving his staff, guests, and crew to their fates. What’s the matter? Can’t you guys take a joke? Oh, don’t be that way. Your spouses and children would understand… eventually. They died keeping Donald Trump safe! You have no sense of humor at all, do you?

Even the war has largely disappeared from the news dump. Only negative remarks about Iran are allowed. “The Iranians are claiming that they own the Strait of Hormuz! In other news, an eclipse! A man in Iowa grew a six hundred pound pumpkin! And Mittens the kitten won’t chew on the extension cord anymore. And also not in the news, and not really very important at all. Europe is suffering from the largest and most prolonged heat wave on record. The majority of the United Kingdom is brown from heat and drought. The El Nino coming is predicted to be the strongest on record. A rare hurricane, the first in almost two centuries, is headed for Hawaii. Forest fires burn in Canada (Our 51^st state).

I  sure am glad all of those climate change rumors finally blew over. Otherwise, I’d be worried! Get it? Crop failures, world hunger, bankruptcies and an existential threat to life on earth! You just have no sense of humor about these things at all, do you?

“Being in a minority, even in a minority of one, did not make you mad. There was truth and there was untruth, and if you clung to the truth even against the whole world, you were not mad.” ― George Orwell,